From the Ashes of Europe to the Wedding Aisles of New York City

Guest blog by Michelle Roth

I was born in Sydney Australia in the late 1950's. My parents are Holocaust survivors; I was immersed in the creativity of my own parent's bridal business "Henri Josef" from a young age. As young as I can remember. I always felt I was born to do something great in my life, as my parents had been denied so much.

My parents wanted to afford me all the things that were stolen from them as children. Their efforts concentrated on survival, whilst cheating the death camps of Europe. College education would be my privilege of liberty. And so an education was a top priority. As was, dancing lessons, singing lessons, guitar class, gymnastics and opera singing lessons. I was "deep fried" with stimulus.

As a child, dinner conversations centered on lace, silk satin, tulle and embroidery. I thought that was what all kids did at dinner. Talk about design and business! My school vacations were spent at my parent's atelier, consumed in patterns, fabric, sketching and draping. International buying trips landed me at the fashion centers of the world including Paris, Rome, London, Milan and New York. Design was a lifestyle. Fashion experience and training lifelong.

In 1972, I completed high school. I was accepted to study at The University of Sydney, one of Australia's finest houses of learning. I do not think it was ever a question that I would not go to University. In 1978 I graduated with honors in political science.

In 1979, I decided that I wanted to join my parent's business. It was so second nature to me. I formally entered "Henri Josef" as junior designer alongside my mother, Aneta Weinreich. Four years later in 1984, whilst on a buying trip in New York City, I was offered a position at the Australian Consulate. I leapt at the opportunity, hungry to absorb and grow, joining an international milieu. It was something my parents not only supported, they
encouraged it.

This was not your typical' Chicken soup and clutching" Jewish parents. They wanted all of us (I have a Sister Lilian and Brother Henry who both now live in New York) to achieve greatness.

After 5 years of diplomatic service in New York City, two things were clear:  
I feel in love with The City and I decided to return to my first love, design.

I knew that I could source from generations of knowledge and experience that span three generations. In the 1900's Malka Sofa Schreiber, my paternal great grandmother from whom I am named, ran a bridal charity organization in Poland. My maternal grandfather Samuel Baral built a thriving upscale furrier import/export business in Krakow, Poland during the 1920's. My maternal grandmother, Franka Baral, ran her own major textile company in Australia after the war.

In 1992, I opened for business from my own small apartment. Dresses took most of the available space. I sold my parents collection, importing them directly from Australia. Then, in 1993, I moved to a small downtown space in the Bridal Building. I named my business," Michelle of Australia". I remember my first day of business was in the middle of a blizzard. My small show room was buzzing! I was surprised and overwhelmed by the response. The
sensitivity to color and the revolutionary use of silk satin won me attention. My pedantic attention to detail, and highly personalized service won me business.

In 1996 catapulted by the momentum of success of my studio I opened my European style multilevel loft salon on 57th street. I felt as If had come home. Featuring my own custom work, The Salon was called Michelle Bridal. Later to be renamed Michelle Roth, after I was married.

In 1997 my brother Henry joined me to help spearhead operations.

I have been gifted with a drive that comes deep within. Partly fueled by the fear of failure and partly by the pride I have for my cultural heritage and the dedication my parents have given me.

My mother Aneta repeats a phrase that rings often in my ears" whatever the mind can perceive can be achieved".

My father Joseph has the disposition of an angel. He is often quoted as saying' If I could live through the war, then every day after that can only be fantastic"

With that in mind I have been privileged to be featured on many coveted and respected national shows across the country and around the world including Martha Stewart Living, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Entertainment Tonight, The View and receive editorial features in Vogue, In Style, Town and Country, Elle and Glamour to mention a few.

The year 2000 was when I decided to launch my collection nationally. The response has been phenomenal. My evening collection is planned for a spring 2003 launch, with expansion into Europe and Japan, by the fall of 2003.

Product extensions in beauty, book launching and a ready to wear collection are in the works.

I believe whatever you do in life, do it with passion and conviction. We are all-unique and bring to this world one precious gift. The gift of individuality and self.

Fear in Kandahar

Guest blog by Masha Hamilton
Author of The Distance Between Us
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan – The engineer from Florida seemed the perfect seatmate on that eight-seater Cessna flight from Kabul to Kandahar over the rugged reaches of Afghanistan. It was my first visit, and he’d already been living six months in the former Taliban stronghold, overseeing the construction of highways and schools as part of the effort to rebuild the war-shattered country that America bombed in response to Sept. 11.

“What sights should I see?” I asked as we flew over the Kfar Jar Ghar mountain range. I’d heard of the shrine to the Cloak of the Prophet Mohammed and of Chihil Zina, the forty steps up a hill that lead to a 16th Century memorial.

Tom laughed at my question. “I don’t go anywhere in Kandahar,” he said. “I haven’t seen anything. Guards pick me up at the airport and drive me to my compound. When I need to visit a construction site, they drive me to a helicopter and I fly there wearing a bullet-proof vest.” He leaned toward me and spoke just loudly enough to be heard over the hum of the engines. “The best choice you could make is to follow my example.”

Fear. It has become our closest companion in Afghanistan, even when we are there to “do good.” Doctors Without Borders recently decided to pull out of the country after two dozen years of providing humanitarian assistance there. The United Nations’ relief agency is scaling back its operations around Kandahar, and other relief agencies are considering following suit. 

U.S. Embassy officials warn against venturing beyond the capital and the bulk of the relief workers, private and public, generally adhere to this advice. There is, in fact, what Afghan-born author Tamim Ansary calls a “shadow nation” on the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan, peopled by those who actively oppose foreign involvement in their country.

Yet it is a mistake to allow suspicion to dominate our actions there. Human interaction, not simply a military or economic presence, is a critical component if our policies in Afghanistan are to be successful. When the only Americans visible in Kandahar, the country’s second largest city and its spiritual center, are armed soldiers glimpsed inside passing tanks, we create a barrier that breeds mutual distrust and will make forming lasting ties virtually impossible. And in the years to come, we are without doubt going to need every friend in the region we can claim. 

The politics of fear have been a favored tool of the Bush administration but they nearly always backfire. Under that influence, we begin to view everyone as “the Other,” alien, incomprehensible creatures of ill intent. And in response – here’s the rub – we are soon viewed in much the same way, as conquerors out to shame and rob this impoverished country instead of help it rebuild. Without human connection, these perceptions remain even when the U.S. government and private agencies are pumping in dollars.

Abdullah, who goes by only his first name, is an engineer and a devout Moslem in his 40s from a prominent Afghan family. He lived in Kandahar during the Taliban years, when the ignorance and cruelty of the country’s leaders practically paralyzed him. He hated rules that required him to pray at the mosque instead of at home, that regulated the length of his beard, that barred him from listening to music in his house or humming on the street. He hated the undercurrent of dread and violence, the seemingly random beatings and shootings.

“I was so glad to see the Americans – at first,” Abdullah told me one night over a late dinner eaten on the floor at a Kandahar guesthouse, moonlight shining in through the large windows, the dust finally settling for the day. “But now they don’t talk to us; they just drive around in armored cars and watch us suspiciously. So now, I’m suspicious of them.”

Afghan tradition says a guest must never be asked to leave. But when a host wants to signal that a visitor has outstayed his welcome, the joke is that he should serve lentils for every meal. “The time has come,” Abdullah said, “to serve lentils to the Americans.”

The truth is, though, that foreign armed presence is necessary for the moment to help maintain the fragile stability. And it could be argued that fear is understandable: after all, over 30 aide workers have been killed in the last 18 months, and more than 130 U.S. soldiers have died since Operation Enduring Freedom was launched. So what is the answer?

The vast majority of Afghans, and Iraqis for that matter, are not terrorists, just as most of us are not sadistic torturers. We know this. So instead of pulling out, foreigners who are contributing to rebuilding the country – particularly by funding small start-up businesses – need to get to Kandahar, Jalalabad, Herat and other towns and villages. The answer, in other words, lies in more and closer involvement, not less.

“The U.S. is building bastions so Americans can fly in and out safely, but they might be more effective in their war against terrorism if they would instead help Afghanistan become normal,” says Ansary. “If you talk with Afghans on a one-to-one basis, you find that everyone has a scheme. Funding those ideas would make a difference, and that requires direct contact between Americans and Afghans.”

I did not follow Tom’s advice. I visited private homes, met the city's Taliban-era chief justice, shopped in the local bazaar and posed for a snapshot with a group of grinning, armed Afghans. I encountered curiosity and courtesy. Once, in a village outside Kandahar, a bearded man watched me with suspicion. But when his brother invited me into their home, he followed, removed his turban, and soon was asking questions and telling me stories along with the rest of his family. Turns out he had a great sense of humor.

President Bush often calls Afghanistan an “ally in the war on terror” and describes American policy there as successful. But if we can’t find a way to make authentic human connections where they are needed most, in the southeastern heart of Afghanistan sandwiched between Iran and Pakistan, our alliances can be neither genuine nor lasting.  

A New Conversation About Dreams...Who's Directing Your Life?

Guest blog by Marcia Wieder

While aspects of you encourage, “Go for your dreams,” simultaneously other parts threaten, “Don’t you dare.” A cast of characters lives inside of you and at different times you may receive conflicting or contradictory messages. If you are want to be happy, successful, and fulfilled, consider putting your “dreamer” in the director’s chair.

What are the voices inside of you saying? As you turn the volume up on the voice of your dreamer and down on the voice of your doubter, you can practice discernment allowing for greater clarity. To assist you in hearing these voices, let’s set up a simple scenario. Picture something you want, something that matters to you. Choose a personal or professional dream and consider how these various parts of you might respond.

