Sobering global #MeToo outcomes show why gender equality will take 4-20 generations By: Dr. Kathleen Brush

Hollywood actresses emboldened to share #MeToo stories that haunted their lives inspired a global movement. Women all over the world joined in, and for many or most, their lives got worse, sometimes a lot worse. #MeToo inadvertently revealed why gender equality is estimated to arrive in the 24 th century in the United States and the 27th century in Iran.

Sometimes women used #MeToo and sometimes they created new hashtags. In Japan, many #MeTooers were shamed to a point that was seen as dangerous. Japanese women switched to #Wetoo and #Withyou to show support for the movement.

At first, government censors in China kept a lid on #MeToo. Undeterred women began using virtual private networks. #MeToo was labeled as a hostile force using Western feminism to interfere with the government. Some #MeTooers believed their lives were in danger. Minimally some were in danger of being sued. In China, more accused sue than victims, and they often win. Male-dominated judiciaries can be very powerful for reinforcing the status quo that silent women are better off.

In South Korea, women filing lawsuits alleging sexual assault have faced shaming and taunting as gold diggers. The message sent was the real victims are men. In Slovenia, #jaztudi took a more cautionary route to protect alleged victims. Stories were posted anonymously by an NGO. Instead of women facing threats, the NGO has.

In Latin America, women tired of violence, which too commonly takes the deadly form of femicide, launched #NiUnoMenos, which means not one less. Peru’s highest religious leader, Cardinal Juan Luis Cipriani, said, “[They tell us] there are many abortions among young girls, but nobody has abused these girls. Often it is women who put themselves on display, provoking men.” Another response: well-known women supporting #NiUnoMenos have been murdered.

Russian #MeTooers have not been murdered, but murder inspired a Russian #MeToo-type movement #янехотелаумирать, which means I didn’t want to die. According to the Russian government, at least 12,000 women die from domestic violence every year. What’s being done about it? In 2017 Russian President Putin signed a law, originally proposed by a female legislator, that decriminalized violence against women unless it is so severe, they require treatment in a hospital. Regarding #MeToo, Putin said he doesn’t support the movement, and like the Chinese alludes to a western conspiracy. In Russia, there is a saying, “if he beats you, it means he loves you.”

France shared something in common with Russia; influential women opposed to the premises of #MeToo, or in France #balancetonporc which means squeal on your pig. Hollywood icon, Catherine Denueve and others saw #MeToo as a puritanical movement, and men sexually pestering women as "essential to sexual freedom." France obviously sees issues of sexual harassment and abuse differently. In 2020, highly feted “literary genius” Gabriel Matzneff found his acclaimed writings about sex with young girls were being re-examined. Millions around the world responded in disbelief asking how this could happen? Perhaps, it’s because a previous open challenge to Matzneff’s sexual deviance was rebuffed. How can a nation hailed as a leader in gender equality not protect young girls from sexual abuse?

In sub-Saharan Africa, according to the UN, violence against women is second to Latin America. Here #MeToo barely made inroads. Equal rights advocates suggested the fear of backlash was too high. In India, women in Bollywood joined the #MeToo movement, but lawsuits against alleged victims, exoneration of perps, and men battling back against false complaints drowned out #Metooers. False complaints are a tiny fraction of accusations everywhere, but they have become a potent weapon in the arsenal of men to silence women seeking equal rights. Outside Bollywood, Indian women have stayed silent for two reasons that are similar to reasons in sub-Saharan Africa. It’s a better alternative and many females (and males), sometimes most, see intimate partner violence (IPV) as justified in some situations, like burning dinner, or refusing sex.

#MeToo didn’t gain traction in small Pacific island nations. One reason is, because here too there is a widespread belief that IPV as justified. The problem, or not, depending on your view, is not, limited to intimates. One study found 27% of men in Papua New Guinea admitted to raping a female non-partner, and 14% admitted to multiple rapes of female non-partners. In neighboring Australia, #MeToo had problems catching on. Some pointed to strong anti- defamation laws as the reason. In one case an Australian actor won more than a $600,000 in an anti-defamation suit. That would be enough to cool the heels of any media source or alleged victim going public with a story.

In some Muslim-majority countries, estimates for gender equality reach 20 generations or 500 years. Iran is a 500 year-to-equality country. Iranian women have struggled with #MeToo because they are up against a government that insists Islamic traditions prevent harassment. But interviews with unnamed women in Iran disagree. “If you ask 10 women about this, nine of them will say, yes, they have suffered harassment.” There is a correlation between gender equality and IPV, which would indicate that this 9 of 10 might not be far off in a 500 year-to- equality country. Laws passed in some Muslim countries are often unenforceable because they violate religious laws. Under sharia law, there is no marital rape, and a husband can justifiably beat a disobedient wife. For unmarried intimates, sexual harassment and assault are not illegal. Sex out of wedlock is what is illegal. An unmarried intimate reporting rape would be self- reporting a crime, so would a non-intimate without four witnesses. Being illegal is anyway a technicality that the potential global population of #MeTooers knows too well. In the United States, 1% of victims will see perpetrators jailed.

Religious institutions like political institutions are male-dominated, and their leaders often see women creating their own problems. In 2018, authorities in Thailand warned women “not to dress too sexily” during the New Year holiday. The thinking was if women get sexually harassed, it’s their fault for dressing like sluts. Thai women created #Donttellmehowtodress, which has been adopted in other parts of the world. Another Thai movement has been launched to teach women about consent in a culture where men don’t ask, because it seems apparent that they don’t need to. Around the world, girls don’t know there are age-of-consent laws that range from 9 to 21. But should a 50-year old man, like Matzeff, be free to have sex with a fourteen, let alone nine-year-old girl, because she said yes? In male-dominated governments, that’s not for women to decide.

There is plenty of evidence that very powerful political men can see nothing wrong with sexual harassment. The president of the Philippines, President Duterte’s regular sexist comments spawned #BabaeAko, which translates into #Iamwoman. Duterte has made jokes about rape and referred to a second wife as a “spare tyre” in the trunk of his car. What hope do women in the Philippines have to escape the most heinous form of discrimination if the leader of their country perpetuates the notion of women as men’s sexual playthings?

US President Donald Trump was a catalyst for #MeToo. Like Duterte, online logs are kept of his sexist comments. In office, they haven’t been as crude, but that’s a tempered outcome similar to the evolution of #MeToo in the United States. In the US, #MeToo has tempered sexual harassment but increased gender harassment. For victims the results are similar: the ambitions of degraded women decreases and many leave the workforce. Who leaves? Not sure, but senior women face higher levels of harassment. They are, after all, the ones that pose the greatest threat to male-dominated institutions.

#MeToo challenged powerful men all over the world, and they have responded to let women know that power in this world is securely in the hands of men, and they won’t be letting go anytime soon. Sexual harassment and abuse has been and continues to cement the inferior position of women in society. Harassment and abuse isn’t about sex; it’s about keeping women subordinated all over the world. Gender discrimination is blind to color, religion and wealth. The latter simply causes biases to change forms, and to offer legal remedies that are more likely to haunt victims than deliver justice.

Without generating global outrage that compels lawmakers and business leaders to address a scourge on half the world, harassment and abuse will continue to reinforce gender inequality. The estimates of 4-20 generations to equality and a global survey of #MeToo outcomes reinforce this won’t happen anytime soon. Women fear reporting acts of sexual violence, females have been raised to see it as justified, male political leaders promote women as sex toys, handfuls of falsely accused men drowned out millions of female victims, incidents are censored or swept under the carpet. When allegations are formalized, judiciaries send unsupportive messages.

There are other problems too. In many governments, data is not reported because the actions are not illegal. Where it is illegal, data can be censored, unprioritized, or used for purposes that obviously aren’t having much of an impact. The World Economic Forum produces the gold standard for measuring global gender equality, but it doesn’t find the most blatant and egregious form of gender discrimination relevant to evaluating equality. There is an adage that what gets measured, gets improved. If NGOs tracking gender equality don’t see a problem and neither do male-dominated governments, there is a problem without a solution. We certainly can’t rely on female heads of government. Today there are fourteen (7% of countries), up from one, fifty- eight years ago. But, even females as heads of government doesn’t automatically mean progress for women. A forecast for gender equality spanning centuries makes sense. The bigger question is, how do we bring this forward? More senior women leaders that accept part of their charge as ending gender discrimination could work.

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Piling on the unconscious bias against female doctors By: Dr. Kathleen Brush

Some languages, like English, are androcentric. The he pronoun can refer to he and she or just he. The word doctors refer to male doctors, or male and female doctors. You can probably see the problem here: androcentric languages fuel bias by making the male gender the de facto gender. In the case of a doctor, sight unseen the assumption is they are male.

A patient is waiting for the doctor. In comes Doctor Smith. It would not be uncommon for the patient to think, wait a second, I want to see a doctor, not a nurse. When the patient finds out this is the doctor, he or she unconsciously decrements her competence but increases expectations that the doctor will be warm and friendly.

Most languages distinguish between male and female professions. The male version of a word refers to males or males and females, and there is a special word for female professionals, for example, in Italian il dottoreand la dottoressa,respectively. But this may not help perceptions of competence for female professionals, like doctors. Studies in Poland and Italy have shown that when women use the feminine form of their occupation, like la dottoressa in Italy, their patients decrement their perceived competence in advance of an appointment. If instead, they used the male and sometimes androgynous word, their situation resembles Dr. Smith’s common mistaken identity as a nurse and a competence downgrade. They do receive a consolation prize in the form of an unconscious increase in perceived warmth. That is a crummy tradeoff; the primary criteria used to select a doctor is perceived competence.

Whether a female doctor uses a gender-neutral doctor title or not, mistaken professional identities should not be occurring with the frequency they do. In some countries, people unconsciously assuming a doctor is a man would be wrong more than right. In Estonia, Germany, Latvia, Spain, and the United Kingdom, there are more female doctors than male. (I’m sure there are many other countries too.) In the United States, there are almost as many women doctors as men, and data on medical students indicates that women doctors will soon be a majority.

Some researchers have inferred that when women dominate male professions, unconscious bias and all the discriminatory outcomes, like decrementing competence that accompany bias will decrease. This may be optimistic. Patriarchal societies have existed forever, and men are not going to relinquish power easily.

Challenges for female doctors do not appear to be decreasing. A survey conducted by InCrowdfound that the number of female doctors that said being treated respectfully was a problem surged from 10 percent in 2018 to 36 percent in 2019. Their sense of inequality in the profession rose from 8 percent in 2018 to 34 percent in 2019. And in spite of near equality in numbers, the belief that medicine was male dominated rose from 4 percent to 15 percent. These are outcomes of increasing not decreasing bias.

Even though female doctors are ubiquitous in the United States, look at how unconscious biases are working in medicine to preserve the status quo. Arecent studyfound that while women introduced male and female doctors using their title 96.2 percent of the time, when men introduced female doctors, they were more likely to use their first name. If a man was introducing a male doctor, 72 percent of the time they introduced Doctor Male Name.

What’s in a name, right? Turns out a lot for female doctors. Honorifics, like Dr. Somebody confer confidence, competence and respect that Didi does not. In medicine the title doctor confers a high-status position, Didi broadcasts a subordinate. The Dr. Didi Smiths of the world already faces a host of women-specific challenges working in a traditionally male-dominated profession. This includes bias against her competence, sexual harassment, and more difficult marriages. Add to this a bias that results in being introduced as a woman in a white lab coat, while a bias against her male nurse results in being mistaken for a doctor.

In spite of some evidence indicating female doctors deliver higher quality care, female doctors have been unable to escape biased assessments of their competency, and the unconscious bias that assumes they are distracted by domestic responsibilities even when working equivalent hours to their male colleagues. These biases have been shown to influence pay and promotions. Female doctors are on average paid less – a lot less. According to a Medscape survey conducted from October 2018 to February 2019, female doctors on average worked 8-9 percent fewer hours than male doctors, but compensation for female general and specialty practitioners was 25 and 33 percent less. Another survey by Merritt Hawkins in 2018 found that on an hourly basis female doctors were paid about 40 percent less.

When it comes to who gets promoted, the situation is strikingly unequal. Even though women make up 80 percent of the workforce in medicine, they have only 20 percent of key leadership positions. Compared to Germany where women make up 11 percent of leadership positions in medicine, the United States seems progressive. It’s not. It would be progressive if it was 80 percent – certainly at least 50 percent. Imagine if this were the case. Women would be dying less frequently because treatments and prescriptions they received would probably be devised for women, rather than men. A 2019 study published by the Medical Journal of Australia said that: “Historically and consistently across a broad range of health domains, data have been collected from men and generalized to women.” Dr Janine Austin Clayton for the US National Institutes of Health said: “We literally know less about every aspect of female biology compared to male biology.”

It’s known that women in male-dominated professions face more unconscious bias than in other professions, but when women face more bias in formerlymale-dominated professions this is one more sign that patriarchal societies that subordinate women are not going down without an unconscious fight. This will include diminishing a woman’s professional confidence and competence by calling her Didi when she is Doctor Diane Smith.

“First they ignore you. Then they ridicule you. Then they fight you, and then you win.” Mahatma Gandhi.

