The Four CONFIDENCES or How to Build Your Confidence

Guest blog by Joanna Infeld
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

THE FIRST CONFIDENCE 
The first confidence stems from the very fact of being alive—having gender, strength, the ability to run, jump, grow, dance, derive joy from one’s sexuality, from parenthood and the many stages of life. There is a natural confidence that radiates from a person when they are happy, satisfied and carefree. The symptoms of this confidence can be adopted from the outside in, so that a person can become more confident by knowingly acting the part.

The confident act may be expressed in the following many ways:
To walk tall
To smile
To speak loudly and clearly
To speak with conviction
To walk lightly on one’s feet
To hold one’s head high
To have a firm handshake
To be comfortable in one’s clothes
To look the person you are dealing with in the eye.

THE SECOND CONFIDENCE
The second confidence stems from a person’s skills and abilities. The more they can do and the more they understand, the more confidence they will radiate and be able to draw upon in their dealings with others. When I conduct a workshop on confidence I usually ask those present to write down a list of their skills and abilities—as many as they can think of, no skill being too small or insignificant. It always surprises me that the lists are short and I help the participants add to their lists by suggesting that they do have the ability to walk, speak, read, write, tie their shoelaces, eat with a knife and fork, boil an egg, read a clock, drive a car, dance—all of which had to be learned and acquired at some time in their lives. When the lists are finally ready and complete, together we remind ourselves of all the things we are able to do—we produce our own certificates which are then awarded to each person amidst applause and confirmation from the other participants. This is always a most enjoyable part of the workshop.

THE THIRD CONFIDENCE
The third confidence stems from a person knowing themselves and having access to and command of the many qualities they radiate and display.

In this part of the workshop we create a list of all possible qualities that we know and value, such as, for example, care, honesty, compassion, determination etc. We then each choose a quality and attempt to write a definition of it in our own words, according to our best understanding of that quality at that time. In this there is no right or wrong, there is simply each person’s appreciation of each quality.

We then make a word map, finding other words that by association we think of when that particular quality is mentioned. This leads to a whole web of words and phrases. For example, patience could be seen to be associated with waiting, belief, understanding, hope and tolerance. The word map is then added to by associating two other words with each of the five, so, for example, waiting can be associated with reflection and pause, belief with faith and expectancy, understanding with education and knowledge, hope with future and optimism, tolerance with equality and acquiescence. The association game can then continue with these further words being added into the picture, associating, for example, pause with suspension and break, and so on.

Having created this word map, the next tasking is to write a further sentence, phrase, paragraph, description or poem about the chosen quality, using some of the words incorporated in the word map. Using the example of patience, the new definition could be something like this: “Patience is the ability to wait for the right time and the right season—to have the vision and optimism that the future leads to new opportunities and better understanding. It is a leap of faith and an allowance to oneself and others to make the time and space to become the best they can be.”

The most fascinating aspect of this exercise is the comparison between the first definition of the quality and the second, the latter having so much more depth and
dimension.

THE FOURTH CONFIDENCE
The fourth confidence arises from the fact of being born and having a spirit, and is easy to find if you add up the odds against you being the unique you that you are. 

Considering the many circumstances that have come together to make it possible for each individual human to be born onto Earth, how can a person not be confident that they are meant to be here, that there is a reason and purpose for their existence and that Creation wants and needs them to be here—with their unique fingerprints, DNA and characteristics?

There is another trace that might perhaps add to a person’s confidence, if they care to add it up: depending on how old you are, the planet has supported you for as many years, providing energy, air, liquid and solid foods. It is an effective process to sit down with a calculator and attempt to add up how much you have consumed throughout your life—how many loaves of bread, chicken, cows, fish, goats, grains, vegetables and fruits, how much water, tea, coffee, milk and juice? How much air and how much energy? All this has come from the planet and she has supported each one of us throughout our life, asking for nothing in return but providing a firm foundation for our every step. Should this not give us confidence to succeed and cause us to want to pay back for our many gifts?

AND FINALLY…
The final step in the process is to bring it all together and ask the following questions:

Why would you want to have confidence? What are you confident about? Why?
Why is confidence a natural quality?

Creating New Lives

Guest blog by Joy Carol
Author of Journeys of Courage: Remarkable Stories of the Healing Power of Community

Prison. There is likely no other word that can bring to mind such frightening images: solitary confinement, overcrowded cells, bars, handcuffs. 

A prisoner told me she felt she was just a number, no longer a human being, that being behind bars was about loneliness, misery, fear. In interviews with prisoners, I've been told to survive inside you have to learn to beat the system, to become a "successful convict." 
In Dublin, Ireland, I visited Mountjoy Prison where in 150 years, murderers, political prisoners, and drug addicts have been confined. In 1984, John Lonergan became Mountjoy's governor. He introduced a humanitarian attitude towards both prisoners and staff. 

For one day, I visited with Governor Lonergan and then spent hours locked behind the metal door of the Dóchas Center of Mountjoy's Women's Prison. I admit when I heard the bang of that door locking behind me I had a moment of bone-chilling anxiety: "What am I doing here? This wasn't a good idea." Inside I was allowed to wander freely and talk with the women. I wasn't certain who was a staff or a "prisoner" as almost everyone wore civilian clothes. There was a sense of community. 
During my time inside the Dóchas Center, I heard many stories, and I learned some special lessons about healing. 

* * * * * * * * * *
A Woman in Mountjoy for Transporting Drugs: 
I've been here for three months because of drug importation. I never took drugs, believe it or not. The father of my children made me do the job. We had a bad relationship so probably if I hadn't done it, he would have murdered me. Or I might have been in here myself for murdering him. 

Everything happened so fast. I knew when I was caught I was facing a long sentence. But I hoped I would get out quickly so I could be with my children. They are small and I miss them so much. My mom looks after them, but she finds it difficult. 

Being in here has helped me. I'm starting to change my life. I've been going to school fulltime and have done computer, speedwriting, and business organization courses. I passed all the classes and will go to college soon. I'm delighted because I will go out on day release. 

The staff encourages me to do things and have been very helpful. They understand I want to have a better life. Now I'm starting to overcome some of my fears and learning about myself. I've never been in any other prison, but I hear stories about them. If I had ended up in a prison that was anything like those, I probably wouldn't have survived. So I'm grateful for this Center. 

I think this place is helping me grow up quicker than I expected and everything is going to work better from now on. I'm a lot more mature now. I'm still young, so I'll have an opportunity to get on with my life. When I get out, I will continue my education so I can get a good job and support my children. Hopefully I will get there. No, I will get there.

John Lonergan, Governor of Mountjoy Prison:
When I was appointed Governor of Mountjoy Prison in 1984, the women's prison was a dark, depressing place with an austere regime.
 
After I left Mountjoy in 1988 to serve in another prison, the B Wing at Mountjoy was refurbished for women prisoners. When I returned in 1992, I was shocked to find it was totally unsuitable for women, worse than Alcatraz - cages, steel bars. Luckily Maire Geoghegan-Quinn, the first woman Minister for Justice, took an interest in the issue and approved a new facility specifically designed for women and with women helping in its design. We were determined it would not be known as Mountjoy Women's Prison. Eventually the name "Dóchas Center" was agreed upon - "Dóchas" is "hope" in Irish. 
Before opening in 1999, staff in consultation with women prisoners, drew up a vision statement. It underpins the ethos of the Center: 

We are a community that embraces people's respect and dignity. We encourage personal growth and development in a caring and safe environment. We are committed to addressing the needs of each person in a healing and holistic way. We actively promote close interaction with the wider community. 

Many improvements took place in the Center. The women were allowed to have makeup and wear their own clothes. This allowed the women to hold onto their identity and feel better about themselves. A multidisciplinary group was established to identify the principles for the Center. The concept of community was emerging with emphasis placed on caring rather than containing women. 

It's difficult for people to develop in an atmosphere of mistrust. Unfortunately the philosophy of prison is usually based on mistrust, thus the bars on windows, the handcuffing. One morning a woman was escorted to the hospital in handcuffs. I wondered if we were handcuffing people because of a risk that they might run away or they were a security danger or to reinforce the belief they were bad. When discussed with staff, there were questions about authority and the repercussions if women escaped. Eventually using handcuffs was based on security and safety factors. Now women go to hospitals or courts without handcuffs. This has resulted in an improvement in relationships between staff and the women. 

The Center was designed for community style living without the normal institutional atmosphere of cellblocks. We opted for house units to reflect normal living facilities. There are six houses each accommodating seventy-five women in single rooms with complete sanitation and showering facilities. Each house faces a courtyard and has a communal kitchen and dining room. The gates are open except for the main external one. The women move around freely within the Center and they're not shackled. They experience a sense of trust and freedom even within institutional constraints. They feel happier, and they are more open to education, counseling, and other opportunities. 

We have also tried to eliminate the excessive noise, rattling of keys, banging of gates, shouting. Initially the women shouted at each other and at the staff. But they have learned that things can get done by speaking normally, without aggression or abusive language. 
We hold events to promote "community". Women who have taken examinations are presented with certificates. We stage drama productions with the entire cast drawn from the prisoner population. Every Christmas a communal dinner is held involving staff, befrienders, and the women. We arrange for their children to come. There is much sadness when the children leave. On such occasions, the punishment element of prison strikes home. People don't realize that sadness is a reality of prison. The women are often very sad about the hurt they have caused others, their own loss of freedom, their separation from their children, and their lives of misery. 

Most of the women come from the lowest socioeconomic groups. They are financially and materialistically disadvantaged, and they are poverty stricken in ways such as education, emotional and psychological development, mental state. Many have been abused emotionally, psychologically, physically and sexually. Society doesn't understand how damaging such environments are for those who are forced to live in them. A high percentage is addicted to drugs and alcohol. They are often insecure and have low self-esteems. Most are unaware of their talents and potential. 

To build up the women's self-esteem and development, the Center has a variety of programs. The education unit provides a wide variety of subjects and work-training programs enabling women to re-enter the formal educational system. The welfare service helps them address personal and family problems; chaplains provide spiritual, supportive services; outside befrienders visit on a regular basis; a comprehensive healthcare service is provided; a catering service prepares balanced diets; family visits are facilitated in a comfortable visiting area. Those who work here accept the women as they are, encourage them to use their time as well as possible, and assist them in achieving their potential. 
Often society labels prisoners as being dangerous, useless, and "all the same". But, they are all unique individuals. I can truly say I've never met anyone in prison who was totally bad. I've always found a redeeming feature, some element of humanity, of goodness. They may have been overwhelmed with their dark side, but there was always some light. We are all human beings with the potential to do good and bad. Perhaps some of us are better able to control our dark side. 

We believe in promoting the good in people, giving them an opportunity to do something positive, and supporting them in that. In the process, we help them develop their humanity. If we only emphasize the bad in people we will get more badness out of them. Prisoners need to experience respect simply because they are human beings. Unfortunately, the poor, homeless, addicted, and imprisoned rarely experience respect. They are the people who need it most. But they are rejected and ostracized. Being locked in prison, prisoners have already been judged by the courts and been punished for their crimes. By leaving the judging outside the gate, we can respond to them in a more helpful way. Most people in prison actually feel badly about what they've done. They may appear to be hard-hearted and uncaring, but that's not often true. 

The changes we are making at the Dóchas Center are empowering for the women, but they are not always popular with the general public. The popular notion is that prisoners should be treated like "scum", but if we want prison to help prisoners change and move away from their lives of crime, we must treat them as human beings. 

Has the Dóchas Center made a difference? Of course it has. A chaplain described the changes that had taken place during his time here as a miracle. In the old system, the prisoner was nothing but a number. In the Center we try to understand the person, we involve them in decisions that affect their lives, and we treat them as fellow human beings. They respond positively and many have already done themselves proud. Every human being, young or old, rich or poor, needs to be loved and accepted as they are, warts and all. We are determined that the women in the Dóchas Center are not regarded as the Least, the Last and the Lost. 