Dreamer – The dreamer inside says, “What if…” and is open to a creative process without over-analyzing it. This is the part of you that imagines, believes in possibilities, has hope, and seeks kindred spirits. Dreamers talk about their ideas with intention, clarity, and passion. Great dreamers get others excited about their vision. And most importantly, successful dreamers take action to make their dreams a reality.

Doubter – This voice is often heard saying such things as, “I don’t think this is a good idea.” The doubter provides concern touting, “But what if…” and imagines the worst. If you crank the volume up it can even become annihilating with accusations shouting things like, “Are you out of your mind?” William Shakespeare said, “Our doubts are traitors.” Carlos Castaneda said, “In order to experience the magic of life, you must banish the doubt.” My favorite quote on this subject is in The Prophet where Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Doubt is a feeling too lonely to know that Faith is its twin brother.”

Realist – “Be realistic…” Modulate the doubter down a notch or two and it becomes the essential voice of the realist. This part wants to know, “What’s the plan?” including where is the time and money coming from. However, in the early phase of dreaming, you may not know. The challenge is not to allow the realist to immediately turn into a doubter who might judge or obliterate your idea. Honor this voice by (to the best of your ability) giving it the information it needs. If you ignore or reject it, it will cleverly agitate or distract you. Being realistic offers prudence and makes you do your homework but if you are overly realistic or go to strategy too soon, you will most likely compromise the dream and kill your passion.

Visionary – This voice says, “Anything is possible so let’s dream big!” These are the leaders and people we look up to and admire. They have learned the process of realizing their dreams and embody what it means to be a big dreamer. Setbacks or failures do not stop them. Simply put, a visionary has a vision and invites others to join them. They are found in all walks of life and we are often so inspired when they are in the presence of a true visionary that we sign up just to be near them or part of what they’re doing. 

A visionary is not defined by the size of the dream since dreams are precious and come in all sizes, shapes and areas of life. If you were living your dream life, how would it be different? What do you see yourself doing? How many lives would you touch? What would you change? Who would you help if you were truly living as a visionary?

Avoid Sabotaging Your Dream

When these different voices merge they can become muddled and result in confusion and poor decisions. For example, you might poison your dream by projecting doubt into it. Then with each step you take toward what you want, you also move toward your doubt. Doubt and fear, which most of us may have at some time or another (especially when embarking on a new or big dream) do not belong in your dream. These feelings are simply part of your reality. This is a subtle and essential point.

Here’s a simple technique for avoiding this sabotaging pattern. On a piece of paper draw a line across the middle. On the top half write out your dream with as much detail as possible. On the bottom write out your reality in relationship to your dream, where you are now. Reality usually includes good news and (so called) bad, as well as any fear or doubt you may have. Just state the facts and your feelings about them. 

Now, which one are you more committed to; your dream or your reality? We tend to choose “reality” when we don’t have a clearly defined dream or when we saturate our dream with doubt. If your dream is loaded with your worst imagined nightmares, reality will always seem safer and saner. But doubt placed appropriately as part of your reality, allows two things to happen. First, no longer blown out of proportion, it’s an obstacle that basically requires a strategy to manage it. But more importantly, with doubt where it rightfully belongs, you are free to move forward.

It’s like a play. All the characters have wisdom and insight, but you can’t clearly understand them when they’re speaking at once. Take time to tune in, to listen, and on a regular basis, have the courage to give your dreamer its directorial debut or even the leading role.
 

A Personal Journey of Grief, Recovery and Remembrance

Guest blog is a personal message from author Marion Gold
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Mothers and daughters. We may argue and disagree about many things - yet we are forever bonded in a way that cannot be shared between fathers and daughters, or siblings, or friends. 

When a parent dies, well-meaning friends, colleagues, and loved ones provide their sympathy and other words of comfort. Most often the love and kindness they bestow is appreciated and helpful. But grief is a path we must travel alone as we embark on a journey towards comfort and renewed strength. How we travel that path is highly personal. It may include sharing our feelings with others, crying inside or outwardly, reaching towards religion. There are as many ways to grieve and heal, as there are personalities among us.

When my mother, Ray Katz Gold, passed away last year, my journey took me down a path that was surprising, comforting and enlightening in ways I could never have imagined. I had lost both parents in just two years, my dad to progressive supranuclear palsy after years of bravely fighting this rare and untreatable illness. I was utterly devoted to my dad. He was my hero - a hard-working person who stood tall, spoke with a clear and confident voice - and provided a role model of entreprenuerism and self-sufficiency. I was daddy's little girl - regardless of my chronological age. 

So growing up, and as I reached adulthood, I thought my strength and tenacity came only from my father. But I learned after Dad became so ill, that much of my strength and purpose also came from Mom. I learned that despite their separate "family roles," they were a team, a strong team - and I was the result of that teamwork. 

During my father's dreadful illness, my mother was constantly at his side, tending to his every need. She never failed to rise to the occasion during many crises. After dad passed away, my mother and I grew much closer, spending hours and hours burning up the phone lines between Fair Lawn and Chicago. I began to know her in ways I never imagined - to understand the depth of her knowledge of life, her varied interests, and her spiritual strength. 

Most people knew my mother as the wife of Larry Gold, or as a daughter - the youngest and only daughter in a family of six children. They knew her as the mother of three children, and later as a grandmother to my sister's two sons. Mom loved her traditional family roles, but there was so much more to Ray Gold that she yearned to express. During our long nightly talks, I learned that it bothered Mom how most people didn't realize that beneath the caretaker and cook, mother and daughter, wife and sister - she was an intelligent woman who kept up to date on current events that included local and national politics - and feminist issues of the day. 

My mother was also a talented artist. When I was a young girl, Mom would spend hours with me drawing fashion figures of elegant women. She had a great sense of color and design that she expressed in many works of art. Her once nimble fingers crafted beautiful needlepoint, and she crocheted blankets and pillowcases that are our family heirlooms. Her paper sculptures of people and animals were thoughtfully framed and sold in a local shop near my father's shoe store, with others given lovingly to family and friends. 

As Mom grew older, she stopped working with paper sculpture because her arthritic hands could not manage the delicate maneuvers of the tiny scissors and other materials nor could she withstand the fumes of the glue that would hold the sculptures together. As my father grew more ill, in those rare moments that weren't given to his care, she was a voracious reader of cookbooks not just the recipes but the history and culture behind the menus. "I read cookbooks like other people read novels," Mommy told me more than once. Over my desk I keep one of her favorite recipes, "easy chicken fricassee," on which she wrote, "Made - very good - next time I will mix dark & light chicken." I don't think there was one recipe among her collection to which she hadn't added her own special touch.

After Dad was gone, Mom still insisted on living life on her own terms, and sadly to her physical detriment. Although Mom had never lived alone, she wanted to remain in her own home, in her own way -with the loving memories of my father and their life together enfolding her. It was not an easy path for Mom to follow. But she was determined to do things her own way. It was her path, and that was important to my mother. She was far stronger and more determined than I had ever realized. 

In the months following my mother's passing, I found it very hard to write. A book I was writing languished. Articles and editorials didn't get beyond the first two paragraphs. I began to realize that it was my mother's strength that had helped me face the grief of losing dad. Now, they were both gone and regardless of a satisfying career and personal home life with Jerry, my partner of 25 years, I felt like my soul had been torn from me and I would never again find peace. I kept thinking of my mother's artwork, looking with fascination at the care with which she placed each tiny piece of paper onto her canvas to create a lifelike picture. Her needlework that I gently touched, hoping to feel the softness of her hands as she worked so carefully on every stitch.

Among the artwork tucked away in our New Jersey home, I found boxes of vintage beads that she had been saving for one of her projects. I set aside the marketing book I was writing and began to work with the beads - and it seemed to soothe me - and to help me deal with my grief.

In looking through craft magazines, I found new ways to work with the beads, and began stringing them on to carved pewter bookmarks. I added to my mother's bead collection and used them to form the basis for colorful ballpoint pens. Soon I had dozens of these "products." I gave several as gifts to loved ones, as memories of my mother. Then I thought, my mom sold some of her artwork. Why couldn't I sell my pens and bookmarks? Why couldn't others give these one-of-a-kind designs as loving gifts? Or collect for personal use? 

I felt a sense of energy again, and I imagined my mom and dad encouraging me - as they had always done. I know my mother would have really loved the bookmarks to use in her collection of cookbooks. And the pens, well, they would have been carefully placed in the shoeboxes my father used to store his collection of ballpoint pens - hundreds of them that I also found carefully packed away in our New Jersey home.

To market the pens and bookmarks, I took the artisan name of Miriam Bat-Rachel: My mother's Hebrew name (Rachel), joined with my own (Miriam), and then adding the Hebrew term Bat, meaning daughter of. I created and mailed a press kit, and started calling on several local shops. Imagine my delight at seeing the pens and bookmarks displayed in two top-notch boutiques in the high-rise malls on North Michigan Avenue - colorful and creative items that my Mom would have enjoyed using and collecting.

I've slowly been able to get back to writing my marketing book, and ideas for new publishing projects are starting to take shape. I've even set the plans in motion to create a series of children's picture books that use my dad's wonderful photography to celebrate his love of animals and zoos. But my beaded pens and bookmarks will remain an important part of my creative life as a tribute to my parents as well as a remembrance. 

My mother and father set a beautiful example of great strength, courage and love throughout their lives. They understood that life is indeed a journey, and often a journey in the midst of trouble. Life takes us through conflicts of passions and conscience, the disappointments of business and false friendships, and the tragedies of poverty and prejudice. But life also takes us to unknown places in the heart and mind that are filled with wonder and creativity. My parents gave me the gifts of their love and strength, and the encouragement to explore those unknown places - and so I am.