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Oprah’s new horizon becomes a reinforced glass ceiling by Dr. Kathleen Brush

Two years ago, Oprah galvanized the Golden Globes with her #metoo speech. She declared a new day was on the horizon. For men - time was up. Oprah threw down the gauntlet on gender equality. Hollywood elites roared in appreciation. People implored her to run for president. With Oprah Winfrey as CEO of gender equality, how could a new day not be on the horizon for women?

Let’s face it, Hollywood and MainStreet share little in common. Oprah’s speech, in combination with millions of #metoo tweets and the newly launched Times Up movement, sounded to many like women declaring war on men – all men – from abusers to allies. With men holding the vast majority of senior leadership positions in the public and private sectors, heeding a call to arms to protect their own was inevitable. What were the prospects women would prevail? In 2019, Forbes 75 most powerful people included five women. Time’s 25 most influential leaders of 2019 counted four women. Biography’s 100 most influential people of all time included two women. In 2019, 11 out of 100 of the richest people in the world were women. In 2019, 25 female CEOs were leading S&P 500 companies and 23 women were leading 193 sovereign nations.

Women have not prevailed. In the past two years, the path to gender equality has gone backward. In 2017, the World Economic Forum predicted it would take 170 years for economic equality, in 2018, it rose to 202 years and in 2019, to 257 years.

Look at some of the subtle ways men are halting the progress of women. The number of male managers consciously avoiding one-on-ones with female subordinates has skyrocketed. Harvard Business Review reported in 2019 that 27% of men said they were avoiding one-on- one meetings with women colleagues and 21% said they were leery about hiring women where a job required close interactions. A survey in 2019 by Lean In and Survey Monkey found that 60% of men are uncomfortable mentoring, socializing, or working one-on-one with women: a 32% increase since 2018. Meetings with women have been characterized as unknown risks and something to be avoided.

Women already face a host of unconscious biases in the workplace. A heightened fear of interacting with women is bound to increase them. How can women dispel biases held by the male gatekeepers of their career if they’re excluded from interacting with them? The giant gap between male and female leaders will never be closed with increased segregation and people and organizations will never experience the validated benefits of sufficiently representing the other 50% of the population.

One good news outcome for #metoo is that sexual harassment in the workplace appears to be on the wane. The bad news is, it’s being countered with increased gender harassment. Gender harassment is like sexual harassment minus the sex. Things like insulting the competence of women, belittling their professional presence, or making crude comments about women in general. Men are altering behaviors that cast them as sexual deviants to ones that paint them as chauvinists or garden-variety sexists. This turn of events is similar to the change that took place when overt discrimination against women was made illegal in the sixties. Discrimination in an unconscious and ambiguously legal form skyrocketed (Noe: according to the EEOC, gender harassment in “serious” forms is supposed to be illegal). Sexual or gender harassment has the same impact on women. Confidence takes a hit, perceptions of suitability for senior leadership are decremented again, and women exit the workforce. You could say the mission of letting women know who’s in charge is accomplished with either form of harassment.

There have been some positive #metoo outcomes. Company leaders have stepped forward with measures to strengthen policies against sexual harassment and have made commitments to promote more women into senior leadership. It’s still unclear if the walk is matching the talk. Some nations have also strengthened laws against sexual harassment, but enforcement remains a question mark. There are always problems implementing unpopular policies or laws, particularly when people believe they were motivated by politics or public relations. There is also the reality that while most agree on what constitutes sexual assault, agreement is missing when it comes to sexual harassment or serious gender harassment. How could there be agreement? Northeastern University’s Dr. Judith Hall, an expert on forms of sexism, which include actions of sexual and gender harassment, said these actions can “literally look welcoming, appealing, and harmless" to some women -- but not all women. It seems reasonable that men could be confused and angry by being cast as a sexual predator for something many women see as harmless or even a positive endorsement of their attractiveness.

Women should never be declaring war on men, and not just because men are in the catbird seat. Wars have winners and losers; the goal is win:win equality. To make progress toward this goal, women need a lot more than Oprah. Women leaders need to be at least 25% on all of those top-powerful-people lists. With critical mass, women leaders can get beyond the stigma of tokenism and can leverage their positions of power to influence others to accept that moving toward equality is in everyone’s interest. How women get there won’t have the glamour of Hollywood. Instead, it will have lots of women that understand why #metoo backfired, why and how discrimination against women, including sexual and gender harassment, is perpetuated, and what women can do to rise above socially-baked-in biases to land positions of senior leadership. Then we can talk about a target for a new horizon of gender equality, and it needs to be a lot less than 257 years.

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"What If I Find It Difficult To Trust My Spouse" by Shannon Eldridge

I’ll never forget the sound of Tonya sobbing uncontrollably over the telephone as we talked about the many ways she was driving her husband (and herself!) nuts. She would intercept every magazine that came in the mail and cut out every picture of any woman whom she perceived as even possibly “prettier” than her. When I asked her why she felt that need, at first her reply was, “Isn’t it my responsibility to keep my husband from lusting after other women?”

“No, Tonya, it’s not your responsibility. You can’t control anyone but yourself, and your husband can’t be controlled by anyone other than himself. You realize that, right?” I inquired.
“I guess, but I still feel as if I have to control his environment. When we’re at dinner parties, if he leaves the table to go to the bathroom, I go to the bathroom too, just in case there’s some other woman along the way that wants to try to talk to him,” she confessed.
“How does your husband feel about you following him to the bathroom?” I asked.
Tonya admitted that it probably drives him crazy, and that the fact she would even feel the need to do such a thing drove her crazy too. We talked quite a while longer about the great lengths she would go to in order to “control his environment.” Basically, this guy didn’t make a move without his wife knowing about it. And both were panicked over what it might mean if any of her suspicions were ever confirmed.

“Have you ever heard of a ‘self-fulfilling prophecy,’ Tonya?” I asked, going on to explain that sometimes we create the very behavior in someone else that we are trying so desperately to control, simply by being so controlling. When someone gets the message loud and clear, “I don’t trust you. I can’t trust you!” then guess what? They begin to believe it themselves. They are brainwashed by their own spouse into thinking, “I’m untrustworthy.” So then they simply act in accordance with what they believe about themselves. We can create the very unstable relationship that we fear most—all because of our own insecurities!

Truth be told, I’ve talked with numerous “Tonyas” in my life-coaching practice, as well as many “Toms” (the male version). Their tactics have included:
• Forcing their spouses to go to counseling in spite of their unwillingness to do so, sometimes to deal with issues that only exist in their own heads.
• Following their cars to see if they go where they said they were going after work.
• Stalking Facebook pages, text messages, e-mails, etc.
• Privately asking their spouses’ coworkers to comment on his/her office behavior.
• Enlisting a friend to “spy” on them at the fitness center, or worse, to even pretend to flirt with them simply to see how they’d respond.

My best advice to anyone who feels compelled to go to such great lengths to “follow up” on a spouse’s faithfulness or “set a trap” to catch him or her in the act—professional help is definitely needed, but you may be more in need of it than your spouse! And if you indeed discover that there is an issue that warrants your concern, I hope you’ll both get counseling rather than just expecting your spouse to deal with his or her issue alone. It takes two to tango in any dysfunctional relationship dance.

Marlene has experienced both extremes – being externally motivated by a controlling husband, and being internally motivated thanks to a trusting husband. She shares these words of warning and encouragement:

“I’ve traveled for business on a regular basis for the last twelve years. The first five of those years I was in a controlling, manipulative marriage where I was expected to phone at a certain time each day, my suitcase was scrutinized to see what I was packing and if I had a bathing suit with me. I would do laps in the hotel’s pool, but the interpretation was that I was trolling for men. I was grilled on who I met with, whether they were male o female, what I wore . . . you get the idea.

“The behavior certainly didn’t motivate me to honor his demands and, in fact, did become a self-fulfilling prophecy, eventually leading me into an extra-marital affair. Don’t misunderstand—I’m not saying my husband’s actions were responsible for my affair. Clearly that was a choice I made myself, out of low self-esteem and a need to find affirmation. I contrast those first five years with the past two years since I’ve remarried and I’m so grateful that my new husband gives me the benefit of the doubt. I’m highly motivated to let him know I arrived safely somewhere and to text him throughout the day to let him know how things are going. He trusts me completely and, as a result, I respond in kind and honor his trust. The responses the two different behaviors elicit are night and day. Everyone needs to understand that negative actions result in negative responses.”

Do you have this kind of unwavering trust in your marriage, or might there be some “self-fulfilling prophecies” in the making? If the latter is a truer statement, what do you think your own relational insecurities communicate to your mate—1) I have a high enough self-esteem to expect my spouse to be fully committed to me, or 2) I have such a low self-esteem that I automatically assume that no one would ever be faithful to someone like me? Your answer to that question will most likely reveal a lot more about yourself than it does about your spouse.
Before you let your own personal insecurities ooze out and ruin the very fibers of your relational rug, consider taking the high road. See if you’re able to make the following declarations to your spouse:

• I believe in you 100 percent and I trust you completely.
• Although you’re a fallible human being, I know your conscience will be your guide. I trust you have the Holy Spirit guiding you.
• I don’t feel the need to go behind your back to check up on you, and that feels really good.
• If I have any concerns about your marital faithfulness, I will ask you with complete confidence that you will be honest with me, regardless of what the answer may be.
• As we continue “putting all of our emotional eggs in each other’s baskets” from day to day, I have no doubt that you’ll treat my heart as carefully as I will treat yours.

Always remember that a person is innocent until proven guilty, and keep your personal insecurities in check as your own issues to deal with, rather than turning the tables and letting them evolve into relational poison. And as you put this kind of stock in your spouse’s character and integrity, I believe that it will yield a tremendous amount of compound interest! Your spouse will undoubtedly want to rise to the occasion and prove incredibly worthy of your trust.

God, please show me how to inspire rather than require sexual integrity from my spouse such that I never create a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” Help us trust one another completely, or at least trust the Holy Spirit inside one another. Help us to be as faithful to each other as You are to us.

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Weaving the Fabric of Our Friendships by Joy Carol

Have you ever lost a friend and didn't have a clue what happened? Have you and a friend had a disagreement that got blown out of proportion and suddenly you no longer talked to each other? Have you been shocked when a friend stopped communicating with you? At some time, most of us will experience a complication or miscommunication with a friend that may leave a scar on our hearts.

Alice and Ginger were inseparable best friends as they grew up. But when they were in their 40s, they had a conflict that tore their friendship apart. "Ginger and I were very close; we shared secrets and problems," explained Alice. "Not a week went by that we didn't talk. Then Ginger started acting strange. When I sent her e-mails, she didn't answer. If I called and asked to have lunch, she said she was busy and would get back to me. But she didn't.

"One day in the supermarket, I saw Ginger: 'I'm confused about what's going on. Is something wrong?' She just shrugged her shoulders and walked away. Over the next weeks, she ignored me. I finally reached her on the phone and was told we were no longer friends that she didn't want me around. I had no idea what had happened. Eventually I gave up on our friendship, but it was devastating. It left an enormous hole in my life." 

Undoubtedly this kind of break is very painful, especially if one friend decides to end the relationship without providing an opportunity to discuss what happened, what was misunderstood, or what could be changed. Losing a friendship can be as upsetting as experiencing the death of someone close to us. Yet, we rarely speak about it, nor do we feel comfortable discussing how we might deal with such losses. 

Sometimes when a friendship ends, we feel guilty, as if we did something wrong. We may pretend that the break never occurred. If someone notices and asks us what happened, we nervously answer, "we had a disagreement." And, like Alice, we try to change the subject. 

In contrast, when a relationship with a spouse or a lover ends, it's expected that we talk about it and cry about our pain. We're allowed to complain openly about the problems of infidelity, financial troubles, alcohol or drug abuse, and any other difficulties that caused the relationship to end. If we turn on our radio to a popular station, we hear songs about sweethearts getting away, about broken hearts scattered on the road of love. But such is not the case with friendship. Why is it so different? 

In strong friendships, we feel accepted, supported, and loved. These relationships are enjoyable and beneficial. Often, however, the experience of friendships can be confusing and complicated. They can be encouraging or debilitating, trusting or disloyal, joyful or painful. It's baffling that some friendships have the power to sustain people even more than their families do, while others can devastate and destroy.

When friendships shatter, there are other dimensions to consider. Possibly we feel grateful, even flattered, when people choose us as friends. So when a non-obligatory, non-family relationship ends, we may feel like a failure. Perhaps we believed friendships were less complicated and more stable than family or love-related relationships. Consequently, if we reveal that our friendships have ended, we are admitting that we drove our friends away because they saw our defects. Thus, talking about an "ex-friend" causes us to feel vulnerable and inferior.

Usually friendships develop because of shared interests or common values. We choose friends because they appeal to us or they represent the person who we long to be. So when we find someone we think will be our "special friend," it's an exciting and stimulating time. We hope the relationship won't be burdened with problems, and it's only natural that we expect our friend to be supportive, reassuring, and dependable. Consequently we endow friendships with a naïve and unrealistic trust that friends will be available to us as long as we need them. 

But there is no real basis for thinking friendships should last forever. In reality, there are many reasons why they end. For starters, friendships are just as complicated as family or love relationships. Unspoken feelings and needs, envy, competition, personal ambition, unresolved anger, and lack of boundaries can easily wreak havoc on relationships. Friends do move away emotionally and physically from each other into realms of life that might not be familiar or comfortable for both people. Occasionally we discover that our friends are totally different than the people we thought we knew. Sometimes our friends-or we ourselves-find something new and more exciting than what the friendship has to offer and move on. The reasons are myriad.