* * * * * * * * * *
I will always remember my day in the Dóchas Center - a place of hope. I felt like I had been given a priceless gift. I learned a great deal about believing in people's innate goodness, about not making judgments regarding people considered to be "unworthy criminals", about valuing and treating all people with kindness and respect. 
Like the women in the Dóchas Center, we don't want to be stereotyped or labeled or abused. We desperately want to be trusted and embraced in a place of hope. And we too yearn to be treated as though we are valuable people with great worth. 

As I left the Dóchas Center, I heard the heavy metal door slide open that allowed me to leave the prison. It occurred to me that just by accident of birth I was not staying behind as one of the prisoners. Because I was born into a privileged class and culture, I will probably always have the freedom to step from one world into another - something the women in the Center and in prisons and correctional facilities around the world may never have. As the door banged shut behind me, I vowed to treat people with dignity and respect - especially those who have been disadvantaged by the misfortunes of poverty, cruelty and abuse. 
* * * * * * * * * *
Adapted from Joy Carol's newest book

Valentine Tips

Guest blog by Dr. Jane Drew

Start practicing these tips now and create your best Valentine's Day ever!  And if you're
not in an intimate relationship right now, these tips will be priceless when you are. 

1. Little Things Are Big
Everyday kindnesses build good will in a relationship. Here are examples of thoughtful acts: pouring a cup of coffee, opening a door, clearing the table, saying "thank you," noticing small changes, smiling, looking directly at your partner, etc. Do these things often. You will feel wonderful because you're being generous to your loved one and he or she will feel cared for. These "little" things increase the size of your emotional bank account! 

2. The Magic of Touch
The largest organ of our body is our skin. Something magical and primal happens when we are touched with care -- we feel loved and connected. Remember to put your hand on top of her hand, put your arm around his waist. Just as passionate kisses convey your attraction, gentle kisses on the cheek convey tenderness. Holding hands, foot and back massages, a pat on the leg are demonstrations of your caring. S*e*x is a way to feel both deeply bonded and restored from the stresses of life. 

3. Look for the Best in Your Mate or Date
Studies show that in good marriages a person tends to have an overall, very positive concept of their partner. For example, when a man is rated on various strengths and qualities by his friends and by his wife, the happy wife rates the husband higher than the friends rate him. Look for and focus on the things you love and value in your mate. It makes everything better!

4. Keep the Foundation Strong
There is no doubt about it; we all live very busy lives these days. It's easy to let work, children, the house, the Internet and social engagements fill up every waking moment. However, if you want your relationship to stay strong, you must carve out time for one-on-one time together. How can you do this? You could take fifteen minutes to talk and connect when you both get home from work. You could have a weekly date night, go for a walk, play a game, or sit and talk by the fireplace. But you must keep the foundation strong or, without noticing, the house could weaken and crumble. 

5. Make It Safe
Both partners need to feel safe when they speak. When people are upset, this isn't easy... but here's a plan for how to listen and be heard. Agree to have one person be the listener and the other the speaker. The speaker shares his frustration a few sentences at a time. The listener repeats back only what the speaker has said. The listener keeps asking, "Is there anything more?" until the speaker is completely finished. Then trade places where the listener becomes the speaker. This helps both people slow down and feel understood. Both of you can then see
the other person has a different, but valid point of view.

6. Don't Assume - Check It Out
It is easy for all of us to see a behavior, hear certain words and assume what our partner meant by it (and usually it's not good!) I suggest that you check out with your partner what he meant rather than assuming he didn't call because he didn't care. Try saying something like this (in a calm tone): "I noticed you didn't call last night when you said you would. I felt
disappointed because I wanted to talk and connect. Would you tell me what happened?" 


7. Really Know Your Partner
Everyone wants to be known and loved for who they are -especially by their loved ones. To learn about your mate, pay attention to the details! Know his joys, likes, dislikes, fears and stresses. Find out about and remember the major events in her life. Know how he likes his coffee; know her favorite TV show. Pay attention to how he feels about his boss. One excellent way to get to know your partner is by playing a game called Let's Connect! (See information below.) Each of the eighty cards in this game has two or more questions or mini games... you'll have fun and know your partner much better.

8. No Criticism - No Blame
I've never met anyone who doesn't feel hurt by criticism; it's the human condition. So what can we do when we're frustrated? Stuffing our feelings in doesn't work either! Use this method: "When you... I feel..." In the "when you..." say what the person has said or done. In the "I feel..." use I-statements and talk about the feelings that came up for you -- feelings such as sad, hurt, frustrated, lonely. You are being vulnerable and letting your partner know what is going on with you. The purpose is to inform and become closer. You can also ask for what you want - just make sure it's not a demand (demands just don't work!)

9. Stay Connected
Being loved and connected is easy during pleasant and good times; yet it's even more important during hard times. The connection can be lost when we feel hurt, get too busy or bored. The "silent treatment" erodes connection. Notice when there's a disconnect, then do or
say something to reconnect. Use the speaker/listener method in #3 to ensure safety. If you are upset and need some time away, say, "I need to go out for a walk, but I will be back in 2 hours. I'll come find you and we can talk then." Your partner then feels connected and knows you'll be back to work it out. 

10. Create Your Own Rituals
Couples need a sense of shared meaning. Rituals are a great way to feel a sense of belonging and create meaning. The family gathering every Sunday for dinner is an example of a ritual. Create your own family traditions and customs for holidays. Toasting a loved one with a glass of champagne can be a birthday ritual. I suggest daily rituals with your partner. For example, hug and kiss before you leave for work. Every night before you go to sleep, you could ask each other, "What was the best part of your day?" 

Weaving the Fabric of Our Friendships

Guest blog by Joy Carol
Author of The Fabric of Friendship: Celebrating the Joys, Mending the Tears in Women's Relationships

Have you ever lost a friend and didn't have a clue what happened? Have you and a friend had a disagreement that got blown out of proportion and suddenly you no longer talked to each other? Have you been shocked when a friend stopped communicating with you? At some time, most of us will experience a complication or miscommunication with a friend that may leave a scar on our hearts.

Alice and Ginger were inseparable best friends as they grew up. But when they were in their 40s, they had a conflict that tore their friendship apart. "Ginger and I were very close; we shared secrets and problems," explained Alice. "Not a week went by that we didn't talk. Then Ginger started acting strange. When I sent her e-mails, she didn't answer. If I called and asked to have lunch, she said she was busy and would get back to me. But she didn't.

"One day in the supermarket, I saw Ginger: 'I'm confused about what's going on. Is something wrong?' She just shrugged her shoulders and walked away. Over the next weeks, she ignored me. I finally reached her on the phone and was told we were no longer friends that she didn't want me around. I had no idea what had happened. Eventually I gave up on our friendship, but it was devastating. It left an enormous hole in my life." 

Undoubtedly this kind of break is very painful, especially if one friend decides to end the relationship without providing an opportunity to discuss what happened, what was misunderstood, or what could be changed. Losing a friendship can be as upsetting as experiencing the death of someone close to us. Yet, we rarely speak about it, nor do we feel comfortable discussing how we might deal with such losses. 

Sometimes when a friendship ends, we feel guilty, as if we did something wrong. We may pretend that the break never occurred. If someone notices and asks us what happened, we nervously answer, "we had a disagreement." And, like Alice, we try to change the subject. 

In contrast, when a relationship with a spouse or a lover ends, it's expected that we talk about it and cry about our pain. We're allowed to complain openly about the problems of infidelity, financial troubles, alcohol or drug abuse, and any other difficulties that caused the relationship to end. If we turn on our radio to a popular station, we hear songs about sweethearts getting away, about broken hearts scattered on the road of love. But such is not the case with friendship. Why is it so different? 

In strong friendships, we feel accepted, supported, and loved. These relationships are enjoyable and beneficial. Often, however, the experience of friendships can be confusing and complicated. They can be encouraging or debilitating, trusting or disloyal, joyful or painful. It's baffling that some friendships have the power to sustain people even more than their families do, while others can devastate and destroy.

When friendships shatter, there are other dimensions to consider. Possibly we feel grateful, even flattered, when people choose us as friends. So when a non-obligatory, non-family relationship ends, we may feel like a failure. Perhaps we believed friendships were less complicated and more stable than family or love-related relationships. Consequently, if we reveal that our friendships have ended, we are admitting that we drove our friends away because they saw our defects. Thus, talking about an "ex-friend" causes us to feel vulnerable and inferior.

Usually friendships develop because of shared interests or common values. We choose friends because they appeal to us or they represent the person who we long to be. So when we find someone we think will be our "special friend," it's an exciting and stimulating time. We hope the relationship won't be burdened with problems, and it's only natural that we expect our friend to be supportive, reassuring, and dependable. Consequently we endow friendships with a naïve and unrealistic trust that friends will be available to us as long as we need them. 

But there is no real basis for thinking friendships should last forever. In reality, there are many reasons why they end. For starters, friendships are just as complicated as family or love relationships. Unspoken feelings and needs, envy, competition, personal ambition, unresolved anger, and lack of boundaries can easily wreak havoc on relationships. Friends do move away emotionally and physically from each other into realms of life that might not be familiar or comfortable for both people. Occasionally we discover that our friends are totally different than the people we thought we knew. Sometimes our friends-or we ourselves-find something new and more exciting than what the friendship has to offer and move on. The reasons are myriad.

Without a doubt, the disintegration of a friendship can be painful and sometimes devastating. This loss can leave an empty space in our lives that is difficult to fill. It's unlikely that we'll find another person with the same temperament, personality, even the imperfections, that attracted us and brought about our relationship. 

However, it is possible and beneficial for us to learn how to have healthier relationships, so we won't run the risk of being disappointed, disillusioned, or hurt. Karen, a medical technician in her mid-twenties, explains how this can happen. "Isabel and I met in college and became close buddies; we had so much in common. We laughed and cried our way through boyfriends, exams, graduate work. We were always there supporting each other. We pledged to speak honestly with one another, even when it was difficult.

"At one point, I felt like Isabel wasn't there for me, that she had let me down. But I didn't want to tell her that she had hurt me. I wasn't accustomed to telling women anything negative. Soon I started drifting away from Isabel. I imagined how I would 'punish' her by leaving her. Then I came to my senses. I didn't want to lose her, because she had been a wonderful friend for a long time. How could I replace her friendship? 

"For a while, I avoided saying anything to Isabel. I was afraid I might say the wrong thing and make matters worse. Finally I realized how important it was for us to talk about what had happened and to work things out. So I got the courage to speak with her. I tried not to make her feel defensive, not to accuse her of letting me down, but to tell her that I felt let down. 

"Isabel was more open than I thought she would be. In fact, she was relieved that I opened the door to resolving our problem. This encounter actually strengthened our relationship. Now we're more willing to express concerns and air problems that come up rather than let them simmer under the pretense that all is well. I'm confident that in the future we will share openly our feelings and needs. Certainly my unwillingness to say what I felt almost caused our friendship to fail. I doubt we will ever be in danger of that happening again."

As Karen and Isabel's story points out, developing reliable, workable relationships requires a great deal of effort, courage to be honest, patience, and compassion-for our friends and ourselves. If we add doses of maturity and wisdom to the mix, we will be on our way to more satisfying friendships.

To enrich or improve the quality of our relationships, it's helpful if we recognize and understand what makes friendships more wholesome. Although there are many components that make up an authentic relationship, these three are especially important: 
1. Know and accept ourselves for the people we are
2. Be realistic about what "friendships" are
3. Learn to communicate our needs and feelings in healthy ways

1. Know and accept ourselves for the people we are

To have solid friendships, we first start by becoming familiar and comfortable with ourselves. Self-awareness and self-esteem are key ingredients in all relationships. If we know who we are, either we are satisfied with our own resources and talents, or we can try to improve and enhance them. When we have positive feelings about ourselves, we won't frantically cling to relationships for our self-worth. 