Generally, I am a very private person. I've confined my writing to marketing, healthcare education, and women's advocacy issues. But it is my hope that my personal journey will inspire others. I will miss my parents forever, and not a day goes by that I don't think of them with a mix of joy, sadness and cherished memories - and the creative process is but one way I chose to honor them.

Written in loving memory of Larry and Ray Gold. (c) 2003 Marion E. Gold. Reprinted with permission.

Three Things to Look for in A Movie That Can Change Your Life

Guest blog by Maria Grace, Ph.D
Author of Reel Fulfillment: A 12-Step Plan for Transforming Your Life Through Movies

If you want to be happier and you also love movies, this article will teach you how to use their lessons to change your life. To achieve this, you must look for three things in every movie you watch. If the movie has all three, it can be a rich, meaningful experience that can change your life while you're also having fun. Here's what to look for: 

1. Does this movie inspire you? Great mentors must be able to bring out the best in us. A good movie must have the power to inspire you through the characters it brings to life. If you love a movie, you can use it as your inspirational force by answering these questions: How did this film inspire you to go after what's important in you life:· What did the characters teach you about success and what will you do to follow their examples?· What did the characters teach you about mistakes and what harmful actions will you avoid in your life? 

2. Does this movie stir in you powerful emotions? In watching a movie, it's safe to feel emotions you usually hide in real life, from sadness and pain to joy and bliss. Life is full of emotion. If a movie can not stir powerful emotions in you, it's not a story about real life but a lifeless illustration in motion. To make the most out of a good film's ability to stir powerful emotions, answer these questions: 
· What powerful feelings did this movie stir in you?
· How have you been handling those feelings in real life (such as avoiding, suppressing, or letting out of control) and what results are you getting?
· Can you make any improvements in the way you are handling those feelings?

3. Does this movie show you how to handle the unknown? Like a great teacher, a good movie must have lessons that prepare you for the unknown and warn you about the dangers of the future. The characters must be honest examples of real people and their ways of dealing with life's curveballs must teach meaningful lessons for your life. To make the most out of those lessons, answer these questions: 
· What did this character (or characters) do to face that unexpected challenge?
· What happened as a result?
· What am I learning from the example of this character (or characters) that I must use (or avoid) in my own life, when I face a similar challenge?
When a movie does not meet the three criteria, it can still influence you through other, equally important elements, such as special effects, cinematography, great action sequences, or the soundtrack. In such a case, ask yourself: "What do I like about this movie that I want to have more of in my life?" If it's the music, then put more music in your life. If it's the cinematography, then add in your schedule some art-related activities. If it's the action sequences, then pick an area of your life that lacks action and do something about it.

How to Apply the 3 Criteria
Get together with two or three friends who love movies. Pick a movie from the following list and watch using the three criteria above. Keep in mind the questions listed within each criterion. Then, answer the questions that follow below. 

1. "The Aviator" is a biopic about Howard Hughes, who became a magnet following his passion for aviation as he fought the debilitating effects of mental illness.
2. "Ray" is a biopic about singer Ray Charles who achieved world fame as he fought blindness, poverty, racism, and heroin addiction.
3. "The Notebook" is the story of two people who grow old together letting nothing stand in the way of their love for each other.
4. "Million Dollar Baby" is the story of a determined female boxer who achieves her dream just before life throws her a punch that she's not prepared to return. 

Questions to answer: 
- How did the film inspire you?
- What powerful feelings did it stir in you?
- What did it teach you about handling the unknown?

Now make a list of:
1. Something you have a desire to achieve.
2. An obstacle you think is blocking you from achieving it.
3. Three strengths you gained from watching the recommended movies. 
Put your learning to practice with concrete actions. Enjoy the results.

The Rules for One Night Stands

Guest blog by Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer
Author of A Piece of Cake: Recipes for Female Sexual Pleasure

The number-one piece of advice women give to each other is to know yourself and the context, and be sure of what you want. Set boundaries on one-night stands, boundaries that are both emotional and physical. To have a good casual encounter, you have to protect and assert your own needs, along with respecting what your partner wants. 

After all, what's the point of getting down if it doesn't feel good? If we could be assured that our orgasm would be a priority, then it would seem that casual sex encounters would look a lot more attractive to a lot more of us. A sexy smile can last only so long, and once the romp begins, we are looking for the skills to match our attraction. 

During her first one-night stand, Jennifer (24) hit the jackpot. It was the holidays and most of her college friends were out of town. All alone in the big city, she decided it would be fun to hit one of her favorite wine bars for her first solo bar experience. After a few glasses of wine, she strolled over to a group of five men who had just come in after work. Feeling confident and independent, she decided she would try going home with a stranger for the first time. After about an hour of speaking to one guy whom she was particularly attracted to and felt comfortable with, she asked him if he'd like to leave with her. He responded by grabbing her arm and pulling her out the door. 

Without exchanging names or any personal information, they got in a cab and drove uptown to his apartment. Once inside, he slowly undressed her and laid her on his bed, then took his clothes off. He was a very good partner: He was verbal, which she found terribly exciting, and was careful to take his time, making sure she was sated. Jennifer swears he went down on her more than ten times. After their romp had concluded, she got dressed and slipped back into the night, feeling just a bit guilty because he kept asking her to stay. The next morning, she still couldn't believe what had happened. She never would have imagined something like that was within her command. 

Unfortunately, we may not all be lucky enough to come upon a partner with mad skills. Frankly speaking, many men do not know their way around female pleasure, and in the case of an unfamiliar body are either clueless or careless. This is when we have to take matters into our own hands. It's up to us to let the new boy on the block know exactly what we need, even if he's going to be around for just one night. Casual sex can be an opportunity to demand that male partners get with the equality program by putting our orgasm on the same level as theirs. 
Copyright © 2005 Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer

It's Not What We Say, But What We Do

Guest blog by Marianne J. Legato, MD, FACP and Laura Tucker
Author of Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget

Despite the vast numbers of sonnets and songs penned in an effort to attract the attention of a beloved, scientists believe that courtship between humans happens predominantly on a nonverbal level. 

Hey, Good-Lookin' 

Physical appearance is, of course, one of the very first things we notice about one another. A male bird's beautiful, brightly colored plumage intrigues prospective mates. The same is true of humans. I recently tried to persuade a good friend that charm and charisma were the things that men eventually and ultimately responded to in a woman. "The first thing we notice," he replied, without missing a beat, "is how she looks. If we don't think she's attractive, we never even get to the charm and charisma." 

A study done in 1990 showed that women favored men with large eyes, prominent cheekbones, a large chin, and a big smile. The researchers who did the study said that these features indicated "sexual maturity and dominance." These characteristics are indicative of high levels of testosterone, which shapes the larger size and sharper contours of the male face. (Estrogen, on the other hand, is responsible for the round softness of women's faces and the extra fat in their cheeks and lips.) On some primal level, women found these very "masculine" facial characteristics attractive. Women were most attracted to men who seemed sociable, approachable, and of high social status. They also gave high marks to expensive or elegant clothing; apparently, it's not just birds who like beautiful plumage. 

Men, on the other hand, look for features that signify good health: regular features, a good complexion, and a good body. (It will perhaps interest you to learn that -- as you dreaded in junior high school -- while large breast size does influence sexual attractiveness, it does not carry a lot of weight in mate selection.) 

Another interesting observation: People choose mates with physical characteristics similar to their own (hence couples really do took alike, as dogs resemble their owners). 

Are we all just fundamental narcissists? I think it's more likely that after a lifetime of looking at ourselves in the mirror, our features and coloring seem "right" to us somehow. Maybe we choose the genetic material closest to our own, in an "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" paradigm. 

Don't Limit Your Options! 

A few months ago, I ran into a friend of mine, out for a walk with a male companion. The first thing that struck me about my friend's date was that he wasn't very handsome or well dressed. But the next things I noticed about him were his lively and intelligent eyes and the laugh lines around them. In the brief chat the three of us had on that street corner, he impressed me with how charming he was and how attentive he was to my friend. I walked away very pleased that she had found someone so appropriate. 

My friend is not a shallow person, but she clearly felt uncomfortable with the social pressure of dating someone who didn't look the way she thought her escort should. She undoubtedly knew, without my saying a word, what I had thought when I first laid eyes on him, and I wish that we were close enough for me to tell her what I thought next. I felt very sad for her when I heard they had broken up, and even sadder when she showed up at a dinner party we were both attending with a stunningly handsome man who treated her as if she were a not-very-intelligent child of 5. 

I'm no soothsayer, but I feel sure that my friend had a much better chance of happiness and laughter with the man she was with when I ran into her that day, even if she had to stoop a little to kiss him. And yet, women like her throw away great relationships all the time (or nip them in the bud before they even begin) because the man is "inappropriate" in some way -- too short, not handsome enough, not well dressed enough, not intellectual or wealthy enough, the wrong race or religion, too young or too old. 

The social pressure isn't limited to women; in fact, it may be worse for men. (There is a play right now on Broadway by Neil LaBute, painfully titled Fat Pig, about a man who, because of social pressure, is incapable of dating an overweight woman with whom he has a terrific connection. Needless to say, it ends badly, as all the classic tragedies do.) 

If there's one thing I know as a doctor, it's that you can't control other people's behavior. But if you take one piece of advice from this book, I hope it's this: Throw away all your old preconceived notions about what Prince Charming is going to look like, how old he will be, what he will wear, or what he's going to talk about at parties; it will make you much more likely to find him.

A Token of My Affection

Psychologist Linda Mealey, PhD, of the College of Saint Benedict in Minnesota demonstrates how many of the mating behaviors of animals echo our own behavior, particularly in the use of carefully chosen objects to entice the female. 