Without a doubt, the disintegration of a friendship can be painful and sometimes devastating. This loss can leave an empty space in our lives that is difficult to fill. It's unlikely that we'll find another person with the same temperament, personality, even the imperfections, that attracted us and brought about our relationship. 

However, it is possible and beneficial for us to learn how to have healthier relationships, so we won't run the risk of being disappointed, disillusioned, or hurt. Karen, a medical technician in her mid-twenties, explains how this can happen. "Isabel and I met in college and became close buddies; we had so much in common. We laughed and cried our way through boyfriends, exams, graduate work. We were always there supporting each other. We pledged to speak honestly with one another, even when it was difficult.

"At one point, I felt like Isabel wasn't there for me, that she had let me down. But I didn't want to tell her that she had hurt me. I wasn't accustomed to telling women anything negative. Soon I started drifting away from Isabel. I imagined how I would 'punish' her by leaving her. Then I came to my senses. I didn't want to lose her, because she had been a wonderful friend for a long time. How could I replace her friendship? 

"For a while, I avoided saying anything to Isabel. I was afraid I might say the wrong thing and make matters worse. Finally I realized how important it was for us to talk about what had happened and to work things out. So I got the courage to speak with her. I tried not to make her feel defensive, not to accuse her of letting me down, but to tell her that I felt let down. 

"Isabel was more open than I thought she would be. In fact, she was relieved that I opened the door to resolving our problem. This encounter actually strengthened our relationship. Now we're more willing to express concerns and air problems that come up rather than let them simmer under the pretense that all is well. I'm confident that in the future we will share openly our feelings and needs. Certainly my unwillingness to say what I felt almost caused our friendship to fail. I doubt we will ever be in danger of that happening again."

As Karen and Isabel's story points out, developing reliable, workable relationships requires a great deal of effort, courage to be honest, patience, and compassion-for our friends and ourselves. If we add doses of maturity and wisdom to the mix, we will be on our way to more satisfying friendships.

To enrich or improve the quality of our relationships, it's helpful if we recognize and understand what makes friendships more wholesome. Although there are many components that make up an authentic relationship, these three are especially important: 
1. Know and accept ourselves for the people we are
2. Be realistic about what "friendships" are
3. Learn to communicate our needs and feelings in healthy ways

1. Know and accept ourselves for the people we are

To have solid friendships, we first start by becoming familiar and comfortable with ourselves. Self-awareness and self-esteem are key ingredients in all relationships. If we know who we are, either we are satisfied with our own resources and talents, or we can try to improve and enhance them. When we have positive feelings about ourselves, we won't frantically cling to relationships for our self-worth. 

Another valuable benefit of self-acceptance is that we are less sensitive and defensive about criticism, disapproval, negative comments, or rejection. Small problems roll more easily off our backs, and we aren't as emotionally concerned about how we are perceived. We can recognize if harsh comments aimed at us are deserved or if they are misdirected or projected from someone's negative feelings about themselves. 

When we feel comfortable with ourselves, we can laugh at some of our silly reactions and less-than-wise endeavors. An "armor" of humor can protect us from a lot of anguish and grief while giving joy to others. 

2. Be realistic about what "friendships" are

Like life itself, friendships and friends are not perfect nor are they consistent; they have both good and bad qualities. When we know and accept ourselves, we are able to let go of unreasonable assumptions about what friendships should be, and we can appreciate friends for who they are with their strengths and weaknesses. Often what we want to believe is a "friend" really isn't, and it's difficult to determine whether someone is a real friend. True friends are there through good and bad times; they accept us when we aren't our best; they easily handle changes in our relationship; and they are open to talking over things that go awry. Some "friends" are women we've grown accustomed to having around, even though they might not be very caring or supportive. Others are essentially givers of pain and negative energy, but we still think of them as "friends." We need to examine this last category and decide whether to move on. 

Another unrealistic expectation is that our "best friend" can be all things for us. But that's not possible, nor healthy. No one friend, sister, spouse, or parent can be everything for anyone. Often women are disappointed and sometimes dumped, because a "best friend" couldn't meet their needs. Having a variety of friends will keep us more balanced and help us meet our diverse needs. As in every aspect of life, it's better not to put all our eggs in one basket. After all, most friendships do end at some time. Friends move, die, become ill, or get involved in all-consuming activities or relationships that don't allow time for us. So cultivating new friends is a good strategy.

By evaluating and recognizing friendships for what they are, we will find that some relationships are worth putting energy into and others are not worth pursuing. Occasionally no matter what we do, friends exit our lives without our ever knowing why. Such ex-friends may not be brave or mature enough to explain their reasons. Rather than stewing about that or endlessly struggling to reclaim the friendship, it's better to cut our losses and move on. With a more realistic perspective about friendship, we can approach relationships in a wholesome manner and enjoy them for what they truly are.

3. Learn to communicate our needs and feelings in healthy ways

Women who have self-worth are more capable of being truthful about their needs and feelings. Many women, out of their desire to be accepted, appear confused about what they want or need. They say what they think others want to hear. If we inform friends who we are and what our limits are, they likely will enjoy and respect the authentic us more than the counterfeit one. Also we can steer clear of being used by stating a firm no rather than a wishy-washy yes. Of course, we too need to respect our friends' limits and needs.

On the other hand, we may miss opportunities for growth, because we are too easily hurt. The potential to learn something about ourselves can be blocked by overreacting to critical comments or being thin-skinned. If we can openly consider our friends' suggestions and criticisms, we may learn something about ourselves. 

Although airing problems may seem risky, it's better than heading down the road of failed friendships. Talking about difficulties in non-accusatory tones and clarifying misunderstandings without inflicting guilt are healthy ways to resolve complications. Relationships become more workable when we use straightforward words that communicate what we mean rather than "beating around the bush." Friends appreciate not having to guess what we're saying. However, whenever we speak frankly, kindness should be practiced. Brutal honesty is cruel and damaging-and unnecessary. 

Finally, as singer Janis Joplin said, "Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got." If we know and accept ourselves, are realistic about what "friendships" are, and clearly communicate our needs and feelings, we will have stronger, more wholesome friendships. 

BUY NOW!!! The Fabric of Friendship: Celebrating the Joys, Mending the Tears in Women's Relationships

"The Rules for One Night Stands" byline: Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer

The number-one piece of advice women give to each other is to know yourself and the context, and be sure of what you want. Set boundaries on one-night stands, boundaries that are both emotional and physical. To have a good casual encounter, you have to protect and assert your own needs, along with respecting what your partner wants. 

After all, what's the point of getting down if it doesn't feel good? If we could be assured that our orgasm would be a priority, then it would seem that casual sex encounters would look a lot more attractive to a lot more of us. A sexy smile can last only so long, and once the romp begins, we are looking for the skills to match our attraction. 

During her first one-night stand, Jennifer (24) hit the jackpot. It was the holidays and most of her college friends were out of town. All alone in the big city, she decided it would be fun to hit one of her favorite wine bars for her first solo bar experience. After a few glasses of wine, she strolled over to a group of five men who had just come in after work. Feeling confident and independent, she decided she would try going home with a stranger for the first time. After about an hour of speaking to one guy whom she was particularly attracted to and felt comfortable with, she asked him if he'd like to leave with her. He responded by grabbing her arm and pulling her out the door. 

Without exchanging names or any personal information, they got in a cab and drove uptown to his apartment. Once inside, he slowly undressed her and laid her on his bed, then took his clothes off. He was a very good partner: He was verbal, which she found terribly exciting, and was careful to take his time, making sure she was sated. Jennifer swears he went down on her more than ten times. After their romp had concluded, she got dressed and slipped back into the night, feeling just a bit guilty because he kept asking her to stay. The next morning, she still couldn't believe what had happened. She never would have imagined something like that was within her command. 

Unfortunately, we may not all be lucky enough to come upon a partner with mad skills. Frankly speaking, many men do not know their way around female pleasure, and in the case of an unfamiliar body are either clueless or careless. This is when we have to take matters into our own hands. It's up to us to let the new boy on the block know exactly what we need, even if he's going to be around for just one night. Casual sex can be an opportunity to demand that male partners get with the equality program by putting our orgasm on the same level as theirs. 

Copyright © 2005 Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer

BUY NOW!!! A Piece of Cake: Recipes for Female Sexual Pleasure

"The Gift of Divorce...is it really possible?" byline: Karen Kah Wilson, Ed.D.PCC

Traumatic, sad, depressing, stuck, unwanted, frightening, lonely, angry, impossible, back-sliding, stressed, isolated, overwhelmed, unlovable, confused, lost, shame….these and many other words had crossed my mind during the beginning stages of my tenure divorce. And then, one day, after a long cry and an "anxiety attack" I started to laugh. The "deer caught in the headlight" image of myself had gotten boring, stale and unproductive. And more important than that, it wasn't reflecting the whole truth of my life since the divorce! I took out an untouched journal that one of my married friends gave me in chicken soup fashion saying that it "would help." (Then she ran back home hoping that the "divorce virus" that I was carrying was not contagious.) I made the following list of things that I had done that I would never have done if I were married:

· Learned how to start and use the lawn mower
· Went on a vacation to tennis camp on my own (ordered room service to my heart's delight)
· Got long acrylic fingernails and painted them red
· Painted my bedroom lavender and hung romantic Victorian curtains
· Bought new expensive sheets for my bed with a 300 thread count (I had never heard of thread counts before)
· Fixed the clothes washer after flooding the basement 3 times (lint was clogging the drain, who knew?)
· Got a make-over at the cosmetic counter
· Spent time with women friends
· Started meeting cool men (why did I think I wanted him anyway?)
· Got in to debt and out of debt 
· Celebrated holidays with the kids "my way"
· Survived a major snow storm and shoveled the driveway on my own


Welcome to a new take on divorce! One which realizes that whether we were the one who initiated the divorce or were informed that it was happening; all kinds of new directions are possible when one life stage ends. No, it is not easy, and the road to happiness may be long and sometimes frightening, but, think of it as a fresh start and give yourself permission to laugh as you face situations that you had never confronted before (like eating at a lovely restaurant on your own and being ignored by waiters) and achieving new accomplishments (like tearing down the wall in your basement and making a meditation room.)

At this point in the presentation I share with my clients, they look at me with a confused stare. I have a smile on my face and they are feeling grief, anger or worse, fear. I understand these emotions well as a psychologist, divorce coach and divorced woman. What I didn't understand at the beginning of my divorce journey, however, was that after an initial time period where we struggle to come to grips with the reality that our lives are going to change, what we feel is actually a choice that we make, a very important choice. If I had understood that back then, my life would have taken a different turn. 

Until recently, when an expert talked about how to navigate the obstacle course of any emotional turmoil, they would make recommendations based on their experiences or the experiences and impressions of others. This, naturally, caused the public to wonder what is the truth, what can really help me? Lately, new technology has allowed researchers to examine what happens in the brain during emotional moments. This has lead to a new "science" of feelings and some clear, scientific recommendations about how we can really help ourselves when we feel emotionally trapped. I found that a basic understanding of these new discoveries helped motivate me to take action. Here is a "lite" explanation of feelings and the brain:

The amygdala versus the neocortex
When we are struggling with the many challenges that confront us during divorce, two key parts of the brain vie for control within us. First is the amygdala which is responsible for our primitive survival instincts. It is activated by fear or fearful thoughts. This may include thoughts such as not having enough money, losing custody of our children, never finding love and companionship again. This fear causes us to respond with fighting, fleeing or freezing. Sound familiar? I remember many nights of sitting "frozen" in front of the television or in my bed. I know women with whom I work are "caught" by their amygdala when they report that they are "stuck" in their life and not able to make any changes. These women are depressed, resentful, angry (the fight response), sleep a lot (the flight response) and think about their worries and fears over and over again. I was interested to learn that the more we are engaged in fearful thoughts, the more this type of thinking becomes a habit. We can become trapped in a cycle which breeds more and more negative thinking. Does this sound familiar? Do you feel stuck with the negativity of your life?

The hero for this situation is the part of our brain that is responsible for thought and high level intellectual functioning called the "neocortex." When you give yourself permission to think about your choices and push yourself to envision a productive, meaningful future, then the neocortex is in charge instead of the amygdale. You are now able to take action and make things change in your life. 

In summary, we have a choice-we can think of ourselves as victims of divorce or as powerful women who are ready to take steps (even small steps) towards creating the life that we want. This is not an easy process, but it is an essential one. A process that can lead you to a life where you are happier than you have ever been before.

It all begins with a vision of a joyful future. Remember that as long as you are caught by constant negative thoughts about how you are not living the life that you want, the more you are activating your amygdale and staying stuck in fear. Try a different direction for your thoughts. For example, consider this: if, in five years, you were able to create the ideal life, the life that you have always dreamed about, what would it be like? Allow yourself to imagine your ideal house, job, mate, social activities and other life aspects. This is your dream make it audacious! This dream and the freedom to take action toward this dream is one of the biggest gifts of divorce. Why?

When we are married we have to make compromises. That is normal and a part of being a good partner. Now, that you are on your own, the possibilities are limitless! You can focus on what you want and orient your life around a strategy designed to bring your fondest wishes into your life. Creating this new, wonderful life does take planning, patience and perseverance. It will be like running a marathon--a long 26 mile jog, up hills and down hills. With the right pacing you can cross the finish line a winner.

