Parenting After The Divorce: How To Thrive! by E.R. Reid

Divorce. I have been there and done that, along with 19 million other adults in this country. Although it has lost some of its stigma over the years, divorce hasn't lost any of its heartache, especially for our children. As a divorced parent, nothing is more heart breaking than watching the impact of divorce on your children. They are usually the last to know and the most affected.

Many professionals disagree about the impact divorce has on children. Some say they are resilient enough to become successful adults in spite of divorce. Others say divorce will cause long-term damage that will carry over into adulthood. But almost everyone agrees that how well parents handle themselves and their children during the divorce transition can decrease the damage and increase the chances that the children will form their own successful relationships in the future.

AFTER D-DAY -WHAT'S A PARENT TO DO?

So, the question is, "after the divorce, what can we, as concerned parents, do to provide our children the best possible roadmap towards becoming highly productive citizens and adults?" As a professional corporate strategist, my success comes from knowing how to put myself in my client's position so I can see issues from their perspective. As a parent, my great awakening came when I realized I needed to do the same thing for my children. The lessons I learned and suggestions I offer are derived from seeing divorce from a child's point of view. 

BAG THE BITTERNESS SO YOU CAN THRIVE! 

One of the most important things you can do to help your children, and yourself is to bag the bitterness! Focus on taking away helpful lessons from your experience. Then, use this new knowledge to become better. Despite the reasons you divorced, your mental attitude is critical to not only surviving, but thriving as a family. If you have the right mindset, then you can feel confident that you and your children will be all right. Take it one day at a time. For every problem there is a solution. Don't try to tackle everything at once. 

You have to move quickly, though, towards healing and away from bitterness, anger and depression. It's like the instructions we get on the airplane for using the oxygen masks. If you are traveling with a minor, put yours on first, then help the child secure hers. As parents, we don't have the "luxury" of wallowing in negative emotions and behavior because the impact of such behavior hurts our children.

YOUR CHILD IS WATCHING AND LISTENING!

 My children are like little sponges, they absorb everything especially when it comes to what comes out of me! One of the biggest mistakes a divorced parent can do is to tear down the ex-spouse in front of the children. This is hard not to do, because it makes us feel better if we can play the "blame game" and point to someone else's faults. For your children's sake be careful and be quiet. Remember it is painful for them to hear anyone talk badly about Mom or Dad. 

WORK IT OUT OR WORK TOGETHER!

Our children learn culture, character and esteem from us. They take cues about what is acceptable from what we do not necessarily from what we say. The way you handle yourself and your relationship with your former spouse will be the way your children handle other complex issues and relationships. 

Remember your children may face difficult relationships, too. You can teach them by example how to handle, discuss and reach solutions with someone whom they do not agree. Work to find common ground. Sometimes you will have to bend more than you want to but it may bring resolution and be better for the children.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND PRAY

Avoid name-callers, doomsayers, and negative people because they will bring you down! Look for and develop friendships with others who are positive, want to move forward, and are encouraging. Your stability and outlook sets the tone for your child's life. Without overlooking the needs of your children, take care of yourself spiritually, mentally and physically. Then you will be in a better position to ensure your child will learn how to do the same.  

Notes on Fairytales: The Frosting, Not the Cake by Linda Miles, Ph.D.

Fairytales play an important part in child development by giving imaginary solutions to deep fears. For example, Jack and the Bean Stalk is about a little boy conquering a big person. Jack gains power over the "giants" (adults) who control his life. He deals with his smallness and anger through a magical fantasy in which he triumphs.

But solutions that work in early childhood often fall short when we mature. In fact, fairytale thinking, if not replaced by more realistic problem-solving, can remain with us as adults, giving us unrealistic expectations that leave us ill-equipped to deal with life's problems. 

There are too many examples like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, where the heroine lives "happily ever after" only after being saved by a man. What a setup, considering the duration and difficulty of marriage in our times.

