"It's Not What We Say, But What We Do" byline: Marianne J. Legato, MD, FACP and Laura Tucker

Despite the vast numbers of sonnets and songs penned in an effort to attract the attention of a beloved, scientists believe that courtship between humans happens predominantly on a nonverbal level. 

Hey, Good-Lookin' 

Physical appearance is, of course, one of the very first things we notice about one another. A male bird's beautiful, brightly colored plumage intrigues prospective mates. The same is true of humans. I recently tried to persuade a good friend that charm and charisma were the things that men eventually and ultimately responded to in a woman. "The first thing we notice," he replied, without missing a beat, "is how she looks. If we don't think she's attractive, we never even get to the charm and charisma." 

A study done in 1990 showed that women favored men with large eyes, prominent cheekbones, a large chin, and a big smile. The researchers who did the study said that these features indicated "sexual maturity and dominance." These characteristics are indicative of high levels of testosterone, which shapes the larger size and sharper contours of the male face. (Estrogen, on the other hand, is responsible for the round softness of women's faces and the extra fat in their cheeks and lips.) On some primal level, women found these very "masculine" facial characteristics attractive. Women were most attracted to men who seemed sociable, approachable, and of high social status. They also gave high marks to expensive or elegant clothing; apparently, it's not just birds who like beautiful plumage. 

Men, on the other hand, look for features that signify good health: regular features, a good complexion, and a good body. (It will perhaps interest you to learn that -- as you dreaded in junior high school -- while large breast size does influence sexual attractiveness, it does not carry a lot of weight in mate selection.) 

Another interesting observation: People choose mates with physical characteristics similar to their own (hence couples really do took alike, as dogs resemble their owners). 

Are we all just fundamental narcissists? I think it's more likely that after a lifetime of looking at ourselves in the mirror, our features and coloring seem "right" to us somehow. Maybe we choose the genetic material closest to our own, in an "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" paradigm. 

Don't Limit Your Options! 

A few months ago, I ran into a friend of mine, out for a walk with a male companion. The first thing that struck me about my friend's date was that he wasn't very handsome or well dressed. But the next things I noticed about him were his lively and intelligent eyes and the laugh lines around them. In the brief chat the three of us had on that street corner, he impressed me with how charming he was and how attentive he was to my friend. I walked away very pleased that she had found someone so appropriate. 

My friend is not a shallow person, but she clearly felt uncomfortable with the social pressure of dating someone who didn't look the way she thought her escort should. She undoubtedly knew, without my saying a word, what I had thought when I first laid eyes on him, and I wish that we were close enough for me to tell her what I thought next. I felt very sad for her when I heard they had broken up, and even sadder when she showed up at a dinner party we were both attending with a stunningly handsome man who treated her as if she were a not-very-intelligent child of 5. 

I'm no soothsayer, but I feel sure that my friend had a much better chance of happiness and laughter with the man she was with when I ran into her that day, even if she had to stoop a little to kiss him. And yet, women like her throw away great relationships all the time (or nip them in the bud before they even begin) because the man is "inappropriate" in some way -- too short, not handsome enough, not well dressed enough, not intellectual or wealthy enough, the wrong race or religion, too young or too old. 

The social pressure isn't limited to women; in fact, it may be worse for men. (There is a play right now on Broadway by Neil LaBute, painfully titled Fat Pig, about a man who, because of social pressure, is incapable of dating an overweight woman with whom he has a terrific connection. Needless to say, it ends badly, as all the classic tragedies do.) 

If there's one thing I know as a doctor, it's that you can't control other people's behavior. But if you take one piece of advice from this book, I hope it's this: Throw away all your old preconceived notions about what Prince Charming is going to look like, how old he will be, what he will wear, or what he's going to talk about at parties; it will make you much more likely to find him.

A Token of My Affection 

Psychologist Linda Mealey, PhD, of the College of Saint Benedict in Minnesota demonstrates how many of the mating behaviors of animals echo our own behavior, particularly in the use of carefully chosen objects to entice the female. 

For example, the bowerbirds of Australia collect brightly colored objects that they display for the female's consideration in a cleared area called a court. Some select only blue decorations; others collect the plumage of a rare bird of paradise. These gifts offer a female the chance to assess how good the male is at accruing resources and how well he will provide. 

In many cases, the quality of these gifts -- which are not really so different from the diamond solitaire that traditionally accompanies a marriage proposal -- can weigh heavily in a female bowerbird's decision about whether or not to mate with a given mate. We don't have to look too far to find parallels in human society as well. Indeed, many women are likely to favor the man with the resources to buy her that house in the country or the status car and jewelry she's always longed for. 

Ask any woman what's most important in a prospective mate and 9 times out of 10 she'll say "a sense of humor." It's my theory that this is another, more modern way of sniffing out his ability to accrue resources. A sense of humor takes intelligence and indicates charm: Surely these are far more useful skills in earning a good living in today's world than big pectoral muscles or a square jaw! 