Divorce can transform your life. Imagine yourself on a long and winding road. Behind you is the life that was-your marriage. Ahead of you lies open road -- terrain yet to be explored. Possibilities. That is my favorite word about this time. Your life is full of possibilities if you allow yourself to stay positive and focused on what you really want. 

While not knowing what is going to happen can be a bit frightening, having no pre-determined plans to clutter your future can be considered the most cherished gift of your divorce. Having the opportunity to start most segments of your life without any expectations, a time that can be focused on you and only you is an amazing gift. Gather together the support that you need, friends (old and new), family, a coach, and start moving toward your dreams today. Transform your dreams into a beautiful reality. The gift of this time is yours to enjoy. Accepting the gift and appreciating its potential is your first step. Reach for it and begin!

Buy now!  Transformational Divorce: Discover Yourself, Reclaim Your Dreams, and Embrace Life's Unlimited Possibilities

"Reclaiming Genital Dryness: Because Men Have Options, and Women Deserve Them, Too" By Lauren Streicher, MD

You’ve, no doubt, heard the term “erectile dysfunction” or “ED.” But what you may not realize is that this term was popularized as part of a marketing campaign—not by doctors.

Prior to 1998, men who were unable to maintain an erection suffered from “impotency,” a diagnosis that implies weakness and powerlessness. A guy who was impotent didn’t just have a medical problem; he was also a personal failure. And no way was he going to make an appointment to discuss his impotency with his medical doctor. Suddenly, in 1998, the impotent man disappeared, and the man with ED emerged. This man was handsome, successful and sexy.

So who spread this new, mighty term? It was the people who had the most to gain from men admitting they had a problem: the inventors of Viagra. Pfize launched Viagra and at the same time launched a genius marketing campaign that redefined impotency as erectile dysfunction. The condition was not only normalized, but it gave men the language to talk to their doctors about it so they could comfortably ask for a prescription.

And for every man who suffers from erectile dysfunction, there is a woman who suffers from vaginal atrophy. Women with vaginal atrophy as a result of hormonal changes that occur during the transition to menopause have vaginal walls that are so thin and dry that intercourse is either excruciatin painful, or impossible. The condition is just as common as erectile dysfunction. But no one is talking about it, and most women are not getting treated for it even though there are many excellent options to alleviate the problem.

But, like men who are impotent, no women (even if they are familiar with the term) wants to have vaginal atrophy! But for the 50 million women who have vaginal atrophy and have lost the ability to have pleasurable, slippery sex, I have a solution. My version of ED for the women.

Introducing ‘GD’

Instead of having the use the term “vaginal atrophy” (which no one knows, can remember, or wants to say). I would like to introduce a new term to describe the changes that occur not only around the time of menopause, but from a number of medical conditions as well.

GD stands for “genital dryness.” Your doctor will not know the term GD, (no yet, anyway), but they will understand what you mean when you say you have “genital dryness” and you need a solution.

Thin dry vaginal and vulvar tissues affects 40% of postmenopausal women. But it’s not just midlife or older women that suffer from this problem. There are a number of other circumstances that can reduce natural lubrication in any age woman such as post partum and nursing mothers, hormonal contraception, women being treated for cancer with chemotherapy or radiation and medications such as anti-histamines, decongestants or tamoxifene.

The guys have it a little easier since most ED can be solved with a pill. GD isn’t always so straightforward, but you do have options:

1. Lubrication is key. The right vaginal lubricant is an essential ingredient for turning “sandpaper sex” into slippery sex. Most drug stores have a dizzying selection of lubricants, but almost all are water based. While readily available and inexpensive, most water-based lubricants are gloppy, sticky and contain a propylene glycol preservative, which can be irritating. Silicone lubricants, on the other hand, are more slippery, last much longer and are non-irritating.

2. Moisturizers are not just for your face. A lubricant is to be used at the time of intercourse to reduce friction. Lubricants do not alter vaginal tissues; they just make them more slippery. A long acting moisturizer, on the other hand, is intended to change the water content of the tissue (hence “moisturizer”) resulting in tissues that are more elastic, thicker, and with enhanced ability to produce fluid, that will in turn reduce friction.

3. Estrogen is not the enemy. It would be nice if lubricants or moisturizers always solved the problem, but sometimes the ravages of menopause make the vaginal walls so thin and dry, that the only way to reverse the vaginal clock and make intercourse comfortable is estrogen. I know…estrogen. Everyone thinks breast cancer, blood clots, bad stuff. Keep in mind that the FDA required warnings and complications listed on the package insert have never been shown to occur as a result of using a local vaginal estrogen product. All vaginal estrogen products improve the thickness, elasticity and lubrication of your tissue. Personal preference, ease of use and convenience (not to mention what your insurance covers) dictate which product you choose. Currently, there are three types of prescription vaginal estrogen products: creams, a vaginal tablet, and a vaginal ring.

Every woman should come up with an individual plan with the help of her doctor. But, most important is that women take a page from the man with ED’s playbook and stop being ashamed.

   Buy Here Now:  Love Sex Again: A Gynecologist Finally Fixes the Issues That Are Sabotaging Your Sex Life

"The Open Profile...How To Turn A Browse into A Click...online dating" byline: Judsen Culbreth

The opening profile is your first and perhaps most important dating tool. Learn how to avoid the mistakes made by 90 percent of searchers and create a profile that captures your strong points and stands out from the crowd. 

User Name 

Every word counts in your opener, including your user name. Save Susan6134 for your office or home computer. Your dating "handle" should be anonymous yet descriptive. One study of perceptions in cyberspace demonstrated that selective nicknames or handles influence the impressions others develop of the person using them. These little words count! 

What two or three words fit you to a tee? 

You might want to zero in on an activity or interest, like I did with my online ID, GolfNut. Or consider HappyHiker, NauticalGal, OutdoorLover, WalkingWoman, LineDancer, HistoryBuff, BirderChick, BridgeBelle, or HookedonBooks. 

You may have a fascinating profession to brag about, as did PaleoGal, ArtLady, and Novelist53. Or you may possess intriguing physical attributes, like NordicBlondeBuddy, Blondie, Green-eyedLady, OleBlueEyes, SunnySmiles, Dimpled&Adorable, PolishednPretty, CuteRedhead, and Brown-eyedGal. 

Personality might be your strong suit: HeartofGold, Warm&Lively, ThoughfulLady, Friendly&Affectionate, GreatListener, Spirited&Sensitive, CozyCharmer, FunFran, HappyGal, SueIsNice, SweetnShy. Good, honest humor also gets noticed. I chuckled when I read the refreshing MiddleageOverweightSchoolmarm. 

Banner Headline (Subject Line) 

Most sites have a banner headline with the profile -- a six- to 12-word phrase that offers you a second chance to grab attention and sell yourself. Notice the emphasis on yourself. Don't use this important real estate to describe the person you're looking for. He will find you if you do your selling job. 

Put modesty aside for 15 minutes and jot down your wonderful attributes. If you find that difficult to do, think about how good friends would describe you. What's it like to be with you? Don't guess; ask them. Friends can offer a fresh perspective and may be much more objective about you than you are. 

In your collection of compliments, be sure that there are adjectives emphasizing your joy and vitality -- "love to laugh," "crazy about fishing." At this stage, what attracts is a happy, healthy person who's warm and open to men, and has enthusiasm about life. Here are some more examples: 

PLAYFUL PETITE REDHEAD 
LIVE WIRE SEEKS SPARKS 
CUTE LADY WHO LOVES HOCKEY 
GOOD COOK AND CUDDLER 
HAVE YOU HAD YOUR GIGGLE TODAY? 
LET'S HAVE FUN 
ATTRACTIVE. ADVENTUROUS. ADORABLE. 
TRAVEL GAL WANTS A PAL 

You'll notice that good banner headlines are positive, interesting, and humorous. They keep things light. Donna Frank of Nashua, New Hampshire, attracted now-husband Eric's attention with her headline, "Modern-Day Elaine Seeking Her Seinfeld." 

On the other hand, banner headlines that spook guys are heavy and hostile. Don't make these mistakes: 

Asking too much too soon. Imagine writing a résumé in which you told your prospective employer that you were looking for lifetime employment with a guarantee of happiness. That would be an absurd request from someone you'd never met. Equally absurd are similar banner headlines, such as HUSBAND WANTED, SHARE MY SOUL, or SPEND THE NEXT 20 YEARS WITH ME. So are ones that ask a perfect stranger to be perpetually amusing: EXCITE ME or GIVE ME A LIFETIME OF LAUGHTER. These remind me of the Seinfeld episode in which New York Mets' first baseman Keith Hernandez asks Jerry to help him move. "I hardly know the guy," Jerry protests, and rightly so. Only someone you're very intimate with should be asked to do such heavy lifting. 

Sounding too sexy. You don't want to come across as a cyber-tramp with headlines such as CHECK OUT ROOTY TOOTY BOOTY, LET'S MAKE MISCHIEF, PASSIONATE WOMAN, or 1SEXY LADY NEEDS NAUGHTY GUY. You may be flooded with e-mail, but not the kind you want.

Sounding too romantic. You'll seem naive and vulnerable if you opt for headlines such as SEARCHING FOR MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. Also trite and overused: MR. RIGHT, MR.. WONDERFUL, THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE, ONE IN A MILLION, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, HEARTTHROB, PRINCE CHARMING. 

Picking on men. Many women, perhaps inadvertently, allow male bashing to creep into their banner headlines. Okay, maybe in the past you were burned by men, but you need to decide now whether you want to date 'em or hate 'em. If you want a fresh start with an online romance, note that stereotyping men as dishonest and irresponsible is not an attraction magnet. The hostility repels the good guys as well as the bad. Men like women who like men. Check your banner headline for these kinds of subtle or outright hostile put-downs: ARE YOU ONE OF THE NICE GUYS?; BE HONEST; NO HEAD GAMES; NO JERKS ALLOWED; NO CRAZIES, PLEASE; R U NORMAL?; NO MORE B-S! 

Short Personal Profile 

It's less than 100 words -- sometimes as few as 25 -- but this descriptive paragraph needs to convey the experience of you. A good way to accomplish that is to divide the profile between your physical description and personality, keeping in mind the two questions you need to answer in this short space: What am I like? What is it like to be with me? Here are a few tips to get you started. 

Physical 
Tell the truth. Some sites require you to disclose height, weight, and age right up front. If you've been fudging for a while and can get away with shaving a few pounds or years, you might be okay. But any experienced online dater will warn you that you're risking wrath when you lie. Clever explanations and apologies will not earn you forgiveness if you've wasted someone's time by misrepresenting yourself. When the 50-SOMETHING TENNIS CHAMP I agreed to meet turned out to be 72, the sweet bouquet he brought didn't keep me from leaving soon after our handshake. He'd insulted me by lying. 

There's no reason to lie about your age. Why compromise your credibility when so many online searchers will treasure the years you're trying to hide? Preview sites specifically for Boomers. The big sites, such as Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, or Matchmaker, also have millions of mature browsers and are experiencing double-digit growth in our demographic group. 

Jim Fischer, who started his online search at 49, listed "someone my own age" as his number one criteria. "I was married for seven years to a Gen Xer who was 15 years younger than me," he says. "What a disaster! Her cultural references began with the movie Sixteen Candles and ended somewhere around Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I wanted someone on my level, someone without a tongue ring or tattoos and who could answer, 'Where were you when President Kennedy was assassinated?'"

There's also no reason to lie about your weight. Maybe you won't attract the guy who wants a perfect size six. Don't worry about him. You don't need to appeal to everyone. Set your sights on the person you really want to meet. Get his attention by describing yourself in flattering terms, such as BBW (big, beautiful woman), voluptuous, or sensuous size 16. 

When Jim linked to Stephanie, now his wife, "we were both toting some extra pounds," he says. "That's called, 'you get older and you put on weight.' It's just life." 

Use colorful language and humor. Instead of "tall," how about saying you're "long-legged"? The latter creates a more sensual mental picture, like Lauren Bacall showing off her great gams in To Have and Have Not. Instead of "brown hair with highlights," don't you think it would be more fun to meet a "nearly blonde dazzler"? 

The Age Issue 
Contrary to popular belief, most mature men don't want a younger woman. Statistically, they tend to marry women close to their own age. But women who age well or look young for their age seem to have the odds in their favor. In his study of marriage-minded men, author and image consultant John Molloy reports that a majority of men over 40 want a woman who is "going to stay in shape, keep her figure, and pay attention to her appearance." Molloy's survey, the subject of his book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, also found that "half the men over 40 who have dated, lived with, or married much younger women would hesitate to do so again."

Personality 
Share your interests. The way you spend your leisure time is one of the best indicators of your personality and values. (If you've been too busy for hobbies, you may want to consider rounding out your life.) Write down the activities that show both your playful and serious sides. 

Notice the balance in these short profiles: 

"My smile is contagious and so is my energy. I'm a gym rat, chess player, and volunteer community gardener, and I read all the historical fiction I can get my hands on. Let's laugh together . . ." 

"I've built the kind of life where I can travel and have a good time. I try to walk every morning, and love trips where I trek around the countryside. I think that's the best way to really see things up close, and I can take time to enjoy a magnificent view, whether I just stumble across it or admire it during lunch at a roadside café." 

