How Can We Put The Joy Back Into SEX? by Susan Quilliam

It was a great day for me when I was first asked to reinvent the seminal sex book "Joy of Sex". The original - written by Dr Alex Comfort - was a groundbreaking work, coming as it did at the start of the sexual revolution of the 1970s; now I was being asked to revisit the work, update, rewrite and bring it into the twenty-first century.

And indeed, the years of work and the launch of the book have been absolutely rewarding. But it's dawned on me, gradually, that much has changed since the original publication 37 years ago. Sure, in those decades, we've become more liberated, more uninhibited, more able to have sex with who we want, when we want and in the ways we want.

But... but... I kept reading the original, with its energy and enthusiasm for lovemaking, its bright eyed optimism about a world where sex would be wonderful all the time.... And I kept looking around at the world of the Noughties, and realizing that optimism wasn't well-founded.

For many of us don't feel the joy of sex that we want to feel. Perhaps because we're more aware of the dangers - how easily sex can be misused, how easily it can be abused. Perhaps because there is more pressure to have sex, great sex, 24/7. Perhaps because in our lives, in our relationships, the pleasure has died... as my work on the book continued, and my understanding of the issues involved developed, I started to feel, strongly, that we need to reintroduce the joyfulness, the enthusiasm, the optimism, that - naively perhaps - was there, forty years ago, when Joy of Sex was first written.

Let's be sex positive

There are in our society so many warnings against sex - often for good reason. But let's also remember that in its essence, between two loving and responsible adults, sex is a wonderful thing. It builds physical health, improves mental health, boosts self esteem, possibly lowers the risk of some kinds of cancer; it even helps you live longer. 

Let's make sex anxiety free

One of the most practical and straightforward things we can do to have joyful sex is to remove all the anxiety from it. Reliable contraception reliably used, reliable protection reliably used; then we can relax and enjoy what follows. Being well-informed about safe sex, getting - and giving - the support we need to have sex safely. 

Let's make sex central

We live time-poor lives, where we have to work long hours to make ends meet, and then rush from one demanding commitment to another. Let's take time out for ourselves, to make love with a partner. The most recent research suggests that carving out a weekend every few months can reignite our desire for each other. No more excuses; we need to do it.

Let's make sex meaningful

What we now know - where perhaps in the 'sexual revolution' they didn't - is just how powerful sexual contact is. It binds you to a partner, creates a link between you that always remains even if the two of you don't stay together - when you make love, you do just that. Let's take sex seriously, and treat it with respect.

Let's make sex varied

We can fall into the trap of thinking that we know what we like sexually - and what our partners like. But tastes change, and routines normalize. So why not keep checking in with ourselves and with each other whether what 'always works' still does. And why not introduce new options, new moves, new possibilities; the Japanese kept a 'pillow book' of ideas by the bed to inform and inspire, and we can do the same.

Let's make sex fulfilling

It can be - particularly for her - that climax gets put to one side. Over time, perhaps it becomes acceptable that she doesn't orgasm every single time. The ideal is that both of us should do so most times we make love - if that's not happening, no wonder the joy is seeping away. Learn how to make that happen...

Let's troubleshoot if we need to

Sexual problems of some sort hit most couples - it's no shame if you are struggling. Age is no bar to good sex (recent research suggests sex gets better with the years) but can create physical or emotional blocks. So let's not be ashamed to go to a health practitioner if desire, or performance drops away. We have a right to lifelong sexual pleasure.

As for me, I've been commissioned to write more books in the Joy of Sex series, and to lecture on sex-positive programs in education and health contexts. In short, I feel that as my writing of Joy of Sex has come to an end, my campaign to reintroduce the joy to people's sex lives has only just begun. 

BUY NOW!!! The Joy of Sex: The Timeless Guide to Lovemaking, Ultimate Revised Edition

Dating for Grownups: The Invisible Older Woman byline: June Marshall

Adults and Dating

Most magazines, books, and discussions about dating center on the younger age groups in our population. But everyone in this nation is not between the ages of 16 and 21. We all know women, including ourselves, who have been divorced or widowed after many years of marriage. We also know busy women who bypassed the dating scene as they built their careers. Now these women are out in the dating marketplace. What are they finding? They are finding that they have to be careful about whom they take into their lives. The fantasy and the reality of dating are two different issues. 