Another valuable benefit of self-acceptance is that we are less sensitive and defensive about criticism, disapproval, negative comments, or rejection. Small problems roll more easily off our backs, and we aren't as emotionally concerned about how we are perceived. We can recognize if harsh comments aimed at us are deserved or if they are misdirected or projected from someone's negative feelings about themselves. 

When we feel comfortable with ourselves, we can laugh at some of our silly reactions and less-than-wise endeavors. An "armor" of humor can protect us from a lot of anguish and grief while giving joy to others. 

2. Be realistic about what "friendships" are

Like life itself, friendships and friends are not perfect nor are they consistent; they have both good and bad qualities. When we know and accept ourselves, we are able to let go of unreasonable assumptions about what friendships should be, and we can appreciate friends for who they are with their strengths and weaknesses. Often what we want to believe is a "friend" really isn't, and it's difficult to determine whether someone is a real friend. True friends are there through good and bad times; they accept us when we aren't our best; they easily handle changes in our relationship; and they are open to talking over things that go awry. Some "friends" are women we've grown accustomed to having around, even though they might not be very caring or supportive. Others are essentially givers of pain and negative energy, but we still think of them as "friends." We need to examine this last category and decide whether to move on. 

Another unrealistic expectation is that our "best friend" can be all things for us. But that's not possible, nor healthy. No one friend, sister, spouse, or parent can be everything for anyone. Often women are disappointed and sometimes dumped, because a "best friend" couldn't meet their needs. Having a variety of friends will keep us more balanced and help us meet our diverse needs. As in every aspect of life, it's better not to put all our eggs in one basket. After all, most friendships do end at some time. Friends move, die, become ill, or get involved in all-consuming activities or relationships that don't allow time for us. So cultivating new friends is a good strategy.

By evaluating and recognizing friendships for what they are, we will find that some relationships are worth putting energy into and others are not worth pursuing. Occasionally no matter what we do, friends exit our lives without our ever knowing why. Such ex-friends may not be brave or mature enough to explain their reasons. Rather than stewing about that or endlessly struggling to reclaim the friendship, it's better to cut our losses and move on. With a more realistic perspective about friendship, we can approach relationships in a wholesome manner and enjoy them for what they truly are.

3. Learn to communicate our needs and feelings in healthy ways

Women who have self-worth are more capable of being truthful about their needs and feelings. Many women, out of their desire to be accepted, appear confused about what they want or need. They say what they think others want to hear. If we inform friends who we are and what our limits are, they likely will enjoy and respect the authentic us more than the counterfeit one. Also we can steer clear of being used by stating a firm no rather than a wishy-washy yes. Of course, we too need to respect our friends' limits and needs.

On the other hand, we may miss opportunities for growth, because we are too easily hurt. The potential to learn something about ourselves can be blocked by overreacting to critical comments or being thin-skinned. If we can openly consider our friends' suggestions and criticisms, we may learn something about ourselves. 

Although airing problems may seem risky, it's better than heading down the road of failed friendships. Talking about difficulties in non-accusatory tones and clarifying misunderstandings without inflicting guilt are healthy ways to resolve complications. Relationships become more workable when we use straightforward words that communicate what we mean rather than "beating around the bush." Friends appreciate not having to guess what we're saying. However, whenever we speak frankly, kindness should be practiced. Brutal honesty is cruel and damaging-and unnecessary. 

Finally, as singer Janis Joplin said, "Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got." If we know and accept ourselves, are realistic about what "friendships" are, and clearly communicate our needs and feelings, we will have stronger, more wholesome friendships. 

Seven Types of Men to Avoid if You Are Looking for a Mate

Guest blog by June Marshall
Author of The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware!
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Where Have All the Good Men Gone?

If you are an intelligent, independent woman looking for a relationship with a man, it takes patience to find someone you can respect, whose heart is open to you, and you can be with without driving you up the wall.

Good mate-material is out there. But, while you are looking, don't waste your time and money on The Dirty Seven.

Underlying Problem: The underlying problem with The Dirty Seven is a kind of selfishness that makes them incapable of giving your needs fair play. They lack empathy (the ability to put themselves in your shoes).

Who are these Guys?

Don't give up your freedom and happiness for these guys. They will always put you and your needs second or last. Read on to see who they are and what you can do about them.

1. ScarMan: Talks continuously about his ex and the past, to the exclusion of everything else, including you. You feel like saying, "Hello! You are out with me!"

If you want to feel first in a man's heart, throw ScarMan back on the dating beach.

2. SideMan: Married or living with someone but looking for some excitement on the side, with no intention of creating a real relationship. 

Walk away and don't look back. He wants to use you. If it takes a lie, he will lie to get what he wants, without a thought for the pain he causes.

3. CrazyMan: Has so many quirks, a hospital wing of psychotherapists couldn't figure him out. He'll drive you nuts if you give him a long-term try.

4. GuyMan: Likes guys better than girls but pretends to be straight. The fact that he is lying to you about it is what makes him one of The Dirty Seven.

Let him go on his journey of discovering his true identity without you.

5. YAPpie: (Young And Poor) have the benefit of youth on their side but not much else: No money and no job prospects. You pay for everything and drive him around too.

Do less for him. He is a species of parasite that survives by living off of women and will move on.

6. OLMan: (Old Loser Man) is the YAPpie, grown older but not wiser. He has not provided for his future. He is looking to you to do that for him. He was lazy, selfish, and clueless in his youth and has remained the same in his old age.

Do not get involved with him until you find out where and how he lives. Go there with him. If he is penniless, especially beware of how he lives.

7. BagMan: Difficult children from different marriages some of whom live with him, multiple alimony payments, and lots of bitterness over past woes are just some of the baggage this man brings to the relationship. 

Give up on him before you are left holding the bag.

Good Guys

Good guys are out there and are worth taking the time to find. The good mate thinks about the "us" before he thinks about himself. The relationship is foremost in his life and he shows you that it is. His life is not about his miserable self, self, self and he wants to do something to make things better in the world instead of being a drain on the system.

He takes care of himself because he has self-respect. Money is not what motivates him. His heart guides him. He lives his life with passion and is not a wound-licking victim or an ego-driven control freak. He understands the territory of love and shares it with you. He appreciates and respects you and you feel a warm glow of happiness when you think of him. He is the exact opposite of all of the Dirty Seven:

· The un-ScarMan: He is not stuck in the past and is here with you, now. He wants to learn about you because he is interested.
· The un-SideMan: He is devoted to you and not lots of chicks on the side. He puts his whole heart into your relationship.
· The un-CrazyMan: He has enough reference in reality to be able to share your world with enthusiasm. He is balanced and rational.
· The un-GuyMan: He is honest about his sexuality and loves you because you are a woman with a woman's body.
· The un-YAPpie: He can support himself and does not expect you to be a Sugar Mama. He has plans and goals for what he wants from life and how he wants to contribute to others.
· The un-OLMan: He has had a life vision and continues to work on it, even when he is up in years. He can support himself and stays young-at-heart, though he has the wisdom that comes with age and experience.
· The un-BagMan: He might have some baggage, as everyone who has lived has, but he does not inflict it on you so that it takes over your life. He has handled it cleanly and fairly so that it does not keep coming back to haunt him and you.

The Open Profile...How To Turn A Browse into A Click...online dating

Guest blog by Judsen Culbreth
Author of The Boomer's Guide to Online Dating: Date with Dignity 

The opening profile is your first and perhaps most important dating tool. Learn how to avoid the mistakes made by 90 percent of searchers and create a profile that captures your strong points and stands out from the crowd. 

User Name

Every word counts in your opener, including your user name. Save Susan6134 for your office or home computer. Your dating "handle" should be anonymous yet descriptive. One study of perceptions in cyberspace demonstrated that selective nicknames or handles influence the impressions others develop of the person using them. These little words count! 

What two or three words fit you to a tee? 

You might want to zero in on an activity or interest, like I did with my online ID, GolfNut. Or consider HappyHiker, NauticalGal, OutdoorLover, WalkingWoman, LineDancer, HistoryBuff, BirderChick, BridgeBelle, or HookedonBooks. 

You may have a fascinating profession to brag about, as did PaleoGal, ArtLady, and Novelist53. Or you may possess intriguing physical attributes, like NordicBlondeBuddy, Blondie, Green-eyedLady, OleBlueEyes, SunnySmiles, Dimpled&Adorable, PolishednPretty, CuteRedhead, and Brown-eyedGal. 

Personality might be your strong suit: HeartofGold, Warm&Lively, ThoughfulLady, Friendly&Affectionate, GreatListener, Spirited&Sensitive, CozyCharmer, FunFran, HappyGal, SueIsNice, SweetnShy. Good, honest humor also gets noticed. I chuckled when I read the refreshing MiddleageOverweightSchoolmarm. 

Banner Headline (Subject Line) 

Most sites have a banner headline with the profile -- a six- to 12-word phrase that offers you a second chance to grab attention and sell yourself. Notice the emphasis on yourself. Don't use this important real estate to describe the person you're looking for. He will find you if you do your selling job. 

Put modesty aside for 15 minutes and jot down your wonderful attributes. If you find that difficult to do, think about how good friends would describe you. What's it like to be with you? Don't guess; ask them. Friends can offer a fresh perspective and may be much more objective about you than you are. 

In your collection of compliments, be sure that there are adjectives emphasizing your joy and vitality -- "love to laugh," "crazy about fishing." At this stage, what attracts is a happy, healthy person who's warm and open to men, and has enthusiasm about life. Here are some more examples: 

PLAYFUL PETITE REDHEAD
LIVE WIRE SEEKS SPARKS
CUTE LADY WHO LOVES HOCKEY
GOOD COOK AND CUDDLER
HAVE YOU HAD YOUR GIGGLE TODAY? 
LET'S HAVE FUN
ATTRACTIVE. ADVENTUROUS. ADORABLE. 
TRAVEL GAL WANTS A PAL

You'll notice that good banner headlines are positive, interesting, and humorous. They keep things light. Donna Frank of Nashua, New Hampshire, attracted now-husband Eric's attention with her headline, "Modern-Day Elaine Seeking Her Seinfeld." 

On the other hand, banner headlines that spook guys are heavy and hostile. Don't make these mistakes: 

Asking too much too soon. Imagine writing a résumé in which you told your prospective employer that you were looking for lifetime employment with a guarantee of happiness. That would be an absurd request from someone you'd never met. Equally absurd are similar banner headlines, such as HUSBAND WANTED, SHARE MY SOUL, or SPEND THE NEXT 20 YEARS WITH ME. So are ones that ask a perfect stranger to be perpetually amusing: EXCITE ME or GIVE ME A LIFETIME OF LAUGHTER. These remind me of the Seinfeld episode in which New York Mets' first baseman Keith Hernandez asks Jerry to help him move. "I hardly know the guy," Jerry protests, and rightly so. Only someone you're very intimate with should be asked to do such heavy lifting. 

Sounding too sexy. You don't want to come across as a cyber-tramp with headlines such as CHECK OUT ROOTY TOOTY BOOTY, LET'S MAKE MISCHIEF, PASSIONATE WOMAN, or 1SEXY LADY NEEDS NAUGHTY GUY. You may be flooded with e-mail, but not the kind you want.

Sounding too romantic. You'll seem naive and vulnerable if you opt for headlines such as SEARCHING FOR MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. Also trite and overused: MR. RIGHT, MR.. WONDERFUL, THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE, ONE IN A MILLION, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, HEARTTHROB, PRINCE CHARMING. 

Picking on men. Many women, perhaps inadvertently, allow male bashing to creep into their banner headlines. Okay, maybe in the past you were burned by men, but you need to decide now whether you want to date 'em or hate 'em. If you want a fresh start with an online romance, note that stereotyping men as dishonest and irresponsible is not an attraction magnet. The hostility repels the good guys as well as the bad. Men like women who like men. Check your banner headline for these kinds of subtle or outright hostile put-downs: ARE YOU ONE OF THE NICE GUYS?; BE HONEST; NO HEAD GAMES; NO JERKS ALLOWED; NO CRAZIES, PLEASE; R U NORMAL?; NO MORE B-S! 