Notice the lack of balance in this one: 

"Sometimes I spend too much time at work and leave out the relaxing pleasures of mowing the lawn and weeding the garden."

Appeal to your target audience. One of the fundamental rules in sales and marketing is to know to whom you're selling. In this instance, your goal is to appeal to a member of the opposite sex. The key word here is opposite. My gorgeous friend Marion wondered why she wasn't getting e-mail. Here's the line from her opening profile that killed her chances: "My favorite activity is shopping!!! I love clothes." This would be a great hook if she were hoping to land a woman friend. But in my experience, if you give a man a choice between shopping and having a root canal, the latter has a better chance of winning. (The exception, of course, would be helping a woman pick out a bathing suit -- lots of male volunteers there.) 

Too much domesticity can also turn off men. You're not applying for the job of cook, maid, or nanny. Clean out language that pigeonholes you as a housebound Heloise. Check, for example, that your list of activities includes more than cooking, gardening, needlepoint, crafts, and yard sales. You want to appear dynamic in a number of spheres. 

This profile shows symmetry between domesticity and romance: 

"I cook very well, especially if you'll share a good wine and talk with me while I'm marinating the steaks." 
This one reaches domestic nirvana from a man's point of view: 
"I am a very happy, low-maintenance person who enjoys simple pleasures like barbecuing on my deck as I watch the sun set over the golf course."

Offer specific, telling details. Most adults enjoy dinner, movies, music, and travel. It's the distinguishing detail that will catch the eye of your compatible partner. If nothing tastes better to you than a cold beer and a hot dog at the ballpark, say so. (Boy, will you get e-mail!) If you've seen every single Steven Spielberg movie, let the other Spielberg fans know. Tout your uniqueness and expertise with specifics: 

"I was brought up on the Sound and know the waters south of Boston down to City Island pretty well." 
Demonstrate what you're describing: 
"Great sense of humor (think Robin Williams -- only calmer)." 
Or, as Eric Frank had Donna giggling: 
"My friends think I'm funny (I love my friends)." 

One detail you don't want to disclose in the opening profile is information on your family. Keep the first impression focused on you. No distractions -- even lovable ones -- just yet. Save the introduction to your family for the questionnaire or first date. Here's how bringing up the family too early can backfire: 

If you write: He'll Think: 
I have two daughters who are the love of my life. I'll never come first. 
Here's a photo of me with me sister in Paris. Every year we take a wonderful vacation together. This sister is going to hate me stepping in. I see trouble. 
My favorite place to relax is at my family's home in Connecticut. Uh-oh. Wonder what they're like. 
Avoid the negative. I believe honesty is the best policy -- but not the despairing, soul-baring kind of honesty evident below. Would you respond to these women or flee? 
"I'm tired of sitting at home waiting for Mr. Right to knock at my door, and I hate those singles bars. All my friends are married, and I feel like the third wheel. I need a life." 
"I haven't worked in a while because I was badly injured when I fell down a flight of stairs. While I was recovering, I had to cope with a divorce. But now I'm ready for someone who can make me smile again." 
No man in his right mind would want to shoulder that kind of burden. Guys are not online to do a rescue mission. 
Demands can backfire, too. They turn off all men because they make you seem hard to please and testy. Don't say what you don't want. 
"Don't answer this if you're not a gentleman." 
"Game players need not apply!" 
"I only want to hear from someone who wants to make a commitment." 
A more positive approach would be: 
"I would like to meet a friend who also likes to walk for exercise." 

Defensiveness is another form of negativity. There's no need to feel bashful or ashamed about going online. Millions of smart, attractive people -- including the men who'll be scanning your profile -- have made cyber-dating a socially acceptable option. Congratulate yourself that you're healthy, confident, and savvy enough to take control of finding a loving relationship. Don't waste time and valuable words on apologies like these from . . .

The virgin searcher: "Well, I've never done this before and I'm not very good at it, but here goes . . ." 

The resigned searcher: "Nothing but sheer desperation has brought me here. I'm determined to meet that one guy in a million, the one who will fall in love with me at first sight." 

The halfhearted searcher: "My sister talked me into this, and I have no idea what I'm doing." 

Education And Success: The Hot New Ticket 
There's a shift in the marriage market, according to University of Texas professor Kelly Raley, Ph.D. In her study of marital preferences, based on data from the National Survey of Families and Households, Dr. Raley was surprised to find that men are most willing to marry women with more education and earning power than they have themselves. "Attractiveness may still be important," she says, "but it looks as if men want women with greater economic resources." 

Another study, from the University of Utah, also confounded researchers. Contrary to predictions, the woman who described herself in an ad as "financially independent, successful (and) ambitious" generated twice as many responses as the description "lovely . . . very attractive and slim." 

Photo 
Posting a photo on the opener is a must. Profiles with photos generate 80 percent more responses, according to site managers. Some women say they don't want to be judged by their photos. I would counter by saying that you won't be in the contest at all. "No pix, no picks" is how it's played. Not having a photo with your profile implies that you have something to hide. It's a caution flag. Think about it: Would you choose someone who didn't post a photo? 

If the technical aspects bother you, note that sites now offer step-by-step instructions on how to get your picture online. If you have a digital camera, you're set. You can also get traditional photos inexpensively converted to digital at Wal-Mart, copy shops, or photo stores like Photomax. Some online sites, such as ThirdAgePersonals.com, will do all the work for you -- you e-mail or mail them your photo, and they'll do the posting and/or digital conversion for you. 

Which photo to choose? 
Select a shot that offers the clearest, most flattering view of you. A professional head shot (if not too stiff -- warmth is very important) works quite well. If you don't have one, consider having one made, and see if the photographer could recommend a hair-and-makeup person who can help you achieve a natural-but-gorgeous look. (This could be the best investment you ever make!) 

A photo that shows a hint of location in the background also can be very engaging. But you -- not the mountains, the seashore, or the Eiffel Tower -- must be the star. In fact, your backyard on a sunny day may be all the location you need. Sit in a comfortable chair and ask the photographer to crop in on you from the waist up. Look relaxed and happy, and you've got the perfect pose. 

You'll have a chance to include other pictures with your questionnaire. There you can show off how sexy you look in a ski outfit or what a knockout you are when dressed to the nines. But remember to keep the opening photo clear and simple. If a guy can't get a good look at you, he may skip to someone else. Other photo pointers: 

Avoid old photos. Never post anything more than two years old. 
Showing too much skin may send the wrong message about you. You don't want to attract a bad kind of guy. 
Try to project warmth, one of the characteristics mature men want most. A big smile and cozy sweater signal that you're kind-hearted; sunglasses say cool, not warm. My friend Hildy didn't want her doctorate degree to seem intimidating, so she included a shot showing her holding mother and baby sloths. Half her e-mailers skipped over the Ph.D. part. They wanted to know what the heck she had around her neck. 
Group photos are confusing. Maybe your hair did look fabulous on the night of your high school reunion, but the other folks in the photo are a distraction. Pick another good-hair moment. 
Don't crop your former husband or boyfriend out of a photo unless he won't be missed, because a strange arm around your shoulder that's not attached to a body looks very weird. The trace of an ex also suggests that you haven't moved on from that relationship. Haven't you had a good time since you two parted? 
Save photos of the kids for an in-person meeting. 
Summary Sell-Line 

After you've created a warm, interesting picture of yourself and posted an equally wonderful photo, it's time to clinch the click. The fifth step is a simple, very effective two-part sales strategy that will distinguish you from the crowd. 

Offer what marketers call the value proposition. What's 'in it for the browser? What can you promise that will make him click on you and not the competition? Note how well this four-sentence summary sell-line states the value proposition and makes the case for a future relationship: 

"I will be a good friend and ally. I will be tender, responsive, appreciative, agreeable. I will inspire you. I will listen to you."

Copyright © 2005 Judsen Culbreth  

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"Men and Women Cheat For Entirely Different Reasons" byline: Ruth Houston

The latest infidelity studies indicate that percentage-wise the gap is closing between cheating husbands in comparison to the percentage of cheating wives. However, even though more men are now becoming victims of infidelity, the fact still remains that 70% of infidelity victims are women. What's interesting though, is that men and women who are cheating on their spouses give different reasons to justify their extramarital affairs. 

The Top Reasons Men and Women Cheat

The top 3 reasons men cheat all relate to sex. However sex is not usually the motivating factor for cheating wives. The top 3 reasons women cheat relate to unmet emotional needs or a desire for attention. Listed below are the most common reasons cheating husbands and cheating wives use to justify their extramarital affairs:

Why Men Cheat

The most frequently cited reasons for infidelity among men include
1. more sex (the desire for a more active sex life)
2. sexual variety (a desire for different kinds of sex)
3. opportunistic sex ( taking advantage of an opportunity to have sex without the fear of getting caught)
4. to satisfy sexual curiosity (about a specific female)
5. a feeling of entitlement (the belief that it's a man's prerogative to cheat)
6. the "thrill of the chase"
7. the desire to feel important or special
8. sexual addiction

Why Women Cheat

The reasons most frequently cited for female infidelity include
1. a desire for emotional closeness and intimacy (someone caring to confide in and bond with on an emotional level)
2. a desire for attention (wanting be the center of a man's attention again)
3. to reaffirm her desirability (To feel validated as a woman)
4. to re-experience feelings of romance
5. a desire to feel "special"
6. boredom
7. loneliness
8. sexual excitement

Men Cheat for Sexual Reasons, Women Cheat for Emotional Reasons

Granted, these are not the only reasons men and women cheat. There are other reasons as well. But the bottom line is that men are cheating on their wives primarily for sexual reasons, while women are cheating on their husbands mainly for emotional reasons. However, these are the reasons most frequently given by cheating husbands and cheating wives who are willing to discuss their extramarital affairs.

Numerous studies on infidelity bear that out. In one study, 75% to 80% of the men who admitted to having extramarital affairs said that sex was the primary reason. Only 20% of the women who were having extramarital affairs said they did so for purely sexual reasons. 

How More Marriages Could be Saved

The most amazing thing about the studies is that the majority of infidelity victims (70% of married women and 54% of married men) have no idea their spouse is having an extramarital affair. In another study, 60% of the people who admitted that they were cheating, said their partner did not know about their affair. This leads me to conclude that if more people knew how to recognize the warning signs of infidelity, more marriages could be saved. After all, the first step to solving a problem is knowing that the problem exists. 

© 2005 Ruth Houston

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"Is Your Marriage Ripe for an Affair?" byline: Arleah and Morrie Shechtman

Five Surprising Warning Signs What drives peoples to infidelity may surprise you. Selfless devotion is at the top of the list.

Quick, answer this question with the first thing that comes to mind: If you were worried that your spouse might stray, what would you do to prevent it? Maybe your knee-jerk response is: "I'd lose 20 pounds and upgrade my wardrobe." Or, "I would shower my spouse with expensive gifts." Or, "I would be extra attentive to my spouse so she would realize how good she has it." If your answer resembled any of those above, bad news: You're on the wrong track. You've bought into a common misconception about what causes affairs in the first place. 

Most people assume that people have affairs with someone more attractive, sexier, or richer than their spouse. Despite the clichés-the mid-life crisis situation where the husband runs off with his much younger secretary, for instance-that's not what infidelity is about. People who cheat generally choose someone busier and more goal-oriented than their current partner. Someone more interesting, in other words.

That's right. The harsh truth is that when one spouse strays, it's probably because the other spouse has become, well . . . boring. So your focus on your appearance or your desperate attempts to please your partner completely miss the point. 

Here are a few warning signs that your marriage may be ripe for an affair:

1. You don't challenge each other. Unconditional acceptance is a myth. Healthy marriages require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. An "Oh, I'll let the little woman do whatever makes her happy" attitude is condescending and harmful. If your partner lounges around in her bathrobe watching TV every day and you say nothing, then you're not invested in her well-being. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's sick. Maybe she's succumbing to laziness. Regardless, the message that she gets loud and clear from your silence is that you don't care. Not only do you have the right to make reasonable demands on your partner, you have the obligation to do so.

2. You and your partner have become an amoeba. Getting married does not mean morphing into a single person with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your spouse do everything together, something's wrong. If your partner is not allowed to have a life of her own, she will eventually become resentful. Similarly, if you're over-interested in her life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, she will feel intruded upon and smothered. True intimacy requires two people having independent lives, not two people living through each other. The best marriages are low-maintenance marriages.

3. One person selflessly lives for the other. Shechtman likes to tell the story of Bernard, a heart surgeon, and Stacy, the wife who selflessly devoted herself to him. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised his kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him, often complete with heart-shaped ice cubes. And one day Bernard left Stacy for a disheveled photojournalist, two years his senior, who chastised him for stealing a cab she'd just hailed. Why? Because the photojournalist was interesting. Selfless devotion is boring. Bernard could have hired a housekeeper and a caterer. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. And by failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard of that.

4. Everything centers on your children. It's easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don't. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance. When you are reduced to being little more than an appointment secretary or a taxicab for your children, there's precious little time to develop an identity, a life, of your own. Remember, children are temporary. One day they will grow up and leave and your marriage will still be there. More to the point, you'll still be there. So devote at least as much energy to your personal growth as you do to the social life of your kids. 