Relationship Books

Most books and magazines on dating and relationships deal with the subject o attracting, understanding, or keeping a man. Cosmo with its articles about turning on and attracting Mr. Right, Glamour with its numerous articles on fascinating him in bed, Venus and Mars trying to understand each other in and out of the bedroom, The Surrendered Single, are just a few examples of the many. But what if the man is not worth attracting, understanding, or keeping? The books and magazines do not treat the subject of standards and selectivity because it is too real and sounds depressing. Fantasy sells more products than reality. So we only see the beginning of the fairy tale, not the day-to-day truth of living with another human being. We do not see the stabilized middle of the story, nor do we see the ending, which is often unpleasant.

Movies and TV

The visual media are no different, with superficial TV shows that have total strangers marrying each other based on appearance and the hope of financial gain. Shows like "Who wants to Marry a Millionaire," "Joe Millionaire," "Married by America," "The Bachelor," and "The Bachelorette" do not focus on the actuality of living with someone's character and personality traits on a daily basis. Movies like "Serendipity" show a couple falling madly in love based on a few moments of chitchat at a glove counter. Now their destiny is eternally intertwined. All of these shows and movies display the courtship dances of the twenty-something set but they fuel the dreams of people of all ages. It is "Miss America" meets "The Dating Game" and the nation is entranced by the illusion.

The Invisible Older Woman

Books, magazines, and movies find little glamour in a woman who is past 30, 40, or 50. Thus, we do not see or have a chance to comprehend the true dating experiences of the older woman in mass- market presentations. If we do, that too is romanticized, as in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," where once again we see the elaborate ceremony and what leads up to it, but not the happily- or unhappily-ever-after. The heroine is a whole 30 years old (!) and definitely behind schedule in her culture's marriage expectations. But what about the millions of women who are over 60 and 70, even over 80 and are actively seeking male companionship? The media ignores them. There is something slightly distasteful about thinking of sex and the older woman. 

Landmine Dating

The general population does not know that the incidence of AIDS in people 50 and older is growing at a rate twice as fast as for people younger than 50, according to statistics released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (apparently thanks to Viagra). The elderly man cavorts with an infected partner and brings it back to his senior girlfriend. They do not use condoms because they are past the age of pregnancy. AIDS is just one of the landmines waiting to explode in an older woman's face if she enters the dating game equipped with fairy tale dreams of romance instead of an understanding of the realities. 

"There are a lot of men who are over 70, have a lot of money and are out dating a lot of younger women and not using condoms," says Anita Finley, a gerontologist and radio talk-show host in South Florida, where she also publishes the magazine Boomer Times. "They don't get it. They were married and didn't have to use protection for so long. It's so obvious, but they're playing Russian roulette." 

Condo Casanovas

Such behavior, conscious or not, puts senior citizens at risk, say health educators who participate in the statewide Senior HIV Intervention Project in Florida. They cite a widespread use of prostitutes by senior citizens and the presence in retirement communities of so-called "Condo Casanovas," or men who take advantage of an environment in which women outnumber men by 7 to 1. With that level of competition for a man's affection, typically after decades of marriage and a healthy sex life, many women are reluctant to demand that their partner use a condom, experts say. 

Expensive Guys

In The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware! I describe the seven types of dead-end mates that women of any age would do well to avoid. But one type in particular costs the older woman more financially and socially than any other: He is a related species to the Condo Cassanova, known as OLMan (Old Loser Man). OLMan calculatingly offers his lonely prey flattery and attention, compliments, flowers, and romance. He expects financial gains as his reward but does not explicitly state it. It's just that his wardrobe can use some renewal and he comes up short on money when he takes her out to dinner so she pays. His teeth need fixing and she loves him so much, she'll fork over the thousands to get them capped. He costs the woman socially because her friends feel alienated and awkward when they try to warn her that he is taking advantage. One of his traits is that he wants to isolate the woman from family and friends so he can be the sole influence on her activities and expenses. The family is dismayed when every time they visit Mom, he is there too.