For example, the bowerbirds of Australia collect brightly colored objects that they display for the female's consideration in a cleared area called a court. Some select only blue decorations; others collect the plumage of a rare bird of paradise. These gifts offer a female the chance to assess how good the male is at accruing resources and how well he will provide. 

In many cases, the quality of these gifts -- which are not really so different from the diamond solitaire that traditionally accompanies a marriage proposal -- can weigh heavily in a female bowerbird's decision about whether or not to mate with a given mate. We don't have to look too far to find parallels in human society as well. Indeed, many women are likely to favor the man with the resources to buy her that house in the country or the status car and jewelry she's always longed for. 

Ask any woman what's most important in a prospective mate and 9 times out of 10 she'll say "a sense of humor." It's my theory that this is another, more modern way of sniffing out his ability to accrue resources. A sense of humor takes intelligence and indicates charm: Surely these are far more useful skills in earning a good living in today's world than big pectoral muscles or a square jaw! 

Copyright © 2005 Marianne J. Legato, MD, FACP and Laura Tucker

"BANG, BANG " Choose your Target

Guest blog by  Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer
Author of A Piece of Cake: Recipes for Female Sexual Pleasure

While it's still a serious matter, and maybe the most important choice you will make all day, choosing a casual-encounter partner is, well, more casual than choosing a long-term lover. You don't have to worry about whether you'd want his toothbrush on your sink, whether you'd have to bring him home to meet your parents, or whether he'd get along with your girlfriends. More important, if we always practice safer sex, we do not have to worry about whether our sex partner will be a good dad. A casual-sex partner does not have to fill your every expectation, but there is one basic requirement: attraction. 

Acting on a feeling of instantaneous attraction can be very exciting; in turn, the feeling that you're so sexy that a stranger is overwhelmed by his attraction to you can be equally mind-blowing. From both perspectives, the possibility of being so passionate with someone we don't know but have a spontaneous sexual connection with is enough to make our heads (or bodies) spin. A perfectly common reaction to physical attraction is sexual excitement, and we can get turned on, often and easily, by people we don't know. 

Of course, a hot body and good looks can always whet our palates for some lovin'. But above and beyond simple attraction, anonymity, in particular, plays a big role in female fantasy. The exciting part for some of us is particularly that which is not connected to a relationship: the freedom of indulging in attraction without ever having to know someone's name. Pure physical pleasure can be heightened when we are freed from having to consider what will happen when the moment is over. Anonymity resolves the issues of consequences. There are no sacrifices. No one gets hurt. 

Copyright © 2005 Melinda Gallagher, M.A., and Emily Scarlet Kramer

Author on Burning of the Marriage Hat

Guest blog by Margaret Benshoof-Holler
Author of Burning of the Marriage Hat
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Some might think of the title of Burning of the Marriage Hat as an act of rebellion against the sanctity of matrimony. That's not what I had in mind in the writing of the book. When marriage works, it's very beautiful. But one need only look at the divorce rate to see that perhaps marriage, or the way that we marry or the reasons why we marry in this culture, have not brought the best results. Something must be wrong. I have seen too many women who have married and given up half of whom they are to follow someone else's dreams and not their own. I see them die a slow death and not even know it. I have seen other women marry men who give them plenty of space and who are not threatened when a woman needs to follow her own path. Those marriages seem to work. 

On the issue of being single in the U.S. culture, all types of articles and research studies have been done which analyze the single life, take it apart and come to conclusions and set the terms for how many people think. If anything, I would like to dispel that type of myth about single people which comes out of mass produced newspaper reporting and I would hope that some might gain a larger view by what I have to share. 

I think of the title Burning of the Marriage Hat as something like the road less traveled, choosing one route over another. In the case of Katherine, the narrator in the book Burning of the Marriage Hat, it means leaving one route behind or rejecting a role that was set up for her and following something different as a single woman. She, though, is not the typical spinster, the term often used to label such a woman, but an adventurous, courageous, and experienced and sensual woman who has a strong yet cautious attraction to men.

The symbol of the Burning of the Marriage Hat relates to the cleaning up of unresolved issues and denial within a family.

In a more profound sense, Burning of the Marriage Hat has to do with cleansing or being tried by fire like metal when it is shaped and molded. A jewelry maker begins with a raw piece of metal, puts it to the flame and ends up with something entirely different, something very beautiful. In a way, that's what my life has been about. 

A marriage hat is a term that came out while I was writing the book before I had even given it a title. Literally, it's the hat that the narrator Katherine's grandmother Naomi is forced to burn when her marriage to her husband Sam falls apart. It's the wedding veil that narrator Katherine burns when she finds out that her first love Joe is not going to marry her. It also has a more symbolic meaning. 

In life we find ourselves wearing different hats for different occasions. American women have worn many hats during the last 100 years -- the "married woman hat," "housewife hat," the "wife and mother hat," the "working woman" hat, "the liberated woman hat," "the single woman hat," "the marriage hat" and so on. The marriage hat has a more significant meaning when applied to a certain group such as the unwed pregnant women. 

I began writing this book on a journey back to Wyoming to dig into family roots and to uncover some past mysteries. On one trip back, I also wrote a journalism piece about Matthew Shepherd, the gay University of Wyoming student who was beaten and tied to a fence post and left to die in sub-zero temperatures in 1998 near Laramie, Wyoming (entitled "Love and Hate in the Equality State" and published in the Hearst-owned San Francisco Examiner). Not being gay myself, but a woman who grew up in Wyoming during an era when conditions for women were not the best in any location in the U.S. (this was before the 1964 Civil Rights Act had a chance to settle in to prevent discrimination against anyone on the basis of sex, race or religion and before the 1972 passage of Roe v. Wade), I had a feel for the Matthew Shepherd story. And wrote it. But, in the process of writing that piece and developing the narrator Katherine in my book, I knew there was something more that I should be writing about Wyoming. This was a story that had been buried. 

In the process of fleshing out the narrator Katherine, I began fleshing out myself as a birthmother and coming to terms with many things that I hadn't faced exactly. This is the story of the narrator Katherine. It is also the story of approximately 2.5 million women who gave their children up for adoption in the U.S. in the 1960s --"the unwed pregnant women." I drew from my own experience. I am a birthmother. And I came of age in Wyoming in the 1960s. So I drew from that experience and also what I observed around me. 

So, there we have the narrator Katherine. It was only later that I realized that it wasn't only my experience. It was the experience of approximately 250,000 unwed pregnant women a year who gave their children up for adoption in the U.S. in the 1960s. 

This is not a typical birthmother finds daughter kind of book, the kind of story that tends to get printed in the media. Those sensational types of stories get old and I quit reading them many years ago. This story goes deeper and turns the characters into real people. I was able to do that because I wrote it as fiction. Similar to how an actress projects her voice on stage, these characters are actually able to use their voices. 

In many ways, I see fiction as being truer than journalism because journalism limits one to writing about facts and figures and dates and getting things exactly right and doesn't always gets down to the deeper layers of the psyche and emotions. Journalism can do that depending on the writer. For Burning of the Marriage Hat, I had to write it in a different way. So I drew from my poetics experience and my inner core to write this book along with my journalism experience as far as structure. They all fit together and work quite well. One has to draw from real life experiences to get to deeper levels though -- one has to be very honest. And in a sense, because of the objectivity of journalism, there's a tendency for the writer to hide. A writer has to remove his or her mind from many things that might hold him or her back --i.e., the safe bureaucracies or other well-meaning people or friends who can push a writer or an artist towards self-censorship. If a writer listens too closely to the everyday voices, he or she might end up writing interoffice memos instead of a story or book that brings to light issues that have never been dealt with and still affect women today.

Burning of the Marriage Hat is the story of a woman who returns to her roots to free the ghosts of her past and come to terms with a culture that has oppressed women. Set in Wyoming, known as the "Equality State" because that's where women first gained the right to vote in the U.S. and also where I came of age on the cusp of the 1960s sexual revolution, the book is also about a place. It's also a story about a middle-class family in a small prairie town in Wyoming and the coming of age of a young woman during the post-McCarthy era of the 1960s. 

A good part of the book was written on the road. I made several road trips back and forth across Wyoming with miles and miles of open space around me. The ideas came to me on the road. The fleshing out of characters came when I returned home to San Francisco and my computer.

Another part of the book was written from my dreams. In the early 1980s while I was studying poetics with Allen Ginsberg at Narapa Institute in Boulder, he told me one night as feedback to a description of a dream that I had written that "You should write down all of your dreams." So, I've been doing that off and on since. And sometimes I happen to have very profound dreams. So part of this book came from dreams I have had at different times. It was a dream, in fact, that gave me direction when I first started writing the book. And other dreams came to me along the way as if to guide me. The dreams came at unexpected moments when I was needing a voice. The dreams and the voices I heard in them helped me get the book written. I had help from the voices of my dreams. 

Ginsberg's words and actions and feedback still speak to me. He, too, has appeared in some of my dreams. 

Back to the unwed pregnant women. In the year 2002 in the U.S., we have teen pregnancy and single welfare mothers along with six million birthmothers, many of whom gave their children up for adoption in the 60s and early 70s. This is a large group of women with strong voices and we almost never hear them. They are a group of women who have been kept out of sight. And for what reason? This must say something about whether the stigmas of the 60s are still with us. 

Also, marriage was one of two ultimatums (not choices but ultimatums) for the 60s unwed mothers. And some today would like to make it an ultimatum again for single welfare mothers. So here we have history repeating itself. 

What happened to women in the 1960s helped shape the title of Burning of the Marriage Hat. It is a fiction book that explores real social issues in the United States. I drew from my own experience. The narrator Katherine is a birthmother and I'm a birthmother. I'm also a writer and a creative women who has written about many issues. This is the first time that I have written about unwed pregnant women. This because the medium of fiction helped free the pen and the voice of this writer. 