5. You don't have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Does the question, "How was your day?" unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you're missing the point of communication. Quality communication is the heart of intimacy. (And you thought it was sex!) If you're confused about what constitutes a high-intimacy dialogue, here's a clue: It centers on feelings, not information. Instead of merely reporting to your partner what happened to you that day, tell her how it made you feel. Even if you have only ten minutes a day to talk to her, make those ten minutes count.

Interestingly, most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don't care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don't challenge your spouse to "be all he can be," if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you might as well be a disinterested roommate. Abandoning your spouse is the first step to checking out of the relationship.

So what can you do to affair-proof your marriage? The answer can be summed up in three little words: Get a life. 

Set goals and work toward them. Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you. Don't just hop from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision. Take some risks. And challenge your spouse to do the same. Even if it causes some temporary discomfort, remember that a healthy marriage isn't about comfort zones and status quos. If you settle for comfort, your marriage will die.

There's one other point I would make. Create a rich, rewarding life for yourself and if your spouse did have an affair and ultimately leave you, you would be well-equipped to cope. Interesting people just have more resources, be they money, social connections, or potential new romantic partners. There are no guarantees in marriage. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. Being abandoned by a spouse is far preferable to abandoning yourself. 

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"Laughing Through The Apocalypse" byline: Dale Atkins and Nancy Hass

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day if I did not laugh I should die. --Abraham Lincoln 

Laughing is probably the last thing you feel like doing when your parents are driving you insane, but that is precisely the reaction you should have sometimes. Throughout the ages, much humor has been derived from the antics of bumbling dads, meddling mothers-in-law, and overindulgent parents of all sorts. Think Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Woody Allen, Philip Roth. From Sanford and Son to Meet the Parents and The Royal Tenenbaums, relations between adult children and their mothers and fathers have been a rich topic in popular culture. There is good reason for this: almost everyone periodically finds themselves in situations with their parents that walk the line between harrowing and hilarious. 

One of my clients, a top executive at a huge entertainment company, brought his mother to the Grammy Awards. After introducing her to some of his colleagues, he brought her over to say hello to Mariah Carey. His mother took one look at the singer's gown -- cut down to her navel -- and asked in a voice tinged with disapproval, "Do you work for my son?" 

"No," said Carey. "I'm an entertainer."

"I'm sure you are, my dear," said his mother, turning on her heels. 

Did you laugh when you read that? I certainly did when my client told me that story. He was mortified by how his mother had acted, and I was trying to be sympathetic, but I couldn't help myself -- a little guffaw just slipped out. And you know what? When he saw me laugh, he started laughing too. In fact, we both laughed so hard tears came to our eyes. I still smile now every time I think of his five-foot-two-inch mom in her spangly pantsuit giving Mariah Carey the cold shoulder. 

My point is that learning to see your parents' foibles -- and your sometimes overblown reactions to them -- as humorous, at least on some level, is healthy and extremely productive. Seeing that your life resembles a not-ready-for-prime-time reality show can be as efficient as the SWAT explosives unit at diffusing any bombs your parents throw at you. 

And learning to laugh to yourself at your parents -- yes, it's something you may have to learn -- will also provide you with great material to share with friends and family. That's important, because telling funny stories about your zany parents is a good way to drain the drama and heartache out of your dealings with them. And that's a giant step toward putting it all in perspective and eventually dealing with your parents in a sane, strategic manner. 

With whom should you share such stories? Well, for starters, your Second Opinion will enjoy hearing you talk about your parents with humor. He or she already knows the players and what's at stake, and -- if you have chosen your S.O. carefully -- will be overjoyed to hear that you are dealing with the conflict in a less loaded way. Everyone loves a good story. There is no greater tension reliever than being able to transform an annoying interaction with your parents into a ruefully funny story to tell your partner as you both lay in bed at night. The person you love probably has heard his or her share of horror stories, listened to you complain endlessly, probably with good reason, about your burden. If you can occasionally rework the drama into a comedy, it will make listening to your complaints much easier the next time around. 

I realize that recasting the drama between you and your parents into a comedy is not always easy. Laughter requires distance. Unless you put some space between yourself and the situation, learn to float above it and look down at the dynamics from a safe place, you will not be able to appreciate the inherent humor, however black, in the situation. If you allow yourself to be stuck in the role of victim, you will feel threatened and angry instead of bemused and in possession of a good story for your friends. 

Imagine your family as a sitcom. Even though you may react to that suggestion by saying, "But the things that go on between me and my parents aren't funny; they're tragic," remember that, on paper, the friction on Everybody Loves Raymond, or All in the Family, could have been tragedy, too. The guilt in those shows is thick and unwieldy, as are the insults and humiliations. But the writers work hard to tap into the universality of suffering, which can be funny in a poignant, human way. They tried to find the humor in misplaced pride, in petty self-interests, in love gone awry. That is how I want you to view the friction between you and your parents, at least from time to time. What role would you play? What actors would you cast as your mom and dad? What would your character do differently? What funny lines would you give yourself? Where would the laugh track chime in? 

You might also create a parental humor support group with some friends and swap tales of your parents' silly behavior. Avoid complaining; concentrate on the nutty narratives. Not only will such sessions alleviate an unbelievable amount of stress, but they will show you that you are not alone. They may even show you that some people have parents even crazier than yours. 

Humor can exist in the most painful and difficult of situations. In urging you to find the humor in your situation, I am not suggesting that you mask your darker feelings -- merely that you not be overwhelmed by them. The key is to accept that your parents can be simultaneously annoying (or humiliating or sad or manipulative) and funny. And that you can sometimes be funny or at least light-hearted in your response to them. 

There is a big difference between manufacturing humor (it will always feel phony and hurt more than it helps) and cultivating it if even the faintest whisper of humor lurks in any situation. That is a gift that will last you for many years. As Mark Twain said, "Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand." 

Copyright © 2004 Dale Atkins and Nancy Hass

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"It's Not What We Say, But What We Do" byline: Marianne J. Legato, MD, FACP and Laura Tucker

Despite the vast numbers of sonnets and songs penned in an effort to attract the attention of a beloved, scientists believe that courtship between humans happens predominantly on a nonverbal level. 

Hey, Good-Lookin' 

Physical appearance is, of course, one of the very first things we notice about one another. A male bird's beautiful, brightly colored plumage intrigues prospective mates. The same is true of humans. I recently tried to persuade a good friend that charm and charisma were the things that men eventually and ultimately responded to in a woman. "The first thing we notice," he replied, without missing a beat, "is how she looks. If we don't think she's attractive, we never even get to the charm and charisma." 

A study done in 1990 showed that women favored men with large eyes, prominent cheekbones, a large chin, and a big smile. The researchers who did the study said that these features indicated "sexual maturity and dominance." These characteristics are indicative of high levels of testosterone, which shapes the larger size and sharper contours of the male face. (Estrogen, on the other hand, is responsible for the round softness of women's faces and the extra fat in their cheeks and lips.) On some primal level, women found these very "masculine" facial characteristics attractive. Women were most attracted to men who seemed sociable, approachable, and of high social status. They also gave high marks to expensive or elegant clothing; apparently, it's not just birds who like beautiful plumage. 

Men, on the other hand, look for features that signify good health: regular features, a good complexion, and a good body. (It will perhaps interest you to learn that -- as you dreaded in junior high school -- while large breast size does influence sexual attractiveness, it does not carry a lot of weight in mate selection.) 

Another interesting observation: People choose mates with physical characteristics similar to their own (hence couples really do took alike, as dogs resemble their owners). 

Are we all just fundamental narcissists? I think it's more likely that after a lifetime of looking at ourselves in the mirror, our features and coloring seem "right" to us somehow. Maybe we choose the genetic material closest to our own, in an "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" paradigm. 

Don't Limit Your Options! 

A few months ago, I ran into a friend of mine, out for a walk with a male companion. The first thing that struck me about my friend's date was that he wasn't very handsome or well dressed. But the next things I noticed about him were his lively and intelligent eyes and the laugh lines around them. In the brief chat the three of us had on that street corner, he impressed me with how charming he was and how attentive he was to my friend. I walked away very pleased that she had found someone so appropriate. 

My friend is not a shallow person, but she clearly felt uncomfortable with the social pressure of dating someone who didn't look the way she thought her escort should. She undoubtedly knew, without my saying a word, what I had thought when I first laid eyes on him, and I wish that we were close enough for me to tell her what I thought next. I felt very sad for her when I heard they had broken up, and even sadder when she showed up at a dinner party we were both attending with a stunningly handsome man who treated her as if she were a not-very-intelligent child of 5. 

I'm no soothsayer, but I feel sure that my friend had a much better chance of happiness and laughter with the man she was with when I ran into her that day, even if she had to stoop a little to kiss him. And yet, women like her throw away great relationships all the time (or nip them in the bud before they even begin) because the man is "inappropriate" in some way -- too short, not handsome enough, not well dressed enough, not intellectual or wealthy enough, the wrong race or religion, too young or too old. 

The social pressure isn't limited to women; in fact, it may be worse for men. (There is a play right now on Broadway by Neil LaBute, painfully titled Fat Pig, about a man who, because of social pressure, is incapable of dating an overweight woman with whom he has a terrific connection. Needless to say, it ends badly, as all the classic tragedies do.) 

If there's one thing I know as a doctor, it's that you can't control other people's behavior. But if you take one piece of advice from this book, I hope it's this: Throw away all your old preconceived notions about what Prince Charming is going to look like, how old he will be, what he will wear, or what he's going to talk about at parties; it will make you much more likely to find him.

A Token of My Affection 

Psychologist Linda Mealey, PhD, of the College of Saint Benedict in Minnesota demonstrates how many of the mating behaviors of animals echo our own behavior, particularly in the use of carefully chosen objects to entice the female. 

For example, the bowerbirds of Australia collect brightly colored objects that they display for the female's consideration in a cleared area called a court. Some select only blue decorations; others collect the plumage of a rare bird of paradise. These gifts offer a female the chance to assess how good the male is at accruing resources and how well he will provide. 

In many cases, the quality of these gifts -- which are not really so different from the diamond solitaire that traditionally accompanies a marriage proposal -- can weigh heavily in a female bowerbird's decision about whether or not to mate with a given mate. We don't have to look too far to find parallels in human society as well. Indeed, many women are likely to favor the man with the resources to buy her that house in the country or the status car and jewelry she's always longed for. 

Ask any woman what's most important in a prospective mate and 9 times out of 10 she'll say "a sense of humor." It's my theory that this is another, more modern way of sniffing out his ability to accrue resources. A sense of humor takes intelligence and indicates charm: Surely these are far more useful skills in earning a good living in today's world than big pectoral muscles or a square jaw! 

Copyright © 2005 Marianne J. Legato, MD, FACP and Laura Tucker

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"How Wives with Cheating Husbands Can Gain the Upper Hand" byline: Ruth Houston

Most wives with cheating husbands suffer in silence or tolerate their husband's infidelity. They feel they have no other alternatives, or don't know what else to do.

You don't have to sit back and be a helpless victim or be swept along with tide. There are things you can do to make the best of a bad situation and minimize the damage infidelity can cause.

You can take steps to protect yourself emotionally, sexually, legally and financially. You can work quietly behind the scenes to offset many of the negative consequences that result from infidelity and prepare yourself for what lies ahead.

Take control of the situation. Regardless of whether you ultimately decide to stay with your husband or leave him, the guidelines below will help you gain the upper hand.

Make sure infidelity is the problem you're dealing with.  Problems like drug or alcohol addiction or gambling often masquerade as infidelity because of similar telltale signs. Don't speculate, investigate. 

Face reality.  Ignoring your husband's infidelity will not make it go away. It will only make things worse. He could become so attached to his mistress that it will be impossible to get your marriage back on track.

Speak up and take a stand.  If you know he's cheating and say nothing about it, you're enabling his infidelity. Make it clear that you disapprove of what's going on and tell him you want it to stop. Not addressing his infidelity makes him think he has your silent approval or that you don't know what's going on.

Let him know you know.  Affairs thrive in secrecy. If you've identified numerous telltale signs and have solid proof of your husband's infidelity, decide when and how to tell him you know about his affair. Sometimes just knowing his infidelity has been exposed will be enough to make him stop. 

Build a support team.  You need someone to confide in about your husband's infidelity. Don't try to get through this alone. Surround yourself with people who care about you and have your best interests at heart. 

Realistically evaluate your situation. Consider your options. Is your marriage worth saving? Should you get a temporary separation? File for divorce? What is it in your (and your children's) best interest to do?

Seek counseling for yourself and for your marriage. You have a better chance of saving your marriage if you get professional help. You'll be better equipped to deal with the trauma of infidelity if you seek individual counseling, as well. 

Identify the underlying issues. Try to pinpoint the contributing factors to his infidelity - A life crisis? Major character flaws? Sexual addiction? Dissatisfaction with you or with the marriage? Or something else? Get to the root of the problem, if you can. 

Protect yourself sexually. Your husband's infidelity can have life-threatening consequences for you. If he's cheating, your health is at risk. You're already a victim of infidelity. Don't become a victim of HIV/AIDS too.

Find out your legal rights.  Consult an attorney who specializes in matrimonial law. Get a clear understanding of what you're legally entitled to (alimony, child support, division of marital assets) in the event of a divorce or separation.