Far-away Mom

Sometimes the woman's family does not live near enough for frequent visits. The family finds out after it is too late that Mom has fallen prey to one of these parasites. After her death they find family heirlooms missing and discover evidence of large expenditures on him. He has been known to sue the woman's estate for breach of promise because Mom promised him money on her death and the heirs have withheld it. Something similar happened to my friend Rachel's mother. In Rachel's own words, "The healing process after my mother's death took on dire aspects. She had been 'dating' or seeing a male suitor, or so she thought. Turns out he was no suitor but a crook, of the worst kind, those who prey on elderly, single women. Once my father died, this guy moved in on her. Trouble is, he turned out to be an extortionist, and cost me an additional 2 1/2 million dollars in estate tax fees. It's a long story, but it had to do with him taking her dancing and telling her she was beautiful and her believing every word he said."

OLMan Example

Robert is another good example of an OLMan. He met Estelle at church. He was looking for a rich widow to take care of him and Florida was full of them. He portrayed himself as a humble man, devoted to God and religion. Estelle was ecstatic. Finally she met a man who would read the scriptures with her and discuss the world of the spirit. She saw the lonely widows sitting in the church with no male companionship, keeping themselves busy with tales of their grandkids and past lives. "I don't want to be like that. I want a guy I can take walks with and share life with. This man is a gift from God and I am going to accept it."

It wasn't long before he asked her to marry him. Nobody else had come around with marriage offers. She said, "Yes." He moved in with her, since she had an upscale condominium on the beach and he lived in what he called his "motor home" in a trailer park.

But after she married him, Estelle found out that he knew nothing about the religion he professed and did not study the scriptures the way he said he did. He could barely read, no less discuss ideas. Now she understood why she had to read the menus for him in restaurants. She thought it was because he couldn't see them. No, instead of sharing life with her, he lay around the house watching reruns of Seinfeld and Mary Tyler Moore, and ordering her to bring him cold drinks. The rest of the time he spent napping and spending her money.  

She felt trapped. She was upset with herself that she had been taken in by his act. He, however, was pleased. He had gotten his quarry and he knew it would be expensive to get rid of him. He outlived her. When Estelle died, her children were aghast at how much he cost the family. In two days, he had already moved on to another woman, in his words, "The prettiest one in the Condo!"

Prevention: Awareness

As with all complex problems, there is no easy solution to the challenges the 50+-year old woman faces in the dating environment. Many factors, including: fear of loneliness, love of fantasy and romance, wanting to feel loved, needed and wanted by a man, and wanting to feel sexually attractive, drive the woman into the arms of the Condo Casanova or OLMan. These powerful feelings are not easily wished away. The only answer is awareness: Firstly, awareness of the health risks involved in this particular age group. Regardless of how distasteful the subject to the youth-glutted media market, people need to be aware of this matter of life or death. Secondly, women must also be aware of the scam artistry of predatory segments of the male population. They must be aware of how many women are victims to their formulaic come-ons. Most women involved with OLMen or Condo Casanovas, in hindsight, prefer a little loneliness now and then to the unhappiness of being duped by a con artist or ending up with a fatal disease. 
 
Buy Her Book Here: The Dirty Seven...Ladies Beware! Who they are. What they do. How to Handle them.
Hint: It's Not LOVE!

"Taoism and Sexuality byline: Rachel Carlton Abrams, M.D

Taoism is a spiritual tradition that embraces our sexual desire and uses it within our bodies as a force for healing and spiritual growth. Desire is a rich and potent part of our human experience. The Taoists think of desire, called sexual energy or jing chi, as part of our life energy, or chi. To be passionate is to be full of chi. The English words "desire" or "passion" connote a feeling of yearning and fervor that includes sex, but they also reflect our strongest feelings about life. When we are passionate about anything--our family, our work, our spirituality, an important social cause--we are investing our chi in this experience. Our passion is what moves us to action and ultimately is what gives us joy. We are passionate about the things that matter most to us. 

We often speak of "getting horny" as if we were being invaded by some lewd, demonic (notice the horns) force. But the powerful energy of arousal is basic to our humanity. It is not, as conservative religious thinkers have taught, a dark force that separates us from God, but is the essence of what can compel us to live dynamic and fruitful lives. It is the fact that sexual energy is so powerful that has prompted most major religions to control and restrict sexual behavior, especially the behavior of women. Reestablishing our connection with our desire is part of recovering our personal power.