Short Personal Profile

It's less than 100 words -- sometimes as few as 25 -- but this descriptive paragraph needs to convey the experience of you. A good way to accomplish that is to divide the profile between your physical description and personality, keeping in mind the two questions you need to answer in this short space: What am I like? What is it like to be with me? Here are a few tips to get you started. 

Physical
Tell the truth. Some sites require you to disclose height, weight, and age right up front. If you've been fudging for a while and can get away with shaving a few pounds or years, you might be okay. But any experienced online dater will warn you that you're risking wrath when you lie. Clever explanations and apologies will not earn you forgiveness if you've wasted someone's time by misrepresenting yourself. When the 50-SOMETHING TENNIS CHAMP I agreed to meet turned out to be 72, the sweet bouquet he brought didn't keep me from leaving soon after our handshake. He'd insulted me by lying. 

There's no reason to lie about your age. Why compromise your credibility when so many online searchers will treasure the years you're trying to hide? Preview sites specifically for Boomers. The big sites, such as Match.com, Yahoo! Personals, or Matchmaker, also have millions of mature browsers and are experiencing double-digit growth in our demographic group. 

Jim Fischer, who started his online search at 49, listed "someone my own age" as his number one criteria. "I was married for seven years to a Gen Xer who was 15 years younger than me," he says. "What a disaster! Her cultural references began with the movie Sixteen Candles and ended somewhere around Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I wanted someone on my level, someone without a tongue ring or tattoos and who could answer, 'Where were you when President Kennedy was assassinated?'"

There's also no reason to lie about your weight. Maybe you won't attract the guy who wants a perfect size six. Don't worry about him. You don't need to appeal to everyone. Set your sights on the person you really want to meet. Get his attention by describing yourself in flattering terms, such as BBW (big, beautiful woman), voluptuous, or sensuous size 16. 

When Jim linked to Stephanie, now his wife, "we were both toting some extra pounds," he says. "That's called, 'you get older and you put on weight.' It's just life." 

Use colorful language and humor. Instead of "tall," how about saying you're "long-legged"? The latter creates a more sensual mental picture, like Lauren Bacall showing off her great gams in To Have and Have Not. Instead of "brown hair with highlights," don't you think it would be more fun to meet a "nearly blonde dazzler"? 

The Age Issue
Contrary to popular belief, most mature men don't want a younger woman. Statistically, they tend to marry women close to their own age. But women who age well or look young for their age seem to have the odds in their favor. In his study of marriage-minded men, author and image consultant John Molloy reports that a majority of men over 40 want a woman who is "going to stay in shape, keep her figure, and pay attention to her appearance." Molloy's survey, the subject of his book Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others, also found that "half the men over 40 who have dated, lived with, or married much younger women would hesitate to do so again."

Personality

Share your interests. The way you spend your leisure time is one of the best indicators of your personality and values. (If you've been too busy for hobbies, you may want to consider rounding out your life.) Write down the activities that show both your playful and serious sides. 

Notice the balance in these short profiles: 

"My smile is contagious and so is my energy. I'm a gym rat, chess player, and volunteer community gardener, and I read all the historical fiction I can get my hands on. Let's laugh together . . ." 

"I've built the kind of life where I can travel and have a good time. I try to walk every morning, and love trips where I trek around the countryside. I think that's the best way to really see things up close, and I can take time to enjoy a magnificent view, whether I just stumble across it or admire it during lunch at a roadside café." 

Notice the lack of balance in this one: 

"Sometimes I spend too much time at work and leave out the relaxing pleasures of mowing the lawn and weeding the garden."

Appeal to your target audience. One of the fundamental rules in sales and marketing is to know to whom you're selling. In this instance, your goal is to appeal to a member of the opposite sex. The key word here is opposite. My gorgeous friend Marion wondered why she wasn't getting e-mail. Here's the line from her opening profile that killed her chances: "My favorite activity is shopping!!! I love clothes." This would be a great hook if she were hoping to land a woman friend. But in my experience, if you give a man a choice between shopping and having a root canal, the latter has a better chance of winning. (The exception, of course, would be helping a woman pick out a bathing suit -- lots of male volunteers there.) 

Too much domesticity can also turn off men. You're not applying for the job of cook, maid, or nanny. Clean out language that pigeonholes you as a housebound Heloise. Check, for example, that your list of activities includes more than cooking, gardening, needlepoint, crafts, and yard sales. You want to appear dynamic in a number of spheres. 

This profile shows symmetry between domesticity and romance: 

"I cook very well, especially if you'll share a good wine and talk with me while I'm marinating the steaks." 

This one reaches domestic nirvana from a man's point of view: 

"I am a very happy, low-maintenance person who enjoys simple pleasures like barbecuing on my deck as I watch the sun set over the golf course."

Offer specific, telling details. Most adults enjoy dinner, movies, music, and travel. It's the distinguishing detail that will catch the eye of your compatible partner. If nothing tastes better to you than a cold beer and a hot dog at the ballpark, say so. (Boy, will you get e-mail!) If you've seen every single Steven Spielberg movie, let the other Spielberg fans know. Tout your uniqueness and expertise with specifics: 

"I was brought up on the Sound and know the waters south of Boston down to City Island pretty well." 

Demonstrate what you're describing: 

"Great sense of humor (think Robin Williams -- only calmer)." 

Or, as Eric Frank had Donna giggling: 

"My friends think I'm funny (I love my friends)." 

One detail you don't want to disclose in the opening profile is information on your family. Keep the first impression focused on you. No distractions -- even lovable ones -- just yet. Save the introduction to your family for the questionnaire or first date. Here's how bringing up the family too early can backfire: 

If you write: He'll Think: 
I have two daughters who are the love of my life. I'll never come first. 
Here's a photo of me with me sister in Paris. Every year we take a wonderful vacation together. This sister is going to hate me stepping in. I see trouble. 
My favorite place to relax is at my family's home in Connecticut. Uh-oh. Wonder what they're like. 

Avoid the negative. I believe honesty is the best policy -- but not the despairing, soul-baring kind of honesty evident below. Would you respond to these women or flee? 

"I'm tired of sitting at home waiting for Mr. Right to knock at my door, and I hate those singles bars. All my friends are married, and I feel like the third wheel. I need a life." 

"I haven't worked in a while because I was badly injured when I fell down a flight of stairs. While I was recovering, I had to cope with a divorce. But now I'm ready for someone who can make me smile again." 

No man in his right mind would want to shoulder that kind of burden. Guys are not online to do a rescue mission. 

Demands can backfire, too. They turn off all men because they make you seem hard to please and testy. Don't say what you don't want. 

"Don't answer this if you're not a gentleman." 

"Game players need not apply!" 

"I only want to hear from someone who wants to make a commitment." 

A more positive approach would be: 

"I would like to meet a friend who also likes to walk for exercise." 

Defensiveness is another form of negativity. There's no need to feel bashful or ashamed about going online. Millions of smart, attractive people -- including the men who'll be scanning your profile -- have made cyber-dating a socially acceptable option. Congratulate yourself that you're healthy, confident, and savvy enough to take control of finding a loving relationship. Don't waste time and valuable words on apologies like these from . . .

The virgin searcher: "Well, I've never done this before and I'm not very good at it, but here goes . . ." 

The resigned searcher: "Nothing but sheer desperation has brought me here. I'm determined to meet that one guy in a million, the one who will fall in love with me at first sight." 

The halfhearted searcher: "My sister talked me into this, and I have no idea what I'm doing." 

Education And Success: The Hot New Ticket
There's a shift in the marriage market, according to University of Texas professor Kelly Raley, Ph.D. In her study of marital preferences, based on data from the National Survey of Families and Households, Dr. Raley was surprised to find that men are most willing to marry women with more education and earning power than they have themselves. "Attractiveness may still be important," she says, "but it looks as if men want women with greater economic resources." 

Another study, from the University of Utah, also confounded researchers. Contrary to predictions, the woman who described herself in an ad as "financially independent, successful (and) ambitious" generated twice as many responses as the description "lovely . . . very attractive and slim." 

Photo

Posting a photo on the opener is a must. Profiles with photos generate 80 percent more responses, according to site managers. Some women say they don't want to be judged by their photos. I would counter by saying that you won't be in the contest at all. "No pix, no picks" is how it's played. Not having a photo with your profile implies that you have something to hide. It's a caution flag. Think about it: Would you choose someone who didn't post a photo? 

If the technical aspects bother you, note that sites now offer step-by-step instructions on how to get your picture online. If you have a digital camera, you're set. You can also get traditional photos inexpensively converted to digital at Wal-Mart, copy shops, or photo stores like Photomax. Some online sites, such as ThirdAgePersonals.com, will do all the work for you -- you e-mail or mail them your photo, and they'll do the posting and/or digital conversion for you. 

Which photo to choose? 

Select a shot that offers the clearest, most flattering view of you. A professional head shot (if not too stiff -- warmth is very important) works quite well. If you don't have one, consider having one made, and see if the photographer could recommend a hair-and-makeup person who can help you achieve a natural-but-gorgeous look. (This could be the best investment you ever make!) 

A photo that shows a hint of location in the background also can be very engaging. But you -- not the mountains, the seashore, or the Eiffel Tower -- must be the star. In fact, your backyard on a sunny day may be all the location you need. Sit in a comfortable chair and ask the photographer to crop in on you from the waist up. Look relaxed and happy, and you've got the perfect pose. 

You'll have a chance to include other pictures with your questionnaire. There you can show off how sexy you look in a ski outfit or what a knockout you are when dressed to the nines. But remember to keep the opening photo clear and simple. If a guy can't get a good look at you, he may skip to someone else. Other photo pointers: 

Avoid old photos. Never post anything more than two years old. 
Showing too much skin may send the wrong message about you. You don't want to attract a bad kind of guy. 
Try to project warmth, one of the characteristics mature men want most. A big smile and cozy sweater signal that you're kind-hearted; sunglasses say cool, not warm. My friend Hildy didn't want her doctorate degree to seem intimidating, so she included a shot showing her holding mother and baby sloths. Half her e-mailers skipped over the Ph.D. part. They wanted to know what the heck she had around her neck. 
Group photos are confusing. Maybe your hair did look fabulous on the night of your high school reunion, but the other folks in the photo are a distraction. Pick another good-hair moment. 
Don't crop your former husband or boyfriend out of a photo unless he won't be missed, because a strange arm around your shoulder that's not attached to a body looks very weird. The trace of an ex also suggests that you haven't moved on from that relationship. Haven't you had a good time since you two parted? 
Save photos of the kids for an in-person meeting. 
Summary Sell-Line

After you've created a warm, interesting picture of yourself and posted an equally wonderful photo, it's time to clinch the click. The fifth step is a simple, very effective two-part sales strategy that will distinguish you from the crowd. 

Offer what marketers call the value proposition. What's 'in it for the browser? What can you promise that will make him click on you and not the competition? Note how well this four-sentence summary sell-line states the value proposition and makes the case for a future relationship: 

"I will be a good friend and ally. I will be tender, responsive, appreciative, agreeable. I will inspire you. I will listen to you."

Copyright © 2005 Judsen Culbreth

Indulge Yourself! 20 Fantastic Ways To feel Fantastic

Guest blog by Jennifer LB Leese

Don't let yourself come last! It's important for you to be able to indulge in things that are just for "you." You deserve it!

Important, how you ask?

Well, it is a known fact that having a relaxing, non-stressful moment in your day will ease your social life as a friend and companion. In doing so, you are more relaxed to deal with family issues such as: the kids fighting and screaming, your husband's personal and work related issues, not to mention all the housework waiting for you at the end of a long and tiring day. 

Ease your family life as a mother and lover and you'll be more productive in your work life. Your boss will thank you and so will your co-workers.