Put your financial house in order.  Get a realistic view of your current financial situation and make the necessary adjustments. Establish credit in your own name. Set up a separate checking or savings account. Start putting money aside for a rainy day. 

Make sure you're equipped to earn a living.  Many women remain in adulterous relationships because they're financially dependent on their husbands. If you need to, take college courses or start learning a trade to make yourself employable.

Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally.  Accept the possibility that your marriage may end. Don't be caught off guard. Have an "Infidelity Game Plan" in place in case your husband decides to move out or ask for a divorce. Begin formulating your strategy now.

Break free of the bonds of infidelity.  Focus your energy and efforts on the positive things you can do to make the best of a bad situation. Empower yourself by acting on these suggestions and you'll gain the upper hand.

© 2005 Ruth Houston

Buy NOW! Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs

How Can We Put The Joy Back Into SEX? by Susan Quilliam

It was a great day for me when I was first asked to reinvent the seminal sex book "Joy of Sex". The original - written by Dr Alex Comfort - was a groundbreaking work, coming as it did at the start of the sexual revolution of the 1970s; now I was being asked to revisit the work, update, rewrite and bring it into the twenty-first century.

And indeed, the years of work and the launch of the book have been absolutely rewarding. But it's dawned on me, gradually, that much has changed since the original publication 37 years ago. Sure, in those decades, we've become more liberated, more uninhibited, more able to have sex with who we want, when we want and in the ways we want.

But... but... I kept reading the original, with its energy and enthusiasm for lovemaking, its bright eyed optimism about a world where sex would be wonderful all the time.... And I kept looking around at the world of the Noughties, and realizing that optimism wasn't well-founded.

For many of us don't feel the joy of sex that we want to feel. Perhaps because we're more aware of the dangers - how easily sex can be misused, how easily it can be abused. Perhaps because there is more pressure to have sex, great sex, 24/7. Perhaps because in our lives, in our relationships, the pleasure has died... as my work on the book continued, and my understanding of the issues involved developed, I started to feel, strongly, that we need to reintroduce the joyfulness, the enthusiasm, the optimism, that - naively perhaps - was there, forty years ago, when Joy of Sex was first written.

Let's be sex positive

There are in our society so many warnings against sex - often for good reason. But let's also remember that in its essence, between two loving and responsible adults, sex is a wonderful thing. It builds physical health, improves mental health, boosts self esteem, possibly lowers the risk of some kinds of cancer; it even helps you live longer. 

Let's make sex anxiety free

One of the most practical and straightforward things we can do to have joyful sex is to remove all the anxiety from it. Reliable contraception reliably used, reliable protection reliably used; then we can relax and enjoy what follows. Being well-informed about safe sex, getting - and giving - the support we need to have sex safely. 

Let's make sex central

We live time-poor lives, where we have to work long hours to make ends meet, and then rush from one demanding commitment to another. Let's take time out for ourselves, to make love with a partner. The most recent research suggests that carving out a weekend every few months can reignite our desire for each other. No more excuses; we need to do it.

Let's make sex meaningful

What we now know - where perhaps in the 'sexual revolution' they didn't - is just how powerful sexual contact is. It binds you to a partner, creates a link between you that always remains even if the two of you don't stay together - when you make love, you do just that. Let's take sex seriously, and treat it with respect.

Let's make sex varied

We can fall into the trap of thinking that we know what we like sexually - and what our partners like. But tastes change, and routines normalize. So why not keep checking in with ourselves and with each other whether what 'always works' still does. And why not introduce new options, new moves, new possibilities; the Japanese kept a 'pillow book' of ideas by the bed to inform and inspire, and we can do the same.

Let's make sex fulfilling

It can be - particularly for her - that climax gets put to one side. Over time, perhaps it becomes acceptable that she doesn't orgasm every single time. The ideal is that both of us should do so most times we make love - if that's not happening, no wonder the joy is seeping away. Learn how to make that happen...

Let's troubleshoot if we need to

Sexual problems of some sort hit most couples - it's no shame if you are struggling. Age is no bar to good sex (recent research suggests sex gets better with the years) but can create physical or emotional blocks. So let's not be ashamed to go to a health practitioner if desire, or performance drops away. We have a right to lifelong sexual pleasure.

As for me, I've been commissioned to write more books in the Joy of Sex series, and to lecture on sex-positive programs in education and health contexts. In short, I feel that as my writing of Joy of Sex has come to an end, my campaign to reintroduce the joy to people's sex lives has only just begun. 

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"Five Solutions for Surviving the Empty Nest Syndrome" byline: Dr. Kathleen Hall

Did you know that empty nest syndrome occurs most often in October, well after children have left for college? When the children leave home, parents may feel sadness, loneliness, emptiness, guilt, and uselessness. 

Does this situation sound familiar? Waving goodbye to your last child, you begin the long drive home. The reality of your empty nest sets in during the next few weeks. Your decades-old primary role of "mom" or "dad" has been instantly eliminated, creating the most disturbing identity theft of your life. Your life has essentially revolved around your children's busy lives. Now the busy years are over. You have invested so much time with your children that when your last child leaves the nest, you don't know how to deal with a household of two. You look at your partner and wonder who he or she is. At home you mechanically open the refrigerator to prepare dinner and find that it's nearly empty. The years of shopping for the special treats each child enjoyed are over. Now the refrigerator is bare and in your confusion, you don't know what to buy at the grocery store either.

How can you put your life back together and learn to cope with the stress of empty nest syndrome? Ignoring the problem is not the answer. Check out these solutions designed to get you back on track toward the next chapter of your life.

Solution #1 Be proactive not reactive. 
Prepare for the feelings before they come. Learn to experience a sense of power and control in your own life. By facing the situation straight on without compromising your feelings, you choose not to avoid the pain, the confusion, and change, but to deal with it in a healthy way. This is a time of adventure, discovery and creativity.

Solution #2 Use loneliness as an opportunity to develop your Self. 
Now that the children are gone, there are only two of you in the house. But don't be alarmed! This is how you began this family all those years ago. Make a date with your husband once a week that takes place outside of the house. Play music in the background each day, be creative with your talents and abilities, and find a reason to laugh each day. It only takes five minutes of laughter to improve blood-vessel function! 

Studies also show that pet ownership lowers blood pressure and cholesterol, not to mention your health insurance rates! Sharing your new empty nest with a four-footed friend can also ward off depression. Enroll in that cooking class or pottery seminar you always wanted to take. Read the books you have been putting off for years. Enrich your mind by attending a classical music concert or a lecture. What about a career change or volunteer work? You will meet new people that will change your life. 

There are countless ways you can develop your Self when your kids leave the nest. Make sure you have a group of friends to support you in this transformation of your life. 

Solution #3 Choose crisis or rebirth. 
The empty nest period can become a crisis or a glorious time of rebirth. Honest self-evaluation and assessment is the first step on that path toward rebirth. Conduct a simple inventory of your life: mental, physical and spiritual.
· Get a journal and start writing. Answer these questions: What is the state of my mental health? Do I live with anxiety, depression, anger, fear, or shame? Can I improve my mental health by reading, joining a group or seeing a counselor? Get a therapist and enjoy the personal growth. 
· Take off your clothes and stand naked before the mirror. What do you see? How do you feel? Do you need to begin a different exercise program or learn more about nutrition? Try something new like Pilates, Tai Chi, or Yoga. Are there medical tests you have been putting off? Are you taking a multi-vitamin, drinking green tea and avoiding unhealthy foods? 
· Ask yourself about your spiritual life. Are you regularly experiencing a deep connection with your Source? If not, why not? Have you outgrown your religion or church? Should you learn about other theologies? Are there spiritual practices that you do each day to stay connected?

Solution #4 Create a new marriage for your new life. 
Many marriages are frail or fractured at empty nest. During the empty nest phase, the divorce rate rises 16 percent for married parents. The empty nest, however, can be an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to create a true "love nest." 

Plan a vacation to someplace you have always wanted to go together. Learn what each of you like and dislike-movies, food, programs, vacation spots, sports, spirituality and religion. Review the home chores, list them all, and make a fresh decision about who will do what in this new marriage. My husband now does the laundry, vacuuming, dishes and has begun cooking! Get to know each other all over again.

With no children in the house, you can play again. Shower together, watch movies on the couch in sexy clothes, wear even less around the house and see what happens. Sex can become the best ever during the empty nest. Have sex in more than just the bedroom! 

Solution #5 Live Your Intentional Authentic Life.
The empty nest is an opportunity for you to spend the rest of your days living your intentional authentic life. Your other roles in life have taken a back seat to "your life." Begin an exciting plan for the rest of your life. How long do you both want to work? Where do you want to reside in retirement? Where do you want to travel? What will your financial needs be for both of you? Discover how you can create the rest of your life organized around the purpose you were born-"your authentic life."

Our family of origin is an incredible gift. Families can be the most fertile place for spiritual development, the catalyst for our growth potential. When your children leave the nest, this spiritual process does not have to end. Rather it can serve to create the happiest and richest time of your life. This is your life, and you can choose to plan a new life beyond your wildest dreams. Live intentionally.

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"FENG SHUI FOR LOVE: 9 Decorating Mistakes That Could Be Preventing Cupid From Coming To Your Home" byline: Laura Forbes Carlin and Alison Forbes Sow

Wondering when Cupid is going to find his way to you?  Assess your situation and figure out what is detouring Cupid from visiting your home. Maybe your home is too cluttered with mementos of past loves and he can’t get in. Or perhaps you're sending him the wrong message by decorating for one! But by simply pulling out your iPhone and making some quick adjustments, you can have an enormous impact on whether or not Cupid strikes on that special date.

Feng Shui, an ancient Chinese approach to arranging our surroundings, shows us how our homes influence and shape all aspects of our life. In Feng Shui, there are nine areas of your life, including your love life, that are represented energetically in your home. Depending on what furniture and accessories you have in each spot, you could be helping or hurting the corresponding part of your life. So if your love area is where the bathroom is, it’s no wonder your relationships keep going down the drain!

Ex-Files: Avoid filling your home with pictures, letters, and belongings from an ex. Letting go of photographs, letters, and mementos from past relationships can present a challenge. Sometimes spending time with intimate memories from your past can be a healing and empowering experience. However, if looking at these photographs and letters is not helping, or if they are keeping you tied to someone who is no longer in your life, then it’s time to let them go. Instead, surround yourself with things that reinforce who you are now and where you're headed.

Home For One: Many singles often have a bedroom set up for one person (i.e., one bedside table, one reading lamp, one pillow) or the long side of the bed is pushed up against a wall so only one person can enter the bed comfortably. While it is important to accept and embrace where you are now, it is also necessary to make some space for a partner. Create a room for two people — both symbolically and physically make space for your future partner. Set up your bedroom for two by adding the extra bedside table and lamp. Check the other rooms in your home as well. Is there a comfortable place for two to hang out?

Immature Decorating: Rooms that look they are designed for girls and boys rather than men and women are a real turn-off. If you are a man, avoid the “college frat room look” or the “bachelor pad” (i.e. mattress on the floor, futons, shot glass collections, high school trophies, dirty dishes in the sink, clutter everywhere, etc.) If you are a woman, avoid a room or apartment that resembles your childhood room (i.e. doll collections, stuffed animals on the bed, too much lace or pink, sorority signs, baskets of dried flowers, furniture that looks like it is meant for teenagers not adults).

Solitary Items or Groupings of Three: Create a home that re-enforces the idea of togetherness and a couple by pairing objects in your home together. Lots of lone objects can represent loneliness and groups of three may represent one too many people involved in your relationship.

Excessive Pictures: An abundance of photos showing friends, family, and other people’s children, as well as too many pictures from one particular time in the past (such as college), can divert focus away from your own life and the present moment. Create space for new people in your life and a new “best time of your life” by creating room for new photos.

Unfinished or Temporary-looking Homes: Many people hold off on decorating or buying a home until they're married or living with someone. They don’t buy expensive or nice things because they want to wait until they have a “real” home (which, of course, is frequently associated with getting married, registering for gifts, and buying a house). By surrounding yourself with things you don’t love, are not in good condition, or that you feel are second-rate, you’re subconsciously telling yourself that you don’t deserve better. It’s important to invest in yourself now and embrace the present moment. By doing so you are sending a message to the universe, as well as yourself, that you are worthy. You are also accepting where you are now, which often leads to change.

A Television in the Bedroom: Ideally, the bedroom should serve only two purposes: rest and romance. Yet, because of laptops, televisions, and phones, bedrooms are often more like media rooms than sensual and peaceful retreats. Don’t let a television replace a partner in your life.

By implementing Feng Shui and enhancing these areas in your home, the corresponding area in your life will be enhanced as well. “A lot of people don’t believe it until they try it for themselves,” said Alison Forbes, one of the co-authors of the app. “Once you see your home through the eyes of Feng Shui, it changes everything, and it works! A few of our clients have even toasted Feng Shui at their weddings!”

While Feng Shui in the past has meant hiring a consultant or doing a lot of in-depth reading, using Feng Shui For Love is as simple as moving your iPhone around a space — it shows you, live, which areas of the room are which – and the rest of the app gives you the perfect enhancements to make Cupid want to take up permanent residence in your home.