With that, I'd like to say that a woman doesn't have to get married. She can make it alone. Not all women can do that, though. Many women can't. I have found the single life to be full of adventure along with the gamut of emotions that one deals with in any environment--married or single. A woman needs to find herself first before she takes the step towards marriage, I feel. She needs to find her creative core, her inner voice, begin the journey of following her own dreams before she even thinks of getting married." Otherwise, she will end up following someone else's and get lost in the process. Marriage can be a very beautiful union between two people and one should be open to all possibilities. 

"It is much more difficult, though, for a woman to be a strong writer within the institution of marriage. I have seen the tendency for women to hold back their voices when they are married. The stronger women writers, I feel, are those who haven't been married to a man, woman, organization, conglomerate, bureaucracy, corporation or any other system that tends to control the voice of a writer. If a woman can find freedom and space within that institution to be totally free with the pen, then we may see something very different." 

Sexual Crisis in Midlife

Guest blog by ChicagoHealers.com Practitioner Dr. Marilyn Mitchell MD, BHSP

We are often surprised by changes that occur in our sexual lives during middle age. The two hormones that most affect sexual physiology, estrogen and testosterone, tend to decrease during midlife, in both women and men. As a result of these hormone decreases, the most common symptoms we experience are a decreased libido (desire) and changes in sexual response. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. Sexuality is complex, especially at this life stage, and we go through other shifts on the physical, mental and emotional levels. Our roles and relationships change. While it is common for people to experience changes in sexuality during the middle years, it may not happen to both partners at the same time, further complicating the issue.

There are four components of sexuality that may be challenged at midlife: 
• Self-perception: At midlife, it is common to experience changes in weight, fitness, appearance and mood causing us to feel less desirable and therefore less interested in sex. The challenge is to do what is reasonable to improve health and appearance, and then move to embrace and accept ourselves as we enter this new phase of life.
• Sex role behavior: Women at midlife experience shifts in their psyches and often have a shift in priorities. Commonly, women begin to focus on their own needs and self care, and have more time to devote to creative endeavors. They often have a change in career and focus. Men are more likely to slow down at work and are looking to balance their lives with more leisure. This impacts behaviors, including sexual behaviors, and can require negotiation of the relationship. This is true in same sex relationships as well. 
• Sexual desire (libido): Loss of libido is common in women as they go through peri-menopause into menopause. Typically, women in this life stage don’t think about sex, don’t initiate, and don’t care that they don’t care! They are surprised at the sudden change. For some, just going ahead and starting foreplay will cause arousal and interest to follow. This dramatic change is the result of a drop in testosterone (mostly) along with lowered other sex hormones. Men may have a decreased libido as well, as their testosterone slowly wanes.
• Sexual response: Women tend to complain of slow arousal and difficulty coming to orgasm. Orgasms may elude them altogether, or be less satisfying. At the same time, men who are having difficulty with sexual response most often report erectile dysfunction. This may be an early warning sign of cardiovascular disease and a medical workup is advisable.

What you can do:
• Healthy diet: Eating for health, mostly fresh whole foods without preservatives, additives, and trans fats will provide energy to all your cells.
• Exercise: Women who exercise has been shown to have fewer symptoms of menopause, including sexual symptoms. Men and women who exercise have better cardiovascular health and sexual interest.
• Sleep: Adequate, uninterrupted sleep is important for stress reduction, hormone production, and sexual desire and response.
• Manage stress: Stress often increases at midlife, especially with the many changes that occur. Taking an honest look at your stressors and working to eliminate any of those that are possible will help. Finding practices to manage stress will improve well being in general, including sexual interest and response. Deep breathing and meditation (even 5 minutes twice a day) have been shown in formal research to improve medical health and sexual health and satisfaction.
• Improve self image: It may be enlightening to focus on your own thought messages to self Working on the above factors can enhance your positive self talk. Improving your relationship with yourself has a positive effect on sexual health. . 

Therapies for treating sexual dysfunction:

• Medications commonly used include bioidentical testosterone supplementation, either oral or cream. This will usually accompany hormonal treatment with bioidentical estrogen or progesterone in either an oral form, as a cream for local external treatment, or in a vaginal form. 
• Medicinal treatment may also extend to adjunctive anti-depressants for you or your partner or a change in current therapy for other diseases. Some antihypertensives and antidepressants will alter sexual function in men or women. 
• Herbal therapies include the herbs Damiana for improved libido, Chinese ginseng for improved libido, potency and fertility, and Yohimbe. Ashwaganda is also helpful on a long-term basis for improving sexual response. 
• Behavioral approaches can help improve sexual satisfaction. An aid to sexual health may be a change in sexual foreplay to accommodate changes in each partner and to rekindle interest. Couple therapy may be helpful, either with a professional or with the couple alone. Intimacy "planning" can help when this part of life seems to get squeezed out. 
• Energy Healing has profound effects on improving sexual health and connection. Higher levels of healing, as used in Energy Touch work, can assist with connections through multiple sets of chakras and quickly improve sexuality on the physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational levels. 

When dealing with the sometimes sudden changes that come in midlife sexuality, it is important to approach this with the same openness and honesty that is used in other areas. Sexual problems often seem insurmountable and confusing, difficult to approach and embarrassing to talk about. Knowing that this is a common problem and there are effective solutions can be helpful in working through the issues. By focusing on specific factors and symptoms and improving communication, a healthy sense of sexual balance can be achieved.

All About Apples & Pears

Guest blog by Dr. Marie Savard
Author of Apples & Pears: The Body Shape Solution for Weight Loss and Wellness 

Are you an apple or a pear? Most women understand intuitively whether their bodies tend to store fat around their waists (forming an apple shape) or lower down around their hips, thighs, and buttocks (forming a pear shape). But few of us understand the dramatic impact body shape has on our current health and risk of future disease. Every aspect of a woman's life is affected by her shape, including her ability to lose weight, her fertility, severity of menopausal symptoms, response to birth control pills and hormone replacement, emotional volatility, body image, and long-term risks of breast cancer, heart disease, diabetes, osteoporosis, and other disorders
Determining your body shape is easy: First, measure around your waist to get your waist circumference. Next, measure around the widest part of your lower body to get your hip circumference. Divide the first number by the second to get your waist-to-hip ratio (WHR). If your WHR is 0.80 or less, you are a "pear." If your WHR is greater than 0.80, you are an "apple." 

How important is body shape?
Although we've known for decades that these different body shapes existed, only now are their causes and related health risks becoming clear. The startling discovery is that these two categories of women-apple-shaped and pear-shaped-are as physiologically different from each other as women are from men. The reason is fat. 

Fat comes in two main varieties: subcutaneous fat, which is located under the skin; and visceral or abdominal fat, which packs itself around the inner organs of the abdomen. Subcutaneous fat, being closer to the surface, is always easy to see. Visceral fat, on the other hand, is not always visible from the outside. It jams up against the intestines, kidneys, pancreas, and liver (and sometimes even inside the liver). We all have some visceral fat because it protects our internal organs, acting both as shock absorber in case of trauma, and as insulator to help us conserve body heat. While some visceral fat is necessary, too much can create serious health problems.
Most people think of fat as inert material, much like the rind of fat surrounding a steak. But fat is actually living, breathing, hormone-producing, metabolically active tissue. Fat is critical for survival because it stores food energy, and because it helps regulate body functions through the give-and-take of chemical communications with the central nervous system. 

Subcutaneous fat may be visible and annoying, but it is relatively harmless. In fact, fat in the pear zone-hips, thighs, and buttocks-helps to protect us from disease. Scientists believe that pear zone fat acts like a fat magnet, trapping certain fats from the foods we eat and keeping them from escaping into the blood stream where they can damage our arteries.

Excess visceral fat, on the other hand, can be dangerous. Visceral fat is more metabolically active than subcutaneous fat, and most of what it does is harmful to the body. Visceral fat decreases insulin sensitivity (making diabetes more likely), increases triglycerides, decreases levels of HDL cholesterol (the good one), creates more inflammation, and raises blood pressure-all of which increase the risk of heart disease. Instead of trapping fat, visceral fat releases more of its free fatty acids into the blood stream, further increasing the risk of both diabetes and heart disease. The overall effect of excess visceral fat is that it creates a physical environment that is primed for heart disease and stroke, and greatly increases the risk for certain cancers. This is why apple-shaped women, who carry their weight around their waists, have an increased risk of metabolic and vascular diseases. 

Although pear-shaped women are protected from heart disease and diabetes, they have health risks of their own. Because pear-zone fat produces a less potent form of estrogen than apple-zone fat, pear-shaped women are more likely to experience more severe symptoms of menopause, and to develop osteoporosis. Pear-shaped women are also more likely to develop eating disorders, probably because society tends to value the narrow hips and slender legs that are impossible for pear-shaped women to achieve, even with liposuction. 

Health tips
No matter which body shape you have, how old you are, or how much you weigh, there are many things you can do to decrease your personal disease risk. Diet and exercise are only part of the equation-medical monitoring is critical, as is a change in mind-set. We need to stop thinking of our weight problems, and learn to accept ourselves as women with figures. Every woman can become stronger, look better, and feel healthier. My top tips for getting started:

For apple-shaped women:
· First step: throw away the scale and dig out a tape measure…from now on you should measure your health by inches instead of pounds.
· Long-term goal: lose just two inches of fat from your waist to significantly decrease your risks for the metabolic syndrome, diabetes, and heart disease.
· Diet strategy: Think high complex carbohydrates, moderate fats. Avoid foods made with white flour; eat plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grain foods. Choose olive oil instead of butter or margarines. Avoid all products made with partially hydrogenated oils-those are the dangerous trans fats, which increase the risk of heart disease.
· Exercise strategy: walk 30 minutes ever day to burn apple-zone fat.
· Medical monitoring: Get yearly tests for cholesterol, triglycerides, and blood glucose.
· Secret sabotage: STRESS-it adds inches to your waist!