You will be able to think more clearly and you'll find that you are able to handle and to solve daily conflicts that may arise throughout your day. 

We all know that while driving in the car can be very stressful. Did you know that while listening to the radio in your car can be extremely relaxing? You can also get books on tape, or even no music and listening to the wind blow in through your window can be relaxing.
No matter what your job description may be or even if you're a "Work at Home Mom," "Working out of the House Mom," or a "Stay at Home Mom," you should always find a few minutes to cater to yourself. 

One important thing is to keep yourself well-adjusted. What is a well-adjusted woman? The answer of course, is different for everyone! We all do know that a well-adjusted woman isn't a super hero, cartoon character, or a mythical creature. She can't do everything on her own, and she certainly can't be expected to be able to deal with troubling issues with a level head, but she can try!

Even a well-adjusted woman who thinks she has her life together has mood swings, runs out of energy, and still has time to give to her children, her partner and her family. However, a well-adjusted woman should never allow herself to be neglected. In doing so, everyone suffers.
With that in mind, I have taken the liberty to include a few soothing, relaxing and enjoyable ways...for you to "Pamper Yourself."

 1. Enjoy being outside, sit, and watch the clouds go by.
 2. A warm, soothing bubble bath is always nice, any time of the day.
 3.Go for a leisure walk, by yourself or with your family.
 4. How about entering someone else's world for a while? Read a book, such as Ghost by Danielle Steel. Alternatively, watch a romantic, drama, or comedy movie. 
5. Make an appointment at your local salon to have a manicure or pedicure done. While you are there, have your hair shampooed and styled.
 6. I have found that sitting in a quiet room, reading a book to my children is another great way of relieving stress of a hectic day.
 7. Listen to your favorite music for a while, whether it's soft music, alternative, or even rap. Whatever enriches your soul and makes you feel good.
 8. How about going to flea markets or yard sales? You are sure to find something to take home and treasure. On the other hand, turn it into something new.
 9. Calling your best friend is another great way to make yourself feel good. Find out what's new; catch up on gossip or even just talk about old times.
10.Order dinner in tonight. Just sit back and wait for it to arrive.
11. Did you know that laughter is good for the soul? Moreover, that it is very contagious? Laugh and others are guaranteed to laugh with you.
12. Even just the simple task of lighting a scented candle can be fulfilling. Relax; let the aroma take you away.
13. Another good way to make you feel good is to order yourself a gift basket. How about freshly scented bubbles bath basket or even a romantic basket to share with your loved one?
14. Having a make over is very important also. Let someone else turn you into someone new for the day. You won't regret it.
15. Even a small shopping spree can make any woman feel good. Pamper yourself; buy yourself something you've always wanted.
16. Take a day all to yourself. 
17. Making crafts can be very enjoyable also. Start with something easy and build up from there.
18. If all else fails, then make an appointment to have a professional masseuse rub you down for an hour or more. That will surely release your tension. 
19. How about having a facial? You'll be surprised, you will leave there feeling relaxed, fresh and you'll be smiling for hours.
20. Find your favorite place to sit, whether it's at the park, your living room or even at the local library, and try writing about your day or write about whatever comes to mind. 

The key is to find something that relaxes you. Everyone is different. I've talked to some women that feel that kickboxing is a way of relaxing. They say that it helps them become the well-adjusted woman they should be. If you are one of these women, and feel that kickboxing is a great way of relieving tension then by all means, do it! More power to you!
You will have a better outlook on the things around you and in your daily routine. In addition, you will feel as though you are in better health and the people around you will benefit from you pampering yourself.

Dating for Grownups: The Invisible Older Woman

Guest blog by June Marshall
Author of The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware!
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Adults and Dating

Most magazines, books, and discussions about dating center on the younger age groups in our population. But everyone in this nation is not between the ages of 16 and 21. We all know women, including ourselves, who have been divorced or widowed after many years of marriage. We also know busy women who bypassed the dating scene as they built their careers. Now these women are out in the dating marketplace. What are they finding? They are finding that they have to be careful about whom they take into their lives. The fantasy and the reality of dating are two different issues. 

Relationship Books

Most books and magazines on dating and relationships deal with the subject of attracting, understanding, or keeping a man. Cosmo with its articles about turning on and attracting Mr. Right, Glamour with its numerous articles on fascinating him in bed, Venus and Mars trying to understand each other in and out of the bedroom, The Surrendered Single, are just a few examples of the many. But what if the man is not worth attracting, understanding, or keeping? The books and magazines do not treat the subject of standards and selectivity because it is too real and sounds depressing. Fantasy sells more products than reality. So we only see the beginning of the fairy tale, not the day-to-day truth of living with another human being. We do not see the stabilized middle of the story, nor do we see the ending, which is often unpleasant.

Movies and TV

The visual media are no different, with superficial TV shows that have total strangers marrying each other based on appearance and the hope of financial gain. Shows like "Who wants to Marry a Millionaire," "Joe Millionaire," "Married by America," "The Bachelor," and "The Bachelorette" do not focus on the actuality of living with someone's character and personality traits on a daily basis. Movies like "Serendipity" show a couple falling madly in love based on a few moments of chitchat at a glove counter. Now their destiny is eternally intertwined. All of these shows and movies display the courtship dances of the twenty-something set but they fuel the dreams of people of all ages. It is "Miss America" meets "The Dating Game" and the nation is entranced by the illusion.

The Invisible Older Woman

Books, magazines, and movies find little glamour in a woman who is past 30, 40, or 50. Thus, we do not see or have a chance to comprehend the true dating experiences of the older woman in mass- market presentations. If we do, that too is romanticized, as in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," where once again we see the elaborate ceremony and what leads up to it, but not the happily- or unhappily-ever-after. The heroine is a whole 30 years old (!) and definitely behind schedule in her culture's marriage expectations. But what about the millions of women who are over 60 and 70, even over 80 and are actively seeking male companionship? The media ignores them. There is something slightly distasteful about thinking of sex and the older woman. 

Landmine Dating

The general population does not know that the incidence of AIDS in people 50 and older is growing at a rate twice as fast as for people younger than 50, according to statistics released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (apparently thanks to Viagra). The elderly man cavorts with an infected partner and brings it back to his senior girlfriend. They do not use condoms because they are past the age of pregnancy. AIDS is just one of the landmines waiting to explode in an older woman's face if she enters the dating game equipped with fairy tale dreams of romance instead of an understanding of the realities. 

"There are a lot of men who are over 70, have a lot of money and are out dating a lot of younger women and not using condoms," says Anita Finley, a gerontologist and radio talk-show host in South Florida, where she also publishes the magazine Boomer Times. "They don't get it. They were married and didn't have to use protection for so long. It's so obvious, but they're playing Russian roulette." 

Condo Casanovas

Such behavior, conscious or not, puts senior citizens at risk, say health educators who participate in the statewide Senior HIV Intervention Project in Florida. They cite a widespread use of prostitutes by senior citizens and the presence in retirement communities of so-called "Condo Casanovas," or men who take advantage of an environment in which women outnumber men by 7 to 1. With that level of competition for a man's affection, typically after decades of marriage and a healthy sex life, many women are reluctant to demand that their partner use a condom, experts say. 

Expensive Guys

In The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware! I describe the seven types of dead-end mates that women of any age would do well to avoid. But one type in particular costs the older woman more financially and socially than any other: He is a related species to the Condo Cassanova, known as OLMan (Old Loser Man). OLMan calculatingly offers his lonely prey flattery and attention, compliments, flowers, and romance. He expects financial gains as his reward but does not explicitly state it. It's just that his wardrobe can use some renewal and he comes up short on money when he takes her out to dinner so she pays. His teeth need fixing and she loves him so much, she'll fork over the thousands to get them capped. He costs the woman socially because her friends feel alienated and awkward when they try to warn her that he is taking advantage. One of his traits is that he wants to isolate the woman from family and friends so he can be the sole influence on her activities and expenses. The family is dismayed when every time they visit Mom, he is there too.

Far-away Mom

Sometimes the woman's family does not live near enough for frequent visits. The family finds out after it is too late that Mom has fallen prey to one of these parasites. After her death they find family heirlooms missing and discover evidence of large expenditures on him. He has been known to sue the woman's estate for breach of promise because Mom promised him money on her death and the heirs have withheld it. Something similar happened to my friend Rachel's mother. In Rachel's own words, "The healing process after my mother's death took on dire aspects. She had been 'dating' or seeing a male suitor, or so she thought. Turns out he was no suitor but a crook, of the worst kind, those who prey on elderly, single women. Once my father died, this guy moved in on her. Trouble is, he turned out to be an extortionist, and cost me an additional 2 1/2 million dollars in estate tax fees. It's a long story, but it had to do with him taking her dancing and telling her she was beautiful and her believing every word he said."

OLMan Example

Robert is another good example of an OLMan. He met Estelle at church. He was looking for a rich widow to take care of him and Florida was full of them. He portrayed himself as a humble man, devoted to God and religion. Estelle was ecstatic. Finally she met a man who would read the scriptures with her and discuss the world of the spirit. She saw the lonely widows sitting in the church with no male companionship, keeping themselves busy with tales of their grandkids and past lives. "I don't want to be like that. I want a guy I can take walks with and share life with. This man is a gift from God and I am going to accept it."

It wasn't long before he asked her to marry him. Nobody else had come around with marriage offers. She said, "Yes." He moved in with her, since she had an upscale condominium on the beach and he lived in what he called his "motor home" in a trailer park.

But after she married him, Estelle found out that he knew nothing about the religion he professed and did not study the scriptures the way he said he did. He could barely read, no less discuss ideas. Now she understood why she had to read the menus for him in restaurants. She thought it was because he couldn't see them. No, instead of sharing life with her, he lay around the house watching reruns of Seinfeld and Mary Tyler Moore, and ordering her to bring him cold drinks. The rest of the time he spent napping and spending her money.  

She felt trapped. She was upset with herself that she had been taken in by his act. He, however, was pleased. He had gotten his quarry and he knew it would be expensive to get rid of him. He outlived her. When Estelle died, her children were aghast at how much he cost the family. In two days, he had already moved on to another woman, in his words, "The prettiest one in the Condo!"

Prevention: Awareness

As with all complex problems, there is no easy solution to the challenges the 50+-year old woman faces in the dating environment. Many factors, including: fear of loneliness, love of fantasy and romance, wanting to feel loved, needed and wanted by a man, and wanting to feel sexually attractive, drive the woman into the arms of the Condo Casanova or OLMan. These powerful feelings are not easily wished away. The only answer is awareness: Firstly, awareness of the health risks involved in this particular age group. Regardless of how distasteful the subject to the youth-glutted media market, people need to be aware of this matter of life or death. Secondly, women must also be aware of the scam artistry of predatory segments of the male population. They must be aware of how many women are victims to their formulaic come-ons. Most women involved with OLMen or Condo Casanovas, in hindsight, prefer a little loneliness now and then to the unhappiness of being duped by a con artist or ending up with a fatal disease. 

Warning Signs: Passing the turkey and the torch. What to look for when you go home for the Holidays.

Guest blog by Jody Gasfriends,VP Senior Care, Care.com

As the holidays approach, I want to share a story with you. It’s the story of a friend of mine, Noreen*-a typical sandwich-generation mom and daughter who had many people and priorities to juggle. But it was at Thanksgiving last year when she realized something needed to change. 

Noreen left home for college 30 years ago. After graduation, she got married, had two sons, and settled into a life in a small town north of Boston. But her roots, along with her aging parents, were still in Western Massachusetts. Among her three siblings, Noreen lived the closest to her folks and was the most worried. Her brother, Tom lived on the west coast and typically chalked up Mom’s forgetfulness and Dad’s driving mishaps as part of getting older. Pam, the youngest, had her hands full with a rebellious teenager and a recent divorce. She had no room on her plate to worry about Mom and Dad. 