"Female Friendly Erotica" byline: Nancy Madore

In these times of sexual openness and honesty, more and more women are revealing that they are not satisfied sexually. This dissatisfaction has opened up a whole new industry for treating what we now call sexual dysfunction. Women in huge numbers are coming forward with a wide range of sexual problems, and there are all kinds of statistics being gathered in relation to what this means. I read somewhere that possibly as many as 70% of women suffer with some kind of sexual dysfunction. Not surprisingly, to me at least, was the discovery that these dysfunctions manifest themselves most often in the form of lack of desire.

This new wave of sexual dysfunction awareness is particularly satisfying for me. I have always wondered over the supposed indifference women appear to have towards the media's presentation of sex and sexual material. To my mind, sex in the media more often than not appeals to men while ignoring women almost entirely. It seems to take the position that sex is for guys, and women are only involved to please them. The most offensive thing about this, for me, is women's silence about it.

Officially, no definitive connection has been made between women's sexual dysfunction and our culture's presentation of sexual material. But this lack of corroboration doesn't dissuade me from my opinion that the most common sexual dysfunction complained about by women, lack of desire, is most certainly linked to the way sex that is presented in our media. It is a natural deduction once you put together the facts we do know. We know, for example, that women and men are sexually stimulated by different things. And it also generally agreed that women need to feel sexy in order to enjoy sex. With just these two factors in mind, how is it possible that a woman wouldn't be turned off by images and ideas that either alienate her or put her down? 

Years ago, when I first noticed the negative effects this kind of media was having on me personally, I started filtering what I exposed myself to. I can truly say, for example, that I haven't looked inside a beauty magazine in over twenty years. I am also choosy about what I will spend my leisure time watching on television. Nearly all advertisements are totally off limits, and I've noticed that companies selling women's products are the most abusive. Without these negative influences, my own 'dysfunctions' have long since disappeared.

The irony here is that men are actually far less discerning than women in regards to sexual material. They are just as likely to find one sexual stimulant as effective as another. What's more, their sexuality tends to be more readily active even without the overabundance of stimuli and, finally, there is no potential harm to their libidos when the stimulant is directed toward the women (quite the opposite, in fact). So in appealing to women, the media has a wonderful opportunity to double their audience and entertain both genders at once. HBO's Sex in the City was a great example of this. Most of the men I know liked this show as much as women did. For advertisers, this kind of thinking could bring about a tremendous boost in sales. For some reason, they are hung up on the idea that women will buy more products if they are made to feel like they are not good enough without the products. I think their wrong about this. But it is really up to women as individuals to make a statement to the industry through their buying. If the advertisements for a product make you feel bad about yourself, why would you buy it?

Part of the problem is one of habit, but the other part is of ignorance and laziness. Most advertisers and writers appeal to men because it is simpler. They don't know how to appeal to women. Women are undeniably more difficult to excite sexually than men are. It takes more finesse and sensitivity. One of the biggest differences between men and women, for example, is that men seem to prefer visual stimulation, while visual stimulation can actually act as a deterrent to women, especially when it is presented in a way that intimidates them. It is intimidating and off putting for women to be faced with images that are unrealistic and unnatural, especially when those images are presented as superior. It threatens their sexuality to be faced with the concept that they are not, and could never be, truly sexy. One of the more obvious examples of this is the Victoria's Secret commercial that asks, "What is sexy?" and proceeds to present images of unnaturally thin women whose bodies have been surgically augmented so that they have curves in the "right" places. I would like to mention to whoever wrote that commercial that I personally know women who have suffered with years of depression and isolation and yes, sexual abstinence, because their bulimia did not make them feel sexy. I also know it was not considered sexy by their boyfriends and husbands. I could also tell you about women who suffered terrible repercussions and health issues from implant surgeries gone bad. These things are not sexy in the least, and frankly, I find it a bit arrogant of this company to suggest that they are an authority on what is sexy. From their commercials I am confident that there is nothing they could offer me in the way of lacy undergarments that could repair their thoughtless damage to my self image were I to actually believe their advertisements of what sexy is. Needless to say, I don't shop there. But unfortunately, scores of women do flock to their stores to try and capture this illusive "sexy" that they, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, actually have had in their possession all along. The products sold at Victoria's Secret could bring out and enhance a woman's natural sex appeal, but it cannot produce it. Instead of browbeating women into thinking something is missing without their products, Victoria's Secret might sell even more products if they were to encourage women to simply enhance that unique part of themselves and have a little fun with it. I know that I would be more interested in seeing what they have to sell if they presented it that way to me.

The media overall is obsessed with presenting sex as if they were re-inventing the wheel. They want to project an image or idea that is better than anything real life has to offer. This translates to many women as there being a deficiency within themselves. I will agree that women are far too influenced by the media, but I can't for the life of me understand why women are buying products from companies who do this. Still, I strongly believe that these companies would sell even more products if they took a different approach.

In my first book, Enchanted; Erotic Bedtime Stories for Women, I conducted an experiment on this by intentionally leaving out all visual images of my female characters. I did this for several reasons. First and foremost, I wanted to focus on erotic behaviors and sexual fantasies-and not on appearances, especially stereotypes. Besides this, I wanted my readers, who I anticipated would be women, to be able to imagine themselves in the staring role. I wasn't certain that it could be done. Almost every type of sensual material I have found, from porn to romance novels feature, as their central focal point, a heroine that is, more times than not, over the top in physical perfection and/or performance. This has always acted as a distraction to me, so I thought perhaps it might be the same for others. And as it turns out, most women who have read my book did not even seem to notice that the images were missing. Even more surprisingly, men who read the book have told me that they did not miss the visual images either, and that they found the stories exciting without them. I found this remarkable.

The most obvious characteristic of erotica that is designed for women is that the subject matter appeals to and interests them. That is why in Enchanted; Erotic Bedtime Stories for Women, each fairy tale is re-written around a popular women's fantasy. In my next book, The Twelve Dancing Princesses, each princess overcomes a common sexual dysfunction. And yet, as straight forward as writing for women may sound, it presents a challenge. Sexual fantasies and dysfunctions alike can be extremely complex and contradictory. I found, for example, that many women take on a submissive role in their fantasies. This can become a paradox, though, even for the women who is fantasizing this way. After the fantasy, she can suffer with feelings of guilt and shame over the things it gave her pleasure to fantasize about moments before. Quite naturally then, there is bound to be censure when someone else entirely puts those fantasies down on paper. It has become more accepted since Nancy Friday's books, but even so, there will always be offense taken when a woman is portrayed in any way as being subjugated. Interestingly, my research revealed that dominance, when dispensed in an effort to please, is one of the most liberating experiences a woman (or man) can be subjected to. The submissive is generally the coveted role. But even more to the point, how can women be empowered sexually if they truly can't 'let go' in the bedroom? This is just one example of how it takes a thoughtful, careful hand to write to women, and even then there will be some women who are offended. My worst critics were feminists, and I found it perplexing that women would be so critical of a genuine, thoughtful effort on their behalf, while completely cowering under the open disregard for them in other aspects of the media. I suppose the effort in itself opens one up to critique. The idea is that women can help the evolution of a true sexual revolution for them by showing support for efforts to achieve it. 

Writing female friendly erotica is most certainly a challenge, but it could be very rewarding for writers and advertisers alike to tap into this market. Now especially, as more and more is learned about sexual dysfunction in women, it becomes apparent that there is actually a need for erotica for women. Doctors are already saying that erotica can be a wonderful tool to help get women in the mood. 

In closing I would like to say that I personally think that calling lack of desire a 'sexual dysfunction' is, in and of itself, a lack of understanding of women. Once again, we are being compared to men. Women are not machines, and the combination of forces working against women's sexual health, along with the everyday stresses of life, make it really more normal for women to not be in the mood than otherwise. It should be expected that women would need to relax and encourage the mood to achieve it, thereby taking charge of their sexual life and any 'problems' therein. 
 

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Daring or Desperate? Why Women Cheat by Frances Cohen Praver, PhD

Women's choice to cheat is both daring and desperate. A desperate plea for help and a daring catalyst for change in their marriage or their own selves, the affair is serious stuff. Not just fun. Let's take a peak at a few wives with whom I have worked 

Not that she doesn't have a handsome, successful husband. Not that she doesn't have two adorable children. Not that she doesn't have a beautiful home with two acres of land. Debra, a stay-at- home mom, seems to have it all. But does she? Actually home sweet home is not so sweet. Humdrum days - food shopping, cooking, cleaning and carting her kids around - go on and on. She feels trapped, bored, powerless, and lonely. To top it off Debra's husband doesn't get it. He's too busy trying to get ahead to get into her. Along comes an attentive, sexy admirer and bingo!

A devoted loving mother and wife, Sarah has also carved out a successful career. In a perfect world, she would have the best of both worlds - work and motherhood. In our less than perfect world, she does not. She lets me know "I'm stressed out and ready to explode." Her guilt about leaving her children propels her into overdrive at home. To top it off, our effective firecracker at work can't get a charge out of her husband. He does not help nor does he understand her desires or needs. At work, Larry does.

Scrappy, sexy generation X, Mary is determined not to follow in her mother's footsteps. Her martyr mom settled for a secure, dependent, and devoted dull husband, but Mary won't. Mary desires committed love in marriage, security, children and comfort, all that good stuff. A little like her mom? Not exactly. Mary desires more from her marriage. Along with love, she longs for lust, romance, excitement, and passionate hot sex in her marriage. Sociopolitical history, pop culture, and family history entwine and strangle her strivings. Unshackling from her corseted past, Mary breathes freely. Air borne of desire carries the wings of surprise. To her surprise, she sees clearly that her husband is not doing it for her. So what's a restless young wife to do? She finds a sensitive, sexy lover who promises all. 

As you can see from the above vignettes women have affairs primarily because they're not getting their needs and desires met in their marriages. Try as they may, wives are often unable to reach their husbands. 

Rather than remaining stuck in dead or frictional marriages and existing in quiet desperation, discord and anguish, these daring wives choose to live more fully. Despite temporary pain, the affair is often a far better option than a life not lived. An awaking, an urgent cry for change, the affair has multiple meanings. Above all, it's a desperate move towards a fuller richer life with love.

Feeling stifled, unfulfilled, frustrated, and helpless in their marriages, they step outside of their marriages. Taking the step is in itself empowering. The affair is a daring active choice, not a more-of- the-same passive response. It screams out loudly "Enough! Something's got to give, either the marriage or me." That's only the first step to autonomy and power. It takes a daring wife to have an affair but an even more daring wife to go into therapy to repair her self and/or the marriage. 

What about the children? People often stay in unsatisfactory marriages for the sake of the children. That's a fallacy. Parents in miserable marriages only make for miserable children. The legacies for these children are blighted models of marital relationships, and unfulfilled, powerless mothers. The affair, while not necessarily the most prudent choice, is nevertheless an act of empowerment. Instead of a weak, dependent or embittered mother, the children now have a stronger, more independent, and fulfilled female role model. 

A common myth is that the affair is about sex. It is not. For the most part, sex was better at home before romance eroded. Screaming fights or silent simmering hostility erodes romance and distinguishes the flames of passion. Chances are that problems in your sex life are not about the quality, but the quantity. Fighting to the death or suffering in silence kills sexual desire for most wives. And there's less and less sex in the marriage. 

If insufficient sex is the result of unsatisfactory marriages and affairs the result of unhappy marriages, what are the causes? What do wives want? It isn't only that they desire emotional engagement. It isn't only that they desire sexual passion. It isn't only that they desire safety and protection along with autonomy and independence. I have found that wives want mutuality, equal power relationships, and recognition from their husbands. Devotion, love, and commitment without passionate sex, fun, and excitement is the steak without the sizzle. For wives to feel sexy they need the sizzle. 

While the affair may be a last resort, engaging in therapy can be the beginning of a fresh new start. Coming to terms with our demons may be difficult, but we can do it. As women we've suffered and overcome the pains of childbirth, oppression, and the double standard. Over the years we've suffered and only grown stronger.

Our childhoods and marriages in the foreground are inextricably bound with socio politics, pop culture, and feminism in the background. Examining the strands of our interior and exterior forces can be daunting. Above all it can be a fascinating life enhancing experience. 

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"Boomers & Dating" byline: Terri Sloane

This is a great time to be single. It's now your turn to choose the kind of companion who would be right for you. The choice is YOURS. Although chemistry is still a very important component in a relationship, it is not everything. Our inner being needs to be nourished through compassion, kindness, laughter, and sharing things in common. It's a time when we can make a CONSCIOUS CHOICE as to the kind of person we want to share our time with.

The best way to attract the kind of person you are seeking is to engage in activities that attract that kind of person. For example, if you want an exciting active man, be an exciting active woman. Go where the men would go. One of my clients wanted to meet a man who owned his own plane. She enjoyed the excitement of flying, so I suggested she take flying lessons. It turned out that a very attractive man who owned his own plane had to take continuing hours for his pilot license. They met at the airport and the rest is history. She has a newfound passion, "flying" as well as the kind of man she was seeking.

I'm not suggesting that you take flying lessons, however, I do know if you enjoy what your doing, and think outside of the box, a world of new opportunities awaits you. Who knows??? Maybe you should go on the safari you were talking about this past summer. Even if you don't meet "Mr. Right" you'll meet exciting new interesting people and have some very wonderful stories to share. Who knows??? Maybe the man that you want is looking for an exciting woman. Something to think about, isn't it?????©