For pear-shaped women:
· First step: understand that pear-zone fat is actually healthy.
· Long-term goal: Avoid weight-gain after menopause, which can turn a pear into an apple.
· Diet strategy: Think low fat, high complex carbohydrates. Avoid fatty foods, especially cheese and butter. Avoid candy, which is associated with a high risk of osteoporosis. Avoid salty foods, which can worsen varicose veins. Eat plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grain foods. 
· Exercise strategy: resistance training three times per week to build bones.
· Medical monitoring: Get a bone density scan at age 45, and again every year or two after menopause.
· Secret sabotage: poor body image-it can lead to eating disorders. 

(For additional information and downloadable forms, see the website at www.applesandpears.org.)

Ten Psychological Tips that Will Change How You Look and Feel About Beauty

Guest blog by Vivian Diller Ph.D. with Jill Muir-Sukenick Ph.D., edited by Michele Willens
Author of Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change 

Face it: there is no magic solution to aging with grace and dignity. Having just written a book offering guidance to millions of women who feel trapped by conflicting feelings, we think we are on to something. We have found satisfying, long term solutions that help us deal with a culture that virtually programs women to have a crisis over their aging appearance. We were once professional models, so we were made acutely aware how quickly a premium on physical beauty can fade with age. It took hard work and time, but we learned the secret of how to enjoy our changing appearance. Now we are therapists treating hundreds of women who may be fulfilled and evolved in many ways, but are still having difficulty coming to terms with the lines of time. Here are some great psychological tips we tell women to "think" about that help them change the way they "feel" and "look." They worked for us. They can work for you!

1) Beauty is not just a physical experience, but a psychological one as well. We all tend to think of beauty as a skin-deep issue, all about how we physically look. But research tells us that perception of what is deemed attractive and unattractive is much more complicated. Why do you think some beautiful women say, "I've never thought I was pretty"? Yes, even beauties like Uma Thurman and Michelle Pfeiffer have drawn attention to what they consider flaws. Similarly, there are women who may not be your typical image of beauty, yet when you ask them they say they are quite confident in their looks. Serena Williams never tries to cover up her unconventionally muscular physique: in fact, she flaunts it and somehow it makes her more appealing. What makes people feel attractive goes well beyond our physical self. It runs deep, much deeper than the eye can see.

2) Although we can't stop the physical changes of aging, we can change our experience of aging. No one, not any doctor, dermatologist or surgeon can stop physical changes of aging. There may be ways to look better, take care of your skin and bodies that put things temporarily on hold, at least on the surface. We're all for that! We're also for ways we can experience -- and even enjoy -- our changing looks. If we take care of ourselves, it makes us feel better and we smile more. When we smile, we look more attractive. The sooner we go through an interior process, (we offer six steps in our book) the better you will feel inside and out.

3) While aging is inevitable and irreversible, self-image is not. Self-image can be fluid and timeless. Self-image is not an actual still picture of oneself. It is an internal experience, how we see ourselves from within, over time throughout our lives. It's flexible and malleable. And if we understand that self image is changeable, then that is what we try to help women conquer. Not age itself. That's a battle we can't win.  

4) Beauty is in the "I" of the beholder. If we become our own internal "eye," we can take control over how we see ourselves, rather than give it over to other people to determine if we're attractive or not. Our six steps serve to change the internal lens through which we see, not only ourselves, but others as well. The result? Women will be less self critical and less critical of each other.

5) Chronological age does not have to define you. You can define yourself at your chronological age. A particular age has little to do with how old you feel. You can define how you want to be 40, 50 and onward. We also don't have to let magazine images define what is beautiful. Some women in their 20's feel old. Some women in their 60's feel young.

6) Put your beauty in your identity, not your identity in your beauty. Your identity is made up of many aspects of yourself. How you look is just one of them. As you get older, more aspects of yourself can make up your identity; for example, your experiences in life, your accomplishments and your relationships. If you hold onto youthful beauty as a narrow definition of yourself, you're especially unlikely to enjoy your looks as you age. You leave out so many other ways to feel good about yourself.

7) Take an honest look at who you are, not what you look like. Mirrors tell only a little of what we really look like. Gaze again and go beyond, past your reflection and see who you are as a person. Think of what you see as only the image of yourself, that informs the world of your physical self. But who you are is more than what they see.

8) Rob beauty of its power over you. Take back that power and you will feel more beautiful. Our culture has given beauty power over women. We are told who and what is beautiful. We know that youth is beautiful. Most people see babies as beautiful. But grandmothers can be beautiful as well. Some of the most beautiful women in the world are those who smile, engage and appear happy at any age. If you take back the power of what makes you feel attractive, you will become more attractive to yourself and others.

9) Become less afraid of aging and you will look more beautiful. When you see a face that is scared, you would hardly call it beautiful. There is nothing pretty about fear. Women need to accept that aging happens and that becoming more courageous about all aspects of our lives will enhance them . . . and us.

10) Beauty matters to all women, but to those who age beautifully, it matters neither too much nor too little. We all know that a core aspect of our identities is our appearance. No doubt our looks matter. But women who allow beauty to matter, but keep it in balance with all other aspects of their lives, can enjoy their looks at any age.

Bottom line: Dealing with your looks as they inevitably change is a psychological process as well as a physical challenge. Master the first and the second will come with much more joy. When it comes to your face, your body and your aging process, be smart, be thoughtful and you'll be more beautiful.

Women and Money Don't Have to be Like Oil and Water

Guest blog by Mary McGrath

He always took care of her.

Judy never worried about money, investments or taxes. But now she finds herself alone -- a widow scared out of her mind.

Things are changing. She's only going to receive one Social Security check, and her husband's pension was cut in half upon his death. Plus, he never mentioned unpaid credit cards. She thought the cards were paid monthly.

How will Judy ever manage?!?

You may not think this could ever be you, but think again. The average age of a widow in the U.S. is 55. Eighty-five of every 100 American women will be on their own financially at some point in their lives. And only 47 percent of women participate in pensions. 

It's time to get educated. This doesn't mean you need to get a degree in finance or even start reading the Wall Street Journal. But it does mean you need to know where you stand financially and what will happen if your husband predeceases you. Only YOU are responsible for your financial well being. 

Start out by being actively involved in any decision your husband makes that will affect your financial security if he dies.

Find out where your income comes from. If you're in the retirement stage, it's probably a combination of Social Security, pension income and investment income. The next question is to know what happens to this money when your husband dies. 

If the pension is from your husband's employment it could possibly change at his death, depending on an election made at retirement. Most pensions have what is called a survivor option. This is the percentage of the original pension that continues after the death of the retiree. You should know if his pension will continue unchanged (100 percent survivor option), stop all together (no survivor option) or something in between.

Did you know that his Social Security check will stop at his death? But you, as the survivor, will receive the higher of his Social Security or yours.

In other words, if he is receiving $2,000 per month and you get $1,000, on his death you will lose his benefit, but your total will increase to $2,000 per month. That's still $1,000 per month less than you received as a couple.

And what about investment income? Based on what you are taking from your investments, how long is it projected to last? Women live, on average, seven years longer than men. If your husband is five years older than you, the investments need to last at least 12 years longer after his death. Find out how this is calculated and make sure there will be enough left for you.

What if your husband plans to put your assets in a trust? How much control will you have over the trust? Can you access both income and principal or only income?

Next, look at your expenses. If you find trouble ahead after reviewing the income side, try cutting expenses. Don't take that big trip, drive your cars longer and don't overindulge the grandkids. It's easier to trim expenses now than to wait until the money's not there.

It's true that some expenses will be cut when there's only one of you -- but not many. Get an idea of how much your expenses will fall if your husband were to die before you.

All of this is not an overwhelming task. It's time to be in touch with your finances. A little work today can save years of agony later.

The lion's share of all women will be solely responsible for managing their finances at some point in their lives. Be sure you're one of the ready ones.

Unemployment-proof Yourself Create your Dream Business

Guest blog by Marianna Olszewski
Author of Live It, Love It, Earn It: A Woman's Guide to Financial Freedom

With the unemployment rate so high these days, many of us women are either without a job or worried about being let go, downsized or having our salary cut in half. Because of these uncertain economic times, I suggest women more than ever be creative and be prepared ‘just in case” you find yourself looking for a job. 

The secret is what I call going fuzzy to firm – to get in touch with ourselves and our intuitions, follow our flow and put in down on paper. This is how new ideas are seamlessly transformed into dream businesses. It’s really quite simple. Start with spending quiet time and getting in touch with “ideas that keep nudging you” and look inside to see what it is that comes easy and natural to you. Some women I know have four or five business ideas floating around in their heads and they never write any of them down. The result – none of these ideas ever materialize. I agree it is much easier to keep your ideas in your head, then taking the time to write them down and see them as real. Seeing your idea, goal or business dream on paper can be scary. We might think “What if my ideas are silly, and I get laughed at”, “What if my business fails” or even “What if it works, then what?” As long as we keep our dreams as just that our dreams we are safe. But our talents, ideas and dreams are there for a reason – for us to look at what keeps “tugging” at us and keep coming up for us so we can manifest this goodness in our lives. Each one of us has unique talents and ideas that are put there for a reason, so we can explore and manifest them. We women deserve the very best in life and that starts with saying yes to ourselves and yes to our dreams. The first action needed to start any business is to formulate the idea on paper. When the idea is staring at us in black and white it can be read and reread, revised and changed. Otherwise it is just a bunch of fuzz in our heads.