Copyright © 2005 Marianne J. Legato, MD, FACP and Laura Tucker

BUY HER BOOK: why men never remember and women never forget

Moving Toward Your Fulfillment With Gestalt Therapy by Hana Dolgin

We all have dreams, aspirations and hopes for a better life. Some of us desire improved health and a more attractive physical appearance. Some, a more satisfying career and increased financial freedom. Yet others aspire to more harmonious personal relationships with loved ones.

What is the source of these wishes? Human beings have an innate drive to grow and evolve. We are naturally drawn towards our fulfillment. 

What is the source of our limitations? We are each born into this life as a unique person of tremendous potential. Our environment, including our family and culture, encourages us to express certain aspects of our natures and to repress others. Early in life, we learn to behave in ways which will gain us the approval and support of others, which are vital to our survival and development. 

By the time we reach adulthood, most of us have lost touch with the "parts" of ourselves that were not welcomed and reinforced by our environment. These "lost parts" are still within us, calling for our attention and acceptance. Sometimes, their call can take the form of problems and frustrations in various areas of our lives, as well as the appearance of physical ailments and illnesses.

In order to regain our wholeness, we need to reconnect with our true natures and develop more of our rich potential. This connection returns us to a sense of centeredness and gives us the resources we need to deal more effectively with our life circumstances. 

Gestalt Therapy is a holistic approach to personal healing and growth, which addresses all of our desires and needs -- physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Using this approach, we can access our deep inner knowledge and the wisdom of our bodies, gradually releasing the limiting self-concepts and beliefs we acquired along the way. As we allow our true natures to come to light, our lives become unique creations that express our gifts and talents, and enrich others, as well. Let us live as the rich and talented people we were born to be, orienting ourselves towards our growth and fulfillment!  

The Four CONFIDENCES or How to Build Your Confidence by Joanna Infeld

THE FIRST CONFIDENCE
The first confidence stems from the very fact of being alive—having gender, strength, the ability to run, jump, grow, dance, derive joy from one’s sexuality, from parenthood and the many stages of life. There is a natural confidence that radiates from a person when they are happy, satisfied and carefree. The symptoms of this confidence can be adopted from the outside in, so that a person can become more confident by knowingly acting the part.

The confident act may be expressed in the following many ways:
To walk tall
To smile
To speak loudly and clearly
To speak with conviction
To walk lightly on one’s feet
To hold one’s head high
To have a firm handshake
To be comfortable in one’s clothes
To look the person you are dealing with in the eye.

THE SECOND CONFIDENCE
The second confidence stems from a person’s skills and abilities. The more they can do and the more they understand, the more confidence they will radiate and be able to draw upon in their dealings with others. When I conduct a workshop on confidence I usually ask those present to write down a list of their skills and abilities—as many as they can think of, no skill being too small or insignificant. It always surprises me that the lists are short and I help the participants add to their lists by suggesting that they do have the ability to walk, speak, read, write, tie their shoelaces, eat with a knife and fork, boil an egg, read a clock, drive a car, dance—all o which had to be learned and acquired at some time in their lives. When the lists are finally ready and complete, together we remind ourselves of all the things we are able to do—we produce our own certificates which are then awarded to each person amidst applause and confirmation from the other participants. This is always a most enjoyable part of the workshop.

THE THIRD CONFIDENCE
The third confidence stems from a person knowing themselves and having access to and command of the many qualities they radiate and display.

In this part of the workshop we create a list of all possible qualities that we know and value, such as, for example, care, honesty, compassion, determination etc. We then each choose a quality and attempt to write a definition of it in our own words, according to our best understanding of that quality at that time. In this there is no right or wrong, there is simply each person’s appreciation of each quality.

We then make a word map, finding other words that by association we think of when that particular quality is mentioned. This leads to a whole web of words and phrases. For example, patience could be seen to be associated with waiting, belief, understanding, hope and tolerance. The word map is then added to by associating two other words with each of the five, so, for example, waiting can be associated with reflection and pause, belief with faith and expectancy, understanding with education and knowledge, hope with future and optimism, tolerance with equality and acquiescence. The association game can then continue with these further words being added into the picture, associating, for example, pause with suspension and break, and so on.

Having created this word map, the next tasking is to write a further sentence, phrase, paragraph, description or poem about the chosen quality, using some of the words incorporated in the word map. Using the example of patience, the new definition could be something like this: “Patience is the ability to wait for the right time and the right season—to have the vision and optimism that the future leads to new opportunities and better understanding. It is a leap of faith and an allowance to oneself and others to make the time and space to become the best they can be.”

The most fascinating aspect of this exercise is the comparison between the first definition of the quality and the second, the latter having so much more depth and dimension.

THE FOURTH CONFIDENCE
The fourth confidence arises from the fact of being born and having a spirit, and is easy to find if you add up the odds against you being the unique you that you are.