Fairytales are like the frosting on a cake - sugary solutions that cover the unconscious impulses children try to control but have not yet dealt with. The cake underneath is the true basis for realistic problem-solving. By helping children learn to develop realistic solutions to replace the myths and fantasies, parents help children "mix" the cake, which is then "baked" in the heat of real-life problems and experiences. 

Mixing the cake 

By the time children are 4 or 5, parents need to help them move from the emotional, magical problem-solving of fairytale thinking toward thinking about what they feel in actual situations. 
For example, a parent might ask, "How do you think you should handle the problem?" and help the child develop a solution. As a write this, I hear a neighbor calmly explaining to her child that "running by the pool can hurt you." She sounds patient and wise on this sunny afternoon.

Unfortunately, many children do not get enough direction, and emotions remain disconnected from thinking. This leads to angry outbursts or feelings of helplessness that continue into adulthood. It is helpful to teach children real-life, concrete examples of solving problems. With my son, I shared times when I felt left out and helpless, then chose to take action by forming my own groups. Children need lots of examples of managing emotions and impulses in healthy ways. 

Leaving " perfect" behind 

In fairytales, there are very clear "good guys" and "bad guys." This allows a child to do what is known as "splitting," for example, seeing one parent as "all good" and the other as "all bad." The problem develops when splitting continues into adulthood. Thus, the handsome prince (husband) who is "all good" becomes the ogre who is "all bad." We see this often in our practice with all kinds of relationships.

As we discuss in our book, The New Marriage, children think in magical terms, in all-or-nothing solutions, and believe that they are the center of the universe. They are naturally narcissistic and feel as though they have to fight great forces for their place in the world.

As a marriage and family therapist, I have seen disaster after disaster based upon the power of this early learning. Children who learn that this is the normal way to be grow to believe as adults that there is something wrong with them because they are not living happily ever after. 

Hopefully, as adults we become more humble and realistic about our place in the world and learn to make a difference by loving as much as we can from wherever we are. Translated in psychological terms, we are no longer looking for our perfect prince or princess, but are willing to settle for a real-life human being with flaws. We are also capable of feeling valuable even if we are not the most beautiful princess who ever lived.

In The New Marriage, we try to offer more sophisticated answers to these transformations. We suggest that people learn that we are all inner-connected and that they learn respect and compassion. This does not mean that they allow themselves to be victimized or abused. The mature person is able to face the difficult forces around them with creativity, flexibility, compassion and humor. 

The frosting of magical wishes is important for a child's development. However, true transformation requires a substantial cake that can be baked in the oven by real-life experience in order to live our dreams.  

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"In Favor of Work Why Women Shouldn't Be Opting Out" by Ann Marlowe

A lot of women who are unhappy with their work lives will say something along these lines: business is hell, and no one in their right mind would want to do it, and men only do it because they have to. That women are the only ones able to see straight, or allowed to act on their seeing straight. That anyone in his or her right mind would RATHER be at home with the kids. (Of course, men don't have the option of not working, or not providing for their families. Men don't have the cultural permission to blame their lack of perseverance on anything but themselves.)

We hear this argument a lot. I would like to make the opposite argument for a change. I would like to suggest that women are not acting in their own best interests by being so cynical about business. They are short-changing themselves, not just in terms of financial independence and the rewards of a higher income, not just if they get divorced and end up with a reduced standard of living, but in terms of their personal development.

The men, as they more or less stoically struggle onward, come to realize that "endless meetings" are the stuff of life in the business world; that other people are not an obstacle to getting one's job done, they're the reason you have a job. The men see the hostility in the faces of their rivals and still persevere, befriending or neutralizing or ignoring or going head to head with them. Gradually, and not without grave errors along the way, they grow into mentors and leaders. 

They see that the occasional opportunities for promoting a subordinate to a job worthy of her talents, teaching younger colleagues, or firing a selfish or abusive manager are the forms of ethical action that their path has provided for them, and that they are not small or unworthy challenges. Men learn that a top job is demanding and consuming in the same way that the work of an artist is, because being a high level executive is an art, and one that few are talented enough to pursue. 