Try my “Dream Business” Exercise in Live It, Love It, Earn It or downloading it from my website liveitloveitearnit.com. The exercise gives you space to write down some business ideas. Once your ideas are on paper, pick the idea that excites you the most, and work on that one.

Once your ideas are down on paper, the next step is doing a bit of due diligence – digging around per se. Researching similar business is helpful in learning how to best approach your business and figuring out how your business idea is both similar and different. I call this doing your due diligence. Talking to others in your field, asking how they got started and what they think the difficulties of the business are is very helpful. People are usually flattered and generous with information. I suggest networking organizations specifically for the purpose of exchanging experiences and information with other people in similar industries. Also contact legal and financial experts for their advice before beginning. Hire the best accountants and lawyers you can afford. 

After doing a bit of due diligence, the next step is creating a short (yes, short) business plan and calculating your financial needs. B-plans are easier and less time-consuming than you probably think. You definitely don’t need a b-plan as thick as a phone book. I recommend 5 or 6 pages maximum, to start. As long as your business, strategy, numbers and projections are clear and realistic, you can be succinct. Business plans are important for two reasons: one, so you can be clear about your business, its mission and your financials; and two, so you can present your business in a clear and concise way to outside investors if you are looking for cash. (The 5-Step B-Plan can be found in my book Live It, Love It, Earn It or downloaded from my website liveitloveitearnit.com) My first business plan helped me clarify my goals and find an investor to invest immediate cash into my dream. Thank goodness for b-plans! 

War of the Sexes More Like War of the Wages!

Guest blog by
Source: Soroptimist International of Chicago
Submitted by: Marion E. Gold. President of Marion Gold & Co.
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog!

When American Suffragist Susan B. Anthony said, "Men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less."  She was right.  Unfortunately, 37 years after President John F. Kennedy signed the Equal Pay Act, woman still is paid less than man. Sorry Susan—looks like we have not "come a long, long way!" President Kennedy signed the Equal Pay Act in 1963, hoping it would end wage discrimination based on sex. At that time, women made 59 cents for every dollar earned by men. And, the wage gap has been closing—but at less than half a penny per year.  

Since 1960, and in 1998 dollars, the great divide between women's and men's earnings has only closed by $1,203. (Data from the Census Bureau March Current Population Survey.) About 60 percent of the improvement in the wage gap from 1979 to 1997 can be attributed to the decline in men's real earnings.  Approximately 40 percent of the closing of the gap is a result of women's better earning power. 

In 1998, women earned only 73 percent of the wages earned by men. Not much different than in 1996—except that the problem grows larger as more women and people of color enter the job market. By the year 2006, it is estimated that women and people of color will account for two-thirds of all new entrants into the workforce. Nearly 69 million women had jobs in 1998, making up 47 percent of workers 15 years and older.

Women of color experience the most severe pay inequities. Hispanic women earned only 53 cents, African-American women earned only 63 cents, and white women 73 cents for each dollar earned by a white man who faces no sex or race-based wage discrimination. Men of color also experience significant wage inequities. Hispanic men earned only 62 percent, and African-American men earned only 75 percent of the wages of white men. 

Contrary to data from the Employment Policy Foundation, The National Academy of Sciences reports that between one-third and one-half of the wage difference between men and women cannot be explained by differences in experience, education, or other legitimate qualifications. In fact, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports that for 1998, women earned more than men in only two of nearly 100 detailed occupational categories: food preparation and legal assistants. In all other categories, women still lag behind the guys. For example, women dry cleaning machine operators made 10 percent less than men operators; women accountants made 25 percent less, women in administrative support made 19 percent less, and women educators and reporters made 24 percent less.

Women in unions do a bit better, earning $166 more per week on the average than those women who were not union members. Union women also earned weekly wages that were slightly more than men who were not union members.

But don’t let those figures fool you. According to the Institute for Women’s Policy Research, although working mothers who are union members earn $1.25 an hour more than nonunion working mothers—the same women gain only about 30 cents per hour for five additional years of work experience, compared to their white men counterparts who gain $1.20 for the same number of years work experience. 

Even women who have reached the highest levels of corporate America are not immune to wage discrimination. In November 1999, a Catalyst survey of Fortune 500 top earners showed that women take home 68 cents for every dollar earned by a man.

The lifetime cost to women can be devastating. According to the Institute for Women's Policy Research, a 25 year-old woman who works full-time year-round for the next 40 years will earn $523,000 less than the average 25 year-old man will, if the current wage patterns continue. Worse, the gap widens as women mature. Among workers 16-24, the wage gap is only 91 percent; yet by age 55-64, women are earning only 68 percent of men's earnings. Lower lifetime earnings translate into lower pensions and income for women in their senior years and contributes to a higher poverty rate for elderly women.            

Are women’s choices to blame? 

While some may argue that the wage gap is a result of women's choices — mainly women taking time out of the workforce to have children —  there is much more to the story than "choice." There is no doubt that time, education and experience play a role in pay rates—but only when you compare men to men! When women enter the picture — it changes drastically. 

Here are just a few of the facts from the National Committee on Pay Equity:  

- A survey of public relations professionals shows that women with less than 5 years of experience make $29,726 while men with the same amount of experience make $48,162. For PR professionals in the 5-10 year category, women earn $41,141 while men earn $47,888. In the 10-15 year category, women earn $44,941 and men earn $54,457. In the 15-20 year range, women earn $49,270 and men earn $69,120.

- Women in the field of purchasing with 3 or fewer year’s experience earn $35,900 and men earn $47,700. For purchasers with 4-6 years experience, men earn $52,100 while women earn $38,300. Women purchasers who have 7 -10 years of experience earn $42,300 while their men counterparts earn $56,400. For those with 11- 15 years experience, women earn $43,500 and men earn $63,400.

- Among video programmers, women with advanced degrees earn 64.6 percent of the earnings of their men counterparts, and women with college degrees earn 80 percent on the dollar earned by men.

Wage discrimination is much more than a so-called "women’s issue."  

In today’s society, with the earnings of "wives" and "mothers" so essential to family support, pay equity is a "bread and butter" issue, according to a national study reported by the AFL-CIO and the Institute for Women’s Policy Research. In analyzing data from the Census Bureau and the Bureau of Labor Statistics, they jointly reported that "working families" pay a steep price for unequal pay.

Almost two thirds of the 50,000-working women who responded to the 1997 AFL-CIO survey said they provide one half or more of their families’ incomes. More than 25 percent report they are heads of households with dependent children. 

Still need convincing that pay equity is critical to this country’s economic health?  

It is estimated that America’s working families lose $200 billion of income annually to the wage gap—an average loss of more than $4,000 for each working family every year. Although some states fare better than others, a reduced wage gap does not necessarily coordinate with improved economic status for women and their families. For example, women earn the most in comparison to men in our Nation’s capitol—Washington, DC. But the primary reason is that the wages of minority men is so low.

This is bleak news when considering that working women represent the bridge out of poverty for many married couples and working families. A 1997 labor department analysis found that 7.7 percent fewer white families, 11.4 percent few African-American families, and between 9 percent and 25 percent fewer Hispanic families are poor because both husbands and wives are working. 

- If married women were paid the same as comparable men, their family incomes would rise by nearly six percent, and their families’ poverty rates would fall from 2.1 percent to 12.6 percent.

- If single women earned as much as comparable men, their incomes would rise by 13.4 percent, and their poverty rates would be reduced from 6.3 percent to one percent. 

Bottom line is that if single working mothers achieved pay equity, their poverty rates would be cut in half, according to the AFL-CIO Sorry fellas. This is not a women’s issue—it is a national issue.

Simply put, pay discrimination based on gender hurts all of us—as individuals, as families, and as a nation. Because of pay discrimination, literally hundreds of thousands of households will have less groceries, make fewer doctors visits, and have less money to put aside for retirement. Does pay equity mean setting up a national wage-setting system? Of course not! But it does mean that wages must be based on job requirements like skill and responsibility— not skin color, religious beliefs, age or gender.  Will pay equity solve every problem? Of course not! But when the day comes that wages are truly equitable, people—individuals and their families—will grow healthier, stronger and more confident. And so will our businesses and our economy! 

The facts and figures presented in this article were provided by Soroptimist International of the Americas and compiled by the National Committee on Pay Equity from the following sources: The U.S. Department of Commerce, Census Bureau;  The U. S. Department of Labor; the U. S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics; and the Institute for Women's Policy Research. 

Marion Gold is the author of two books on women in the workforce and writes frequently on women’s advocacy issues. She was recently named the Year 2000 Communicator of Achievement by the Illinois Woman's Press Association.

Financial Statistics Concerning Women Equal Pay Day War of the Sexes ..More Like War of the Wages!

Guest blog by Mary Ellen Spiegel, CFP
President/Founder, Fiscal Plus
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog!

Did you know that the average age of widowhood is 56 years old, and that 76% of married women are eventually widowed. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics,  the savings rate for single women is 1.5% compared to 2.1% for single men. And,  in the United States,  women over the age of 75 living in poverty represent the highest percentage of those of any other industrialized country. Over 70% of the United State's four million elderly poor people are women; 48% of this group are widows. Women still earn 74 cents for each dollar a man earns, which qualifies them for less Social Security and pension. The statistics speak for themselves.

The Sneaky Chef Pizza

Missy Chase Lapine
Author of The Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kids' Favorite Meals

The following make-ahead is an Orange Puree that blends excellently in pizza (and pasta) sauce, to bring a big nutritional boost to meals that usually aren't thought of as health foods.