So, as Noreen drove – or crawled -- along the highway last Thanksgiving, she wistfully remembered Thanksgivings past. Mom’s famous pecan chocolate chip pie, Dad’s careful carving of the turkey and the children’s delight at watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade in their pajamas seemed like scenes out of a Norman Rockwell painting. Noreen also recalled the fractious squabbles that sometimes erupted amidst the merriment. Those tensions seemed far less weighty than the anxiety she now felt about her parent’s safety and welfare, and her siblings’ apparent dismissal of her fears. 

Arriving at her parents’ home, Noreen couldn’t help but stare at the peeling paint and the unkempt lawn. Years ago, she suggested her folks sell the house and find a place to live that was more senior-friendly. Dispelling her concerns, Noreen’s parents quickly dismissed the idea. Noreen, unsupported by her siblings, let the issue drop. Now, she regretted that decision. She opened the front door and got a whiff of something burnt. Turns out it was the turkey. Noreen’s mother was apologetic. She had gotten distracted by the excitement of the holiday. Tom and Pam were busy ordering take out Chinese food and seemed un-phased by the Thanksgiving turkey that had already been tossed. Mom had always been a consummate cook. Now, no one seemed to care that she ruined the holiday meal centerpiece. Noreen also worried about her Dad who seemed unsteady and frail. She asked how he was feeling and he replied “under the weather” but hadn’t seen the doctor in months. As the day progressed, Noreen grew increasingly more concerned. She saw a stack of bills on the kitchen counter, some of them dating back months. She observed Mom forgetting simple things and got frazzled easily. While Noreen did not want to worry excessively or make a scene, things seemed out of sorts and she could no longer pretend otherwise.

Holidays are a time when emotions get stirred up. Like Thanksgiving cranberry sauce and stuffing, our emotions are a mixture of ingredients: Excitement, joy, sadness and stress can all be part of the family recipe. Many adult children, like Noreen, must face a changing reality and confront their own anxiety and grief as their parents lose their strength and independence. These changes are often more prominent around holiday time, particularly for adult children who live at a distance. It is easy to overreact when we see, as Noreen did, bills piling up or a home not properly cared for. At the same time, it is important to differentiate changes in behavior. A newfound tendency to let the house go a bit can be part of normal aging, or it can represent illness and decline. When I later met Noreen for coffee, she told me she worried that the burnt turkey was an ominous sign. I assured her that one burnt turkey does not foreshadow disaster, but a pattern of uncharacteristic behaviors, is more of a concern. 

Holidays can be incredibly stressful. In the midst of all the activity and eating, they can also provide an opportunity to observe our parents as they age. So this season, here is what to look for to determine if your worries are justified and whether there are real concerns about your parent’s wellbeing and safety that need to be addressed. 

• Change in eating habits/weight loss
• Forgetfulness-out of the ordinary
• Neglected personal hygiene and cleanliness
• Decrease in socialization and activity level
• Significant mood changes
• Unexplained dents in the car
• Misuse of prescribed medications
• Mishandling finances

Like Noreen, so many adult children feel they shoulder the burden of worry on their own. Getting siblings on the same page, whenever possible is a good place to start. Sharing perspectives on Mom’s increasing forgetfulness or Dad’s unsteady gait can shed new light on your understanding of the problem. Has it been an ongoing progressive decline or an intermittent reaction to stress or illness? Gathering information, as objectively as possible is the first step toward being an effective caregiver. Unlike Noreen, you don’t have to go it alone. Getting the support and information you need early on can help you navigate the unexpected twists and turns along the caregiving journey.
 

Rediscover the Joy of Eating: How a Diet is Helping Thousands Heal

Guest blog by Jenny Lass

What would you do if the comfort food you grew up loving suddenly made you sick? This is what the 70 million Americans with digestive disorders experience, and many don't find the relief they need through traditional medical interventions. The treatment options for gastrointestinal patients usually involve expensive medications with daunting side effects, such as bone thinning, rashes, night sweats and facial swelling. 

Although drug treatment for intestinal conditions is sometimes warranted, what happens when the drugs don't work or the side effects seem worse than the disease? Steroids, a common treatment for many digestive disorders, become less effective each time they're used, so patients are left with little recourse if their symptoms return. Fortunately, there are other options, such as the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD), which has been a welcome option for thousands of people around the world seeking long-term help.

The SCD was developed over 50 years ago by prominent New York pediatrician Dr. Sydney Haas and made famous by Canadian nutrition scientist Elaine Gottschall. It eliminates complex carbohydrates and disaccharides so food is easier to digest - that means no grains, starches or refined sugars. The SCD was actually one of the earliest treatments for celiac disease, which is defined as an autoimmune disorder that leads to intestinal damage when patients eat gluten. 

The SCD got somewhat lost in the gluten-free hype, but many celiacs turn to it if the gluten-free diet doesn't work for them. In fact, the gluten-free diet can take up to six months to kick in, whereas many SCDers find relief within the first week. A 2004 physician-run survey found that approximately 80% of people who try the SCD are helped by it, including those with ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease and irritable bowel syndrome. Even the autistic community has latched on to the SCD, which is sometimes more effective than the gluten-free casein-free diet.

However, the SCD is not meant to replace drugs or doctors - it's integrative. It can help reduce medication dosages, help medications work better, eliminate medications sooner or even help patients avoid medications altogether. SCDers are encouraged to seek supervision by physicians or dietitians, but they are often left to fend for themselves when the health care professionals the consult aren't aware of the diet. A lack of funding for this non-drug-based treatment has also limited the amount of research that can be done to fully understand the benefits of the SCD. The Elaine and Herbert Gottschall Foundation is finally starting to accumulate funds to support the promotion and further study of this diet.

Another challenge facing the SCD is its elimination of some of the foods we're used to eating - a prospect that might seem unappetizing at first. But a quick review of the SCD's innovative techniques and recipes shows that it is full of your old favorites, made differently. There's the art of eating virtually lactose-free dairy products. Old-aged cheeses, such as parmesan, brick, gouda, havarti, Swiss and cheddar, are naturally lactose-free due to their long fermentation time. The same principle applies to homemade lactose-free yogurt - 24-hour fermentation allows the bacterial culture to break down the lactose, leaving easy-to-digest yogurt that can be used for cheesecake, cream cheese, ice cream and breads. Being able to eat dairy is not only satisfying to the palate, but also essential for fighting low bone density, a condition that often accompanies digestive diseases.

One of the other keys to the SCD's success is its creativity in the absence of all grains. Spaghetti squash, zucchini, egg, Enoki mushrooms and squid replace crepes and noodles, and cholesterol-lowering, vitamin-packed almond flour produces authentic-tasting baked goods that are healthy and easy to make. The SCD provides the simplest gluten-free baking method on the market and uses easy-to-find ingredients. Aside from almond flour, which can be found in the bulk section of many grocery stores, bulk food stores, health food stores or online, your SCD baked-good shopping list might be as minimal as honey, butter, baking soda, spices and fruit. 

Although some may balk at the idea of eliminating a long-standing staple such as grains, it's important to note that there's nothing magic in pasta and cereal - you can find the nutrients in grains in many other foods. Squash is packed with vitamins A, B, C and folate, and almond flour is high in fiber. Eggs are one of the few foods containing naturally occurring vitamin D and red meat is one of best sources of dietary iron. 

The SCD's reliance on almond flour also takes full advantage of the "good fat" in nuts. Research shows that the fat in almonds actually helps instead of hinders weight loss because it satisfies hunger and tends to prevent unhealthy or excessive snacking. And we tend to forget that fat is an important part of a healthy diet. For example, we need fat to metabolize fat-soluble vitamins, such as A, D and E, and fat helps with temperature regulation, hormone production, and the development of the brain and nervous system.

All controversy aside, the SCD warrants further investigation. Medical journals are slowly accumulating case studies that document how this diet that got lost in the shuffle is helping people with digestive diseases who have run out of options or are searching for complementary solutions. 

Know Why You Gained Weight It May Stop You from Regaining It

Guest blog by Judith J. Wurtman, PhD
Author of The Serotonin Power Diet: Eat Carbs--Nature's Own Appetite Suppressant--to Stop Emotional Overeating and Halt Antidepressant-Associated Weight Gain

Sharon, my new weight-loss client, laughed when I asked her whether she had been on any other diets. "How much time do you have? My mother probably put me on a my first diet when I was around eleven. since I am now fifty, that means forty years of dieting."

I nodded. The story was a familiar one. The only clients who had never been on a diet were people who had gained weight from medication such as antidepressants. All the rest had bounced from one weight-loss program to another, often following whatever was fashionable. Some had even had bariatric surgery to reduce drastically the amount of food they could swallow. Yet they had managed to gain weight by constantly eating small amounts of extremely caloric foods. 

Sharon talked about her inability to control her eating when she switched from liquid low-calorie beverages or calorie-controlled prepackaged meals to her own food. She related how much she overate when she went off of diets without carbohydrates or three-day fasts or a week of residential spa food. She was now considering surgery but she wasn't heavy enough to qualify. 

She told me that she thought her weight gain was due to her love of food but when I pointed out that many thin people love food also, she grew quiet. Eventually she said that she suspected she ate out of emotional needs. "My needs keep changing but my response is always the same. When I eat, my problems disappear -- for the moment."

Dieters like Sharon are likely to regain their weight unless they have insight into the causes of their overeating and are helped to develop strategies to control it. Unfortunately, diet programs tend to focus on how to get the dieter to his or her weight-loss goal rather than giving the dieter tools to prevent the weight from reappearing again. Even Oprah Winfrey, who certainly receives more support in her weight-loss efforts than the average dieter, has lost and regained weight continually during her television career. 

The most effective way of preventing weight gain after a diet is to tackle the problems that caused it. Although each of us has our own overeating triggers, usually they can be grouped in a few categories:

1. Logistics or too much to do and too little time to do it. Sometimes the problems caused by impossible schedules seem insurmountable and affect everything from the ability to shop for food to getting too little sleep. Often the dieter's life has to be brought under control before the eating can be controlled. With either family or professional help (like a life coach), this usually can be accomplished. One client who used to overeat when she came home from work and found the beds unmade and dirty breakfast dishes in the sink solved her problems by making her kids get up earlier and doing chores before school. 

2. Work schedules, business travel and meals, toxic supervisors and fear of unemployment. Some work situations place almost unlimited obstacles in front of the dieter, especially when personal relationships are involved. And these days, the option of leaving a virulent workplace is difficult. Recognizing how work stress is affecting eating is an important first step. The dieter should seek out help, either from the weight-loss counselor or someone trained to deal with worksite problems, to develop strategies to deal with the problems. However, sometimes a job change is really necessary, as in the case of a client who worked as a pastry chef. 

3. Family and social problems may influence everything from menu planning to emotional well being. Neither the dieter nor the diet counselor can hope to solve chronic problems that may have led to years of overeating. Recognizing them and seeking help (whether from a dating service, divorce lawyer or therapist) will increase your chance of not gaining weight after the diet is over. If the problems are particularly difficult to handle, it may even be wise for the dieter to consider putting weight-loss efforts on hold to concentrate on resolving the issues that caused the weight gain. Temporarily stopping the diet may also be necessary when financial, medical or family crises arise. Seeing how your eating changes when a crisis arises is helpful in preventing overeating after the diet is over and another crisis occurs. 

4. Sabotage by not-well meaning friends, family, co-workers and casual acquaintances. Especially those who have not managed to lose weight may regard a successful dieter as a weight-gaining time bomb. Often subtle and not so subtle methods will be used to make the dieter overeat, such as asking the dieter if she has been very sick recently or mentioning that a particularly caloric dish won't hurt her. Self-sabotage is also common, especially if the successful dieter is now complimented on his or her appearance. Many clients have told me that they both enjoy and resent the attention they receive when they have lost a lot of weight. A college student made herself gain about 75 pounds after losing that amount because guys who had ignored her the year before when she was fat asked her out on dates.