Considering the many circumstances that have come together to make it possible for each individual human to be born onto Earth, how can a person not be confident that they are meant to be here, that there is a reason and purpose for their existence and that Creation wants and needs them to be here—with their unique fingerprints, DNA and characteristics?

There is another trace that might perhaps add to a person’s confidence, if they care to add it up: depending on how old you are, the planet has supported you for as many years, providing energy, air, liquid and solid foods. It is an effective process to sit down with a calculator and attempt to add up how much you have consumed throughout your life—how many loaves of bread, chicken, cows, fish, goats, grains, vegetables and fruits, how much water, tea, coffee, milk and juice? How much air and how much energy? All this has come from the planet and she has supported each one of us throughout our life, asking for nothing in return but providing a firm foundation for our every step. Should this not give us confidence to succeed and cause us to want to pay back for our many gifts?

AND FINALLY…
The final step in the process is to bring it all together and ask the following questions:

Why would you want to have confidence? What are you confident about? Why?

Why is confidence a natural quality?

BUY HER BOOK: Rainbow Woman a/k/a 7 Ages of Woman
Watch our discussion on the number "7" http://youtu.be/8kbR3huNDYc

"The Confident Seeker" by Patricia Soldati

Self-confidence can make or break a job or career search. With it, you trust your own abilities and have a general sense of control in your life. Without it, you’re frustrated and stuck – until you learn that developing it – and keeping it – is really within your own control. 

My clients are young and older, male and female, rich and not-so-rich. They are planners, engineers, marketers, filmmakers, community activists, designers, social workers and sales managers, to name a few. Their goals range from moderate, in-place change to “just help me find a job” to significant career-change. 

As a result of this experience, one thing is abundantly clear: a diminished sense of confidence tags right along with everyone who seeks out a new opportunity or a meaningful career. It’s a nasty little irony: just when you need it most, your personal power slips right out of your grasp. 

No one is immune, even though it often feels like you are the only one who is vulnerable. Whether your search is one of choice or through the force of downsizing, or whether you hold a fancy title or not, a landing in a new job or career is intimidating for all there is to learn...the choices...the financial insecurity...and the ultimate uncertainty of all: “Will I really find what I’m looking for?” 

It chips away, making your voice weaker, your actions heavier. You wonder “Will they like me? Will they hire me? Can I continue to please my boss?" 

Lack of self-confidence is not necessarily related to lack of ability. Rather, seekers who lack confidence depend excessively on the approval of others in order to feel good about themselves. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear failure. They generally do not expect to be successful. They often put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments paid to them. 

By contrast, self-confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally trust their own abilities. They tend to accept themselves; they don't feel they have to conform in order to be accepted. 

How is Self-Confidence Developed?
Many factors affect the development of self-confidence. Parents' attitudes are crucial to a child’s sense of self-worth, particularly in the child's early years. When parents are accepting, children receive a solid foundation for good feelings about themselves. If one or both parents are excessively critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children come to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior. 

However, if parents encourage a child to moves toward self-reliance and accept and love their children when they make mistakes, he or she will learn to accept themselves and will be on their way to developing self-confidence.

Playing A Stronger Game
Does this mean this mean that, as an adult, you are doomed if you weren’t blessed with the perfect childhood?
No, of course not. It does suggest, however, the wisdom of examining any beliefs you hold that negatively influence your confidence. For example, believing that you must have approval from every significant person in your life is a perfectionist and unattainable goal. It is more desirable to develop personal standards and values that are meaningful to you and not dependent on the approval of others.
Similarly, if you wallow in “the past has done me wrong”, consider that, as an adult, you can become aware of those influences and make a choice to move beyond the ones that no longer serve you. 

7 more ways to step into your power: 

1. Develop a strong personal foundation. Clean up unfinished business that chips away at your sense of self; understand your inner gifts and talents, and articulate the values that are most important to you. 
2. Create an empowering environment. Eliminate the people and things that take your energy and power from you.
3. Let go of obligations -- even if only for a few hours. Do something that inspires you.
4. Physical self-care. This always precedes personal power. When you are feeling low physically, everything else will fall a little flat.
5. Remember a pride story. For an instant confidence boost, recall an event or an accomplishment that you are quite proud of. Ask “What inner qualities did it take for me to achieve this?” to tip the confidence scales in your favor. 
6. Give up old hurts. They keep you in victim mode.
7. Create thoughts that transform. When negative thoughts take hold, acknowledge them...and replace them with a positive affirmation.

When you tap into your personal greatness, your world opens up. It is easier to take new steps and assume risks. You are mentally, physically and emotionally expanded – which radiates to those around you. You are centered, clear-headed and able to focus on moving forward. 

Most important of all – remember that it is a process. Our confidence will rise and fall – what’s important is that you know how to gain it back.