ORANGE PUREE
1 medium sweet potato or yam, peeled and rough chopped
3 med-to-large carrots, peeled and sliced into thick chunks
2-3 tablespoons water

In medium pot, cover carrots and potatoes with cold water. Boil 20 minutes until tender. (Thoroughly cook carrots or they'll leave telltale nuggets -- a gigantic no-no for the Sneaky Chef). Drain vegetables. Puree on high in food processor with two tablespoons water, until completely smooth. Use rest of water to make a smooth puree. 
Makes about 2 cups of puree. Store in refrigerator up to 3 days, or freeze 1/4 cup portions in plastic containers.

POWER PIZZA
My kids have never noticed that I'm sneaking carrots and yams into their sauce! I mix the healthy puree right into the bottled tomato sauce, then I let the kids add the toppings. You can even prepare this pizza ahead of time without cooking it, and then refrigerate for a day or two. Simply bake when you're ready to eat. 

Makes 1 large pizza or 4 smaller pizzas:
1 store-bought pizza dough or 4 " Greek style" pocketless pitas (whole wheat preferred)
¾ cup store-bought tomato sauce
¼ cup Orange Puree (see recipe above)
1 to 2 cups low-fat shredded mozzarella cheese

Preheat oven to 400 degrees and preheat a pizza stone or spray a baking sheet with oil.
Stretch pizza dough, or roll out with floured rolling pin on floured surface, to form a pie. Transfer to stone or baking sheet. If using pocketless pitas, place them on the prepared baking sheet. Combine tomato sauce with Orange Puree. Mix well. Spread 1/2 to 1 cup of the sauce mixture across the large pizza dough (1/4 cup for each pita), then top with 1 cup of mozzarella (1/2 cup per pita). Cover and refrigerate at this point, or bake for 15 to 20 minutes until bubbly and lightly browned. Allow to cool a few minutes, then cut into triangles and serve.
© Missy Chase Lapine, all rights reserved.

CORNISH HENS WITH ROSEMARY PORT WINE & CRANBERRIES

Guest recipe by Margi Hemingway

The glazed carrots and brown rice with walnuts really go well and the rosy hue of the cranberries makes it look romantic.

2 Cornish game hens sauce:
4 Rosemary sprigs 1 ½ -2 T. flour
No-Stick spray ¾ cup rich chicken stock
Poultry seasoning 2/3 cup port wine
Old Bay seasoning ½ cup whole fresh or frozen cranberries
Parsley, for garnish salt and pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Wash and dry Cornish hens. Stuff rosemary sprigs in cavity of each hen, then tie legs together with kitchen string. Spray hens with no-stick, then sprinkle with poultry seasoning and Old Bay.

Roast at 350 for about 1 ¼ hours. After the first 20-30 minutes, baste occasionally with pan drippings. If pan is dry, add a little water. Cook until hens are nicely browned and crisp. Remove a heated platter. Remove browned rosemary sprigs and replace with fresh ones. Cover loosely with foil to keep warm.

Add flour to drippings in pan. Cook, stirring until fat and flour are starting to brown. Add stock, port wine, and cranberries. Bring to a boil and cook until thickened. Taste and if needed, add additional salt and pepper to taste.

Serve Cornish Hens on platter surrounded with cooked baby carrots, tossed in a bit of butter and sprinkled with nutmeg. Add sprigs of parsley here and there and a streak of gravy over the breast of each Cornish hen. Toss a few of the cranberries from the gravy over the carrots for color. Serve Cornish hens with sauce on side.

Good with Brown Rice, topped wit

Beef or Lamb Stock

Guest recipe by Martha Bayne
Author of Soup and Bread Cookbook: Building Community One Pot at a Time

I don’t make a lot of meat stock, but my local butcher (see page 176) gave me this pro tip: Try roasting half the bones before you brown the other half. It’s an additional step, but you’ll get more depth of flavor that way. Note that lamb has a much stronger flavor than beef—err on the side of less meat if you’re working with lamb.

INGREDIENTS MAKES 8 CUPS (2 QUARTS)

2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 large onion, roughly chopped
2 carrots, roughly chopped
2 stalks celery, roughly chopped
4 pounds beef or lamb shanks
2 pounds bones, with marrow
1⁄2 cup dry red wine
8 cups water
1⁄2 teaspoon salt
2 bay leaves

PREPARATION

Remove meat from shanks and chop into large chunks. Set aside, and then roast about half the bones on a cookie sheet until browned, if desired. 

Heat the oil until shimmering in a large, heavy-bottomed pot or Dutch oven. Add onion, carrots, and celery and sauté until soft. Transfer vegetables to a big bowl. Add meat and bones to pot in batches (don’t crowd the pot) and brown for 5 minutes per batch, or until meat is cooked relatively evenly on all sides. Remove meat and bones to bowl full of veggies.

Add wine to pot and cook, scraping gook from bottom of pot and incorporating, until liquid has reduced to about 3 tablespoons. Return meat, bones, and vegetables to pot; cover and reduce heat to low. Sweat all for about 20 minutes, until the juices run from the meat. Turn heat up to high; add water, salt, and bay leaves and bring to a boil. 

Once boiling, reduce heat to low, cover pot, and simmer at least 2 hours, longer if you like. Skim foam from surface occasionally. 

When done, strain and discard meat, bones, and vegetables. Let cool and skim fat before using.

Workplace Discrimination--Still Alive and Well

Guest post by Martha Burk
Author of Cult of Power: Sex Discrimination in Corporate America and What Can Be Done About It

I recently attended the Wal-Mart stockholder’s meeting, where I presented a resolution asking the company to disclose statistics on stock distribution by race and gender. I also admonished the company on its board of directors – only 2 women out of 14 members. That’s pretty awful for a company with close to 70% female employees and an equal percentage of female customers. It could be one reason why the firm is the subject of the largest class action gender discrimination lawsuit in history. Women up and down the line are allegedly paid less than the men, in some cases told outright that “men need to support their families.” This blatant (and blatantly illegal) justification for sex discrimination is not nearly as common now as it used to be, but other, more subtle, discriminatory practices are still rampant in the workplace.

From Wall Street to Wal-Mart, women are paid less for doing the same job as men. Female brokers at Smith-Barney filed a class action against their company in April, charging that the fat accounts always go to the guys, and so does most of the sales support. It’s well documented that even in so-called “women’s” jobs like teaching and nursing, the men who do choose those professions make more. Some like to say it’s because of the “choices” women make – choices to take time off for children, either having them or taking care of them. That may be, but women are sometimes forced into these choices by the choices that men – still at the top of almost all U.S. corporations – make. And those choices by the corporate elite just incidentally shortchange men as well, only in a different way.

Our workplaces are still structured around the idea that family responsibilities will be taken care of by someone other than the employee – he or she is expected to have unlimited hours to devote to the job. And unfortunately for both women and men, it’s the he that most often fulfills that expectation. There are a number of reasons why, but corporate culture has to be near the top of the list. Even in companies that have so-called “family friendly” policies like leave for teacher meetings, men aren’t expected to take advantage of them. And God forbid if a man should take the full 12 weeks unpaid leave allotted by law for the birth of a newborn, or want to job-share or go part time for a couple of years. What is he, some kind of wimp?

Despite all the big talk that big corporations do about valuing families, the truth is that the family they value most is the 1950s “organization man” model. Men are expected to be on duty regardless of family circumstance – what Wellesley College professor Rosanna Hertz calls the “test of manhood” at work. The test disadvantages fathers, who fear being seen as a less serious employee for choosing to spend time with their kids over extra hours on the job. And the fears are well grounded. Women have been facing that choice for years, and though it’s not seen as abnormal as it is for men, the consequences are still shocking. For women who drop out of the workforce even for a year, the penalty is a whopping 32% of total earnings for the next fifteen years. It’s no wonder in an economy that demands every penny for families to survive, fathers aren’t anxious to jump on the Daddy track and that role is usually left to Mom, who in turn suffers at work with less money and lowered opportunities.

Balancing work and family has traditionally been seen as a personal problem, one that does not concern the employer. But if corporate America wants to remain competitive, it needs to rethink what employees value, and stop giving lip service to families while giving rewards to those that pretend family doesn’t exist. Over two-thirds of fathers work more than 40 hours per week, a fourth work over 50 hours -- most because of expectations or requirements, not personal preference. If more men were allowed to take paternity leave (a mere 7% of workplaces offer it), or encouraged to use family leave (rarely taken by men, even though they’re entitled), it would start to become “normal,” meaning more acceptable. Fathers would not automatically be viewed as less dedicated or less promotable (as mothers are now) if everyone, including the boss, set the standard. This would not only give men some much-needed relief, it would level the playing field for women who now pay what some have dubbed the “motherhood tax” in the form of lower pay and fewer promotions at work. 

It’s been tried in a very few companies, with excellent results. Ernst & Young, the global consulting firm with 23,000 U.S. employees in 95 locations, added two weeks’ parental leave at full pay in 2002. In the first year, 46% of those taking the benefit were male. How did they do it? “We advertised it, encouraged it, and reminded men – from administrators to partners,” said a spokeswoman. In other words, the company validated its acceptability for fathers, and sent a message that careers and fatherhood are not mutually exclusive. If that idea caught on in the workplace generally, it could help women even more. Not only would child care be shared by many working couples, but women would lose less pay and not be stigmatized as much and seen as non-serious employees when they take advantage of family leave. After all, the men will be doing it too.

Making those great sounding “family benefits” truly meaningful in the workplace would not only help working women and men and make companies more competitive, it would help society. More time with parents equates to less time on the streets and fewer nights with only the TV as a dinner companion for kids. Role modeling for sons and daughters would be no small benefit as well. Both might grow up expecting a more balanced care-giving equation, instead of the “men own the jobs, women own the kids” model corporate America is still stuck on.
Copyright © 2005 Martha Burk