Losing weight is not as hard as keeping it off. Still, as someone who was called "butter-ball" in second grade, I know it can be done.

For more information, please visit www.SerotoninPowerDiet.com.

Got Milk?

Guest blog by Dr. Jana Klauer
Author of How the Rich Get Thin: Park Avenue's Top Diet Doctor Reveals the Secrets to Losing Weight and Feeling Great

Fat-free is clearly preferred. Why waste calories on putting 2 percent milk in your coffee? Soy milk is not an ideal choice, either, because it is not a complete protein, as milk is, has extra calories, and does not give you as much calcium. 

Keep milk cold at the back of the refrigerator, at 35º-40ºF, not on a door shelf. Each 5ºF rise in temperature shortens milk's shelf life because of bacterial growth. 

The sad fact is that teens are drinking half as much milk as they did thirty years ago. Milk has been replaced with newfangled drinks including designer bottled waters, exotic juices, iced teas, and soy beverages. But the saddest fact of all is the replacement of milk with carbonated sweetened beverages. When milk is replaced with carbonated beverages, the result is a loss from the diet of protein, calcium, magnesium, and vitamins A and D. There is an almost linear relationship between the rise in consumption of carbonated drinks and obesity in teens. Teenagers need to build bone mass that will last for a lifetime. Because of this, we have to look for new and creative ways to get the calcium we need every day. Space your intake of calcium during the day and also take a calcium supplement as an insurance policy. 

Which Calcium Supplement Is Best? 

Supplemental calcium comes in two forms: calcium carbonate and calcium citrate. Calcium carbonate must be taken with meals. This is also the type of calcium found in TUMS. By consuming this indigestion remedy, you are giving your bone density a boost. Calcium citrate may be taken any time -- with or without food. I recommend that my patients take at bedtime a supplement of calcium citrate containing vitamin D. 

Even if you receive your calcium requirement from food, I recommend adding a calcium supplement just to insure adequate intake. If you have trouble swallowing calcium tablets, as many people do, try another form of calcium. TUMS and calcium chews are popular, and easy for most people to consume. They contain calcium carbonate and must be taken with food for the calcium to be digested. Calcium citrate can be taken with or without food. Make sure that your calcium supplement also contains vitamin D, for optimal absorption. 

You need to be aware of the amount of elemental calcium any supplement contains. The term "elemental calcium" refers to the amount of calcium in a supplement that is available for your body to absorb. Most calcium supplements list on the label the amount of elemental calcium. Some brands list only the total weight -- in milligrams (mg) -- of each tablet. This is the weight of the calcium, plus whatever may be bound to it -- such as carbonate, citrate, lactate, or gluconate. For calcium, the % Daily Value (DV) is based on 1,000 mg of elemental calcium, so every 10 percent in the Daily Value column represents 100 mg of elemental calcium (0.10 x 1,000 mg = 100 mg). For example, if a calcium supplement has 60 percent Daily Value, it contains 600 mg of elemental calcium (0.60 x 1,000 mg = 600 mg). It is also important to note the serving size -- the number of tablets you must take to get the % DV listed on the label. 

When choosing a calcium supplement, check the label for the abbreviation USP. The best supplements meet the voluntary standards of the U.S. Pharmacopeia (USP) for quality, purity, and tablet disintegration or dissolution. Generic brands of calcium supplements are often cheaper than name brands. However, they may not meet voluntary standards for tablet disintegration. In other words, they may dissolve more slowly, which decreases their effectiveness. Avoid calcium supplements that contain bone meal or dolomite, as these may also contain toxic substances, such as lead, mercury, and arsenic. Check the label for "no added sugar." Chelated calcium tablets tend to be more expensive and really do not have any advantage over other types of calcium. Coral calcium is also marketed as superior calcium, which has not been proven. 

Many of my patients love Viactiv Calcium Soft Chews -- chewy little squares that taste like Kraft caramels and come in several dessertlike flavors. Although they are very sweet, two squares contain 100 percent of the Daily Value of calcium and include vitamins D and K. Each VIACTIV Calcium Soft Chew contains 500 mg of elemental calcium from 1,250 mg of calcium carbonate. 

Calcium and Blood Pressure

Glimmerings of this important relationship began in 1982, when Dr. David A. McCarron noted that a diet low in dairy products increased a person's chance of developing high blood pressure. A study of the entire population of the United States confirmed his hypothesis and revealed that the people who ate the least amount of dairy products had the highest blood pressures. In fact, the normal diet of the majority of United States doesn't meet the minimal requirement for adequate calcium. This led to a 1997 clinical trial, Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension, or the DASH trial, which showed that blood pressure could be lowered by a diet high in fruits, vegetables, and low-fat dairy products. While fruits and vegetables lowered the blood pressure somewhat, it was the addition of dairy products that made the difference. The importance of maintaining an optimal blood pressure cannot be overstated. High blood pressure stresses the heart, strains the arteries, and increases the risk of heart attack and stroke. How remarkable that we can lower the risk for these terrible consequences simply by adding dairy products to our diets! I am constantly surprised that my patients who have high blood pressure have not been told anything about this relationship by their primary care physicians. 

If you have high blood pressure, you should have a minimum of one dairy product at each meal. This can be easily accomplished by adding a glass of skim milk, 2 ounces of low-fat cheese, or a 6-ounce container of low-fat yogurt at each meal. This can be as vital as your taking your medication. 

Marcia is a forty-seven-year-old divorced mother of two teenage sons who works as a museum curator. She was referred to me by her primary care doctor for weight reduction. When I first met Marcia, she was five foot three and weighed 160 pounds. Her cholesterol and blood pressure were elevated and she took medication for both of these conditions. On the positive side, she had a commitment to exercise and swam three times per week for the last twenty-five years. However, Marcia's diet was sadly deficient in the foods that she needed to control her blood pressure and cholesterol. Her typical breakfast was coffee and a croissant with butter, lunch was a sandwich, and dinner was often her sons' leftover pizza. These foods were the worst possible choices for someone with her health problems. In revamping Marcia's life, I suggested that she start a walk-run program, which she readily committed to. There is greater weight loss with walking or running than with swimming. For food, I suggested that she begin her day with a vegetable omelet and a glass of skim milk. For a midmorning snack, she had some plain yogurt and fresh berries. (This reminded her of the summer she spent in France, where she began each morning with fresh raspberries and yogurt.) Lunch was a fruit salad with low-fat cottage cheese. I pointed out to Marcia that it was in her best interests to encourage her housekeeper to stop indulging her sons' pizza cravings, and to have her prepare a wholesome meal for them instead. Her housekeeper began preparing grilled fish or chicken with fresh herbs, two vegetables, and a salad for dinner. She set aside a portion of the meal for Marcia, who had a glass of skim milk with dinner and a calcium supplement prior to retiring. 

The changes Marcia experienced were truly remarkable. She became a devoted runner, lost 40 pounds, and no longer required medication to control her blood pressure or cholesterol. Her health problems had been totally resolved by dietary changes. Even her sex life improved. She proudly showed me a bikini she had purchased for a vacation to France with her new boyfriend! 

Calcium and Cancer Risk Reduction

Population studies indicate that a diet high in calcium lowers the risk for colon cancer. In both the Nurses Health Study, which included 88,000 women, and the Health Professionals Follow-up Study, with 47,300 men, people with the highest calcium intakes had the lowest rates of colon cancer. There was an inverse risk of colon cancer, meaning that the more calcium consumed, the lower the risk for cancer. The way that calcium reduces colon cancer is by binding digestive acids that could potentially harm the cells of the colon lining. The cells of the colon are susceptible to damage by fatty acids and bile (produced by the body to digest dietary fat). If they are subjected to these acids on a regular basis (as is the case with a high-fat diet), the cells proliferate and polyps form. Colonic polyps are precancerous tissue. They are not cancers but, allowed to grow, may evolve into cancer. (This is why it is important for everyone to have a colonoscopy after fifty. As we age, the colon cells are more apt to form polyps. These are easily removed during a colonoscopy before they have a chance to become cancerous.) When digestive acids are bound to calcium, they are inactivated and rendered incapable of damaging the colon cells. Furthermore, when people prone to developing polyps consume high amounts of calcium, formation of polyps is reduced.

If you have had colon cancer or colonic polyps, or have a family history of colon cancer, it is wise to lower the amount of fat in your diet and increase your calcium intake. The best way to do this is by incorporating low-fat dairy products and adding a calcium supplement. 

Calcium and Weight Loss

Even more intriguing than the association of a reduction in blood pressure and cancer risk with calcium is the association of calcium with weight loss. The relation between calcium and body weight was first noted more than twenty years ago in the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey. This study of the nutritional habits of the entire United States reported that the slimmest people had the highest intakes of calcium. Since there was no known mechanism for how calcium kept people thin, the finding was written off as pure chance. When the study was repeated ten years later, it was found that not only did the slimmest people have the highest calcium intakes, but the heaviest people had the lowest calcium intakes! Now, this got researchers' attention: Perhaps there could be a connection between calcium and weight. 

A study at the University of Tennessee found that when fat cells were exposed to a calcium-rich environment, they broke down fat much more rapidly than when they were in a calcium-depleted environments. That was a very interesting finding but it was done in a Petri dish, not in human clinical trials. The reasons for the cells behaving in this manner are believed to date back to our prehistoric origins. In ancient times, our diets had much more calcium, due to the consumption of nuts, tubers, and roots grown in calcium-rich soil. Examination of the skeletons of prehistoric man shows bones with high amounts of calcium. Some researchers estimate the ancient diet had two to three times the calcium consumed today. In light of this, it may be that the body may respond to a low calcium intake as a state of starvation, causing it to hold on to fat stores more closely. Of course, this is all speculative. 

What about real people and calcium? Can calcium really help them lose weight? In 2004, a published study showed that this was indeed the case. This weight-loss study, also from the University of Tennessee, divided overweight subjects into three groups. Each group was restricted by the same amount of calories, and the proportions of fat, carbohydrate, and protein were the same for each group. But they differed in the amount of calcium in their diets: One group had 1,200 to 1,300 mg of dairy (food-derived) calcium per day, another had 800 mg of supplemental calcium per day, and the third received no additional calcium. What do you suppose happened? The group that received 1,200 mg of dairy calcium lost 70 percent more weight than did the calcium-depleted group! And the group that consumed dairy products lost more weight than the group that got the same amount of calcium from supplements. 

This tells us two very important things: 

1. Calcium can help us lose weight. 
2. There may be an as yet undiscovered factor in dairy foods that works with calcium to aid in fat breakdown.

Design of Nine: A No Nonsense Plan for Creating and Maintaining Beautiful Skin At Any Age

Guest blog by Julia Tanum Hunter, M.D.
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

1. Prevention at any age. Its never too late - just get started! 
As long as your heart is beating, no matter where you’re starting, it’s never too late. You CAN be successful - quickly, permanently and happily. You can sometimes be “bad” but because you know how to and why to be “good” and understand it’s not about deprivation, you won’t get frustrated. Beginning to experience the skin, health, youthfulness, body, brainpower, energy and vitality you desire will motivate you to stay on the road to success. AND, what’s the alternative? Aging more quickly, not feeling “good”-gastrointestinal issues, aches, pains, injuries, illnesses, operations, medications, unhappiness, diseases such as Alzheimer’s, cancer, prostate and erection issues, debilitation-physical and financial, stroke, nursing homes. Or maybe you’ll be luckier, but based on experience, prevention = greater happiness, fun and well-being and quality longevity. 