Only a tiny number of the men will make it to the top, of course. Those who drop by the wayside at some stage may gladly or not so gladly accept a subordinate position, leave for a smaller company, start their own business, change careers radically. But they will have all learned something, not least of all about themselves. 

I do NOT mean to suggest that making money is the only worthwhile goal on earth. Quite the contrary. Art, science, politics, public service, caring for the sick, raising children - there are good arguments to be made that each or all of these are more important and noble. The fact remains, though, that most of us work in business jobs, and whatever meaning we can extract from those forty hours a week is what we have to subsist on. And it's not a poor diet. 

Those who would tell you that the deck is stacked should be ignored. If every child had to decide to walk based on whether or not she would be a champion runner, most of us would still be crawling. Of course the deck is stacked: there is only one CEO of every company. Any person's chances of heading a major firm are low. But just as most of us enjoy walking, most of us can enjoy working. It's the journey that counts. And if you don't make it to the top, the reason isn't likely to be your gender. 

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For the Love of Spring byline Eva Selhub, MC.

Spring is the time for new beginnings and growth, when flowers bloom and children play outdoors. It is the time for new ideas and for plans to burgeon, for future accomplishments to be visualized.

Like the child who believes they are unstoppable or the plant that opens its buds to the warmth of the sun, Spring is your chance to expand to the possibilities of your life.

But often, something holds you back. Rather than blooming like a flower, you are likely contracting into a bud, ruminating about the past and fearing the uncertainty of the future.

The thing about Spring is that it is also the time to let go of the old to make room for the new. Thus the term, “Spring Cleaning.”

In order to connect to the myriad of possibilities in your life, the message here is that you may need to let go of what you are holding onto that is keeping you from moving forward. It means facing your fears and sweeping them out of the closet where they have been buried.

Now who really wants to do that? Who really wants to voluntarily face their fears and open themselves up to uncertainty?

Well, children do it, unknowingly, all the time. They take risks. They imagine greatness and adventure.

How often do you take risks? How many times have you decided to have an adventure? When do you use your imagination to help you mitigate uncertainty?

If you did, you might be able to face your buried fears and let them go once and for all. Then, when you make the space, new adventures can be had.

When the stressors of life accumulate, your buried fears get triggered and they activate your fear response. When in the fear response, you connect to little, least of all the potential of life. The fear will shut you down, physically, emotionally and psychologically.

In fear, the neurobiological mechanisms are such that you lose higher cognitive functioning, your heart rate, blood pressure and muscle tension increase, negative emotions preside, and your sociability is null and void. You lose your connection to the social support around you; to the resilience person within you; and to the larger universe that can guide you (this includes your imagination).

These are the very commodities that help you overcome stressful situations, stay healthy and happy.

So if you are under a lot of stress in the springtime, rather than connecting, you will disconnect. The more you disconnect, the more you shut down. Dismal, eh?

Ah! But there is something you can do! You can begin by connecting to your fabulous self, the love that surrounds you, and the help that may be available to you.

• First, honor the tension and anxiety you are feeling. You have every right to feel this way. That’s right. Create the space for you.
• Second, acknowledge that this is an opportunity to heal buried fears. Make more space for you.
• Third, gently and kindly allow yourself to receive the golden rays of light from the sun in the sky and the aromas of love and life to fill your lungs and your heart (real or imagined). Bask in it.
• Fourth, repeat these words: “Receiving love and support is my birthright.” Say these words every time you inhale. Simply receive.
• Fifth, let yourself fully and completely exhale, imagining that you are releasing buried fear, tension and negativity. Out they go. You can even use your hands to sweep the tension and fear out of your heart as you say these words, “I release the negativity that does not serve me.” Receive and Release.
• Sixth, imagine a smaller image of you—as an infant or child—receiving this love and support too.
• Seventh, run around outside, for no reason. Then, run around some more.

Now, you are changing your physiology from stress to balance, opening up the neurons in your brain to perceive possibilities rather than fear and dread. When you are open, you are open to the people who can help you, the universe that can support you, and the resilience within your own mind and body.

This may not change your life in an instant, but you will certainly feel better and be ready for the Spring!

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