Once you have awakened your passion, or sexual energy, the Healing Love practices, as taught by world-renowned Taoist master, Mantak Chia, can teach you how to direct and refine your sexual energy so that you can benefit from its gifts. Though our modern world suffers from ignorance about sexuality on the one hand and blatant exploitation of sexuality on the other, Healing Love offers a several-thousand-year-old wisdom about how to live in our bodies as sexual beings and to use our passion to become the people we want to be. 


Taoist Secrets of Sexuality

Taoism is the foundation of Chinese philosophy and medicine. It is a comprehensive physical and spiritual system that helps individuals to reach their highest potentials. It is perhaps best known in this country as the basis for Traditional Chinese Medicine, which includes acupuncture, herbal therapy, nutrition, massage, the energetic meditation called Chi Kung (pronounced "chee kong"), and the martial art called Tai Chi Chuan ("tie chee chwan"). The Universal Tao system was developed by Mantak Chia to teach Taoist meditative and exercise techniques to balance the body and increase and refine one’s vital energy, or chi ("chee"). The sexual practice, or Healing Love, is an essential part of this system. 

"Chi," the Chinese word for life energy, is the force within our bodies and within the universe that engenders life. The word itself has many translations, such as energy, air, breath, wind, or vital essence. There are 49 cultures around the world that understand the concept of chi in one form or another; examples include Ki (Japanese), Prana (Sanskrit), Lung (Tibetan), Neyatoneyah (Lakota Sioux), Num (Kalahari Kung), and Ruach (Hebrew).

"Western culture" and allopathic medicine, often called Western or conventional medicine, is one of the few cultures that does not have a similar concept, although it recognizes the role of energy at the molecular level. Western medicine is extremely effective for treating acute disease and traumatic injuries. However, I believe that it is, in part, the absence of this concept of "life force" that limits its effectiveness in treating chronic illnesses. Western medicine is just beginning to recognize what the Taoists have known for more than 2,000 years, that directing the flow of our life force, our chi, can improve our health and vitality.

In The Multi-Orgasmic Woman you can learn to use your concentration and your breath to activate and move your energy; this practice is called Chi Kung. It involves both concentration exercises and simple movements to facilitate the flow of chi. Used throughout China and now widely practiced in the United States, Chi Kung is an ancient and effective practice for many health issues. I often refer to the Healing Love sexual practice as "Chi Kung for the bedroom."

Once you become aware of your chi, you’ll find that it’s rather easy to notice and feel it. Try this simple exercise. Briskly rub your palms together until you produce heat. Now slowly separate your palms until they are about an inch apart. You should feel a "cushion" of air between them that may feel like pressure, heat, or tingling. This sensation is the chi passing between your hands.

In all traditions meditative practices calm and focus the mind. The Healing Tao meditative practices do this by focusing on the movement of chi. The basic practice is based on circulating chi through a body circuit called the Microcosmic Orbit, which is like an energy superhighway in the body. The Microcosmic Orbit runs from your tailbone up your spine to your brain (the Back Channel) and then returns down the front of your body in the midline (the Front Channel). By using the focus of your mind, you can direct the chi up the spine as you breathe in and let it "fall" down the Front Channel to your abdomen as you breathe out. 

As you become adept at sensing and moving your chi, you will also be able to move your sexual energy, or jing chi, in the same pathway. The ability to expand and move your sexual energy is what allows you to increase your pleasure and intensify your orgasms, no matter what your current level of sexual experience is. It also allows you to transform your sexual energy into chi, or life force, which will give you a great deal more energy out of the bedroom as you live your life in the world. And when your chi is strong and your intention is clear, your chi is transformed into spiritual energy, or shen. 

The Healing Love practices are rich and powerful enough to do for hours each day, but flexible enough to energize you or help relieve physical or emotional stress in minutes. The sexual practices initially take some time to understand and feel in your body, but they can then be seamlessly integrated into lovemaking with astounding results: more pleasure, intimacy, and vibrancy than you’ve ever experienced. 

The Taoist practice offers a practical method to access and integrate the two most powerful healing forces in the world: real love and sexual energy. These practices can increase your pleasure and invigorate your body and soul.

Copyright Rachel Abrams 2005