2. Avoid foods, products, ingredients and chemicals that inflame the skin and internal organs. 
Inflammation-- the primary cause of disease and aging that begins afflicting us from birth! Skin, the largest organ of the body, is one of the main organs used by the body to detoxify so many of the skin issues we experience are a result of the body attempting to clear, clean and heal itself (skin is a window to what is occurring internally). As skin becomes inflamed from what we consume, absorb and are exposed to (such as pollution and sunlight) - the results are aging and disease. Research on skin cancer and aging, acne, enlarged pores, ingrown beard hairs, hyperpigmentation, photodamage, rosacea, thinning hair, heart and blood vessel disease, erectile dysfunction and organ diseases like diabetes, Alzheimer’s, cancers, arthritis and osteoporosis demonstrate that free radicals, fungal overgrowth and compromised hormone and immune systems, are the core causes resulting in inflammation, chronic and severe. Free radicals cause acidic blood and tissue pH, creating a hostile body environment of inflammation especially for collagen production (and every thing in your body is constructed of collagen). Stress causes inflammation via activating the release of stress hormones, which protect then damage, when depleted, then we progress to more disease.

3. Essential building blocks. 
The skin and body is a 24/7 construction site so we need to supply the building blocks AND ones the body needs, wants, is missing, can recognize, absorb and utilize. In today’s toxic and stress filled world and with foods as they are-even organic and right out of the garden due to soil depleted of nutrition from farming year round, it is imperative to supplement the internal organs and skin with specific foods, water and supplements-an array that keep your tissues alkaline and supplied with enough raw materials to do their job the best, the most youthfully and energetically. Your genetics and sex often require a unique prescription of what your body needs and doesn’t. You cannot take enough antioxidants in today’s world to fight the number and amount of free radicals that are being generated and inflaming your organs and tissues. Your unique Action Plan delineates everything you need for maximizing health, beauty and slowing down the ticking of the clock

4. Most everything in MODERATION regarding food. 
You are what you eat - organic, hormone and antibiotic free, grass fed, wild, the less sugar, carbs, flour (even whole wheat), grain, corn, cow's milk, the better to minimize toxicity. 

Skin Fitness Plus

• Drink 1.0-2 liters of water a day, ideally with no chlorine, fluoride or bromide, and filtered at least for organisms are recommended. Your skin and body require much water for them to function correctly. All cells need water and water helps treat and prevent constipation. Make your water therapeutic by placing one or more green tea bags in it daily.

• The closer to nature, ideally the greener and darker the fruits and vegetables the better and seasonal in your location are best. 

• Grains - white and whole wheat flour, bread, pasta, corn, white rice, oatmeal and sugars are not anyone's friend. Less is best!

• Cereals, grains, sugars and pastas should be low glycemic when eaten meaning complex grains, infrequently multi-grain and consider raw almonds, walnuts, hazelnuts, raw dates, DARK chocolate (in moderation) or unsweetened raw chocolate products, xylitol sweetened products, wild rice as better choices. Many people have gluten allergies, which cause acne, constipation and inflammatory diseases. Save your sweets for something worth aging and getting pimples for and having to exercise off or diet for and protect with antioxidants and probiotics. We all love sweets and bread, but they contribute to aging, disease and fungal overgrowth so in moderation.

• Red meat - Ideally women and men - don't consume more then once a week. Lamb is healthier then beef, pork can be healthier then both. Replace with healthy wild, low toxin fish, turkey, black beans, buffalo and wild game, chicken (skinless) and goat. Eat more vegetables and beans - also full of protein.

• ETOH in moderation (tequila, scotch, dry red wine and vodka are better choices), no sweet mixers and try not drinking every day. Alcohol increases free radicals and the body turns it into fat so take glutathione and an array of antioxidants and drink water with it. It also negatively impacts sleep, so again, indulge in moderation. Helpful solutions to cut down are (when you want a glass of wine or cocktail) to drink hot or cold tea instead, which generally distracts your brain, so you lose the urge.

• Avoid cow’s milk, even for children, as much as possible, especially if you have acne or constipation. Many are allergic to it and the lactose is a sugar that promotes fungal overgrowth and fat. It acidifies the body and you get more calcium from vegetables. Goat milk is compatible with virtually everyone and there are tasty goat cheeses, yogurts and milks. Sheep milk is next best and still better than cow’s milk.

• The right oils that juice up and plump the skin (we all dry up as we get older) and they promote health and decrease inflammation. The most anti-inflammatory oil that everyone should take is fish oil - Omega-3’s. Healthy oils for your skin and body also include olive oil (great also to put on your skin in small amounts for irritation and hydration), raw coconut oil, hemp, flax with lignans, walnut, green tea, borage, black currant.

5. Supplements and Nutrients. 
Even organic, fresh and healthy food must be supported in today’s world with vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, nutrients and targeted oils that continually replenish, strengthen, energize and detoxify the entire body, promote physical and psychological well-being and effectively combat the epidemic of acne, melasma, rosacea and skin cancers. The soil is depleted and over-farmed so supplementation is essential. Examples of these essential nutrients:

• Green powder/pills - green, green and more green, the more green the better! 
• B vitamins
• Detoxified iodine
• Multi-minerals
• Probiotics
• Digestive enzymes

6. Ingredients. 
Checking out ingredients in everything we put in and on our bodies helps to protect and enrich our diet. The hidden sugars, MSG, simple salt, the ingredients we consume in foods and their lack after shipping and cooking- of vitamins, minerals and antioxidants, even if entitled organic, greatly contribute to our inflammation. The closer to nature foods you eat, the more alkaline, healthy and rejuvenated your skin and body will become and the aging clock slows as much as possible. You CAN look 10-20 years younger than your peers. We must address the skin and body internally and externally to achieve health and turn back the clock. 

Skin Fitness Plus
7. Have your Hormone Levels Checked. 
Aging, disease, depression, sleep disorders, “brain fog”, emotional lability, lack of energy and vitality, anxiety, mid-adominal weight and struggles, nail ridging and fungus, athletes foot, jock itch, tiny postular, itchy, skin rashes, brown spots, skin tags, thickened skin growths, yeast infections, dry furrowed heels, pain and unhappiness in men and women are significantly advanced by declining hormone levels which also advances skin, collagen, tissue and hair thinning and laxity, loss of integrity and strength, weakens the immune system, negatively impacts the risks of prostate disease, and all cancers, can cause emotional and psychological changes, low energy levels and brain functioning, organ and erectile dysfunction, weight gain and let’s not forget…the law of gravity everywhere in and on the body. Acneic skin demonstrates increased hormone sensitivity at the level of the skin and must be treated and balanced to cure the problem.Bio-identical hormones in cream form vs. those in a chemical form which are foreign to the human body, properly dosed, administered, monitored and individually tailored contribute to turning back the physiological clock in a healthy manner, promoting well-being, preventing diseases, strengthening the immune system, energy, sleep, skin and brain fitness. Like nutritionals and supplements, they must be balanced and titrated both for the skin and internally. Men have the same hormones as women in different amounts. Bio-identical hormones that must be addressed include bio-identical progesterone, testosterone, DHEA, thyroid, pregnenolone, growth hormone, melatonin and more...

8. Exercise – 
Workout safely and healthfully. Exercise is anti-aging. Sweating is detoxifying, increases blood flow, oxygenation and is anti-fungal, bringing in the nutrients to the cells and tissues and increasing lymphatic flow, which takes out the toxins. Exercise helps balance hormones and increases growth hormone output, which is anti-aging, enhances good sleep, lubricates your joints and spine if done correctly, produces energy and brainpower. By increased circulation and delivery of nutrients to skin cells, you are expelling potentially damaging toxins. If you are not exercising, then you are not detoxifying nor stemming aging. Exercise is walking the stairs instead of the elevator, carrying your own groceries, taking a walk on your street or up a hill, parking the car NOT closest to the door so you have to walk a bit, bicycling, cleaning the house, doing yard work, etc. Working out with some weights doesn’t mean you always have to go to the gym, everyday chores can maintain and promote muscle mass. Your skin is attached to your muscles so lifting and toning your muscles can help to tighten skin. Building muscle also increases your metabolic rate so you burn more calories all the time and lose weight more easily. Remember - muscle weighs more than fat so you can be losing inches and the scale reports your weight is the same. Yoga is great exercise and as with all exercise, be careful and work up slowly, stretch gradually and if your body is telling you it hurts then you need to work up more slowly and often you need professional advice at first for safety. 

9. Routinely maintain skin health! 
Just as you consistently repair and upkeep your house and car, maintenance is needed for your skin and body. Everything that results in skin health and beauty must be addressed – foods, water, exercise, vitamins and supplements, bio-identical hormones and internal organ health. Insure that your physiology is kept working at its best, disease-free and youngest to achieve the results you want and the health you need! To enhance, not harm your skin, use chemically correct, therapeutic concentration products without toxic ingredients. Add scientifically correct procedures to cure damage and slow the aging process. Skin, oral, hair and nail products must be free of harmful chemicals, artificial colors, dyes, and fragrances that cause inflammation…the primary cause of disease, aging and skin pathology. Skin Regimen Must Be Individually Formulated For Women - easily and quickly doable - specifically designed for you and your unique anatomy to maximize, repair, rejuvenate, prevent and re-invigorate. 

Skin Fitness Plus . . . young at any age
www.skinfitnessplus.com

Ten Psychological Tips that Will Change How You Look and Feel About Beauty

Guest blog by Vivian Diller Ph.D. with Jill Muir-Sukenick Ph.D., edited by Michele Willens
Author of Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change 

Face it: there is no magic solution to aging with grace and dignity. Having just written a book offering guidance to millions of women who feel trapped by conflicting feelings, we think we are on to something. We have found satisfying, long term solutions that help us deal with a culture that virtually programs women to have a crisis over their aging appearance. We were once professional models, so we were made acutely aware how quickly a premium on physical beauty can fade with age. It took hard work and time, but we learned the secret of how to enjoy our changing appearance. Now we are therapists treating hundreds of women who may be fulfilled and evolved in many ways, but are still having difficulty coming to terms with the lines of time. Here are some great psychological tips we tell women to "think" about that help them change the way they "feel" and "look." They worked for us. They can work for you!

1) Beauty is not just a physical experience, but a psychological one as well. We all tend to think of beauty as a skin-deep issue, all about how we physically look. But research tells us that perception of what is deemed attractive and unattractive is much more complicated. Why do you think some beautiful women say, "I've never thought I was pretty"? Yes, even beauties like Uma Thurman and Michelle Pfeiffer have drawn attention to what they consider flaws. Similarly, there are women who may not be your typical image of beauty, yet when you ask them they say they are quite confident in their looks. Serena Williams never tries to cover up her unconventionally muscular physique: in fact, she flaunts it and somehow it makes her more appealing. What makes people feel attractive goes well beyond our physical self. It runs deep, much deeper than the eye can see.

2) Although we can't stop the physical changes of aging, we can change our experience of aging. No one, not any doctor, dermatologist or surgeon can stop physical changes of aging. There may be ways to look better, take care of your skin and bodies that put things temporarily on hold, at least on the surface. We're all for that! We're also for ways we can experience -- and even enjoy -- our changing looks. If we take care of ourselves, it makes us feel better and we smile more. When we smile, we look more attractive. The sooner we go through an interior process, (we offer six steps in our book) the better you will feel inside and out.

3) While aging is inevitable and irreversible, self-image is not. Self-image can be fluid and timeless. Self-image is not an actual still picture of oneself. It is an internal experience, how we see ourselves from within, over time throughout our lives. It's flexible and malleable. And if we understand that self image is changeable, then that is what we try to help women conquer. Not age itself. That's a battle we can't win.  

4) Beauty is in the "I" of the beholder. If we become our own internal "eye," we can take control over how we see ourselves, rather than give it over to other people to determine if we're attractive or not. Our six steps serve to change the internal lens through which we see, not only ourselves, but others as well. The result? Women will be less self critical and less critical of each other.

5) Chronological age does not have to define you. You can define yourself at your chronological age. A particular age has little to do with how old you feel. You can define how you want to be 40, 50 and onward. We also don't have to let magazine images define what is beautiful. Some women in their 20's feel old. Some women in their 60's feel young.

6) Put your beauty in your identity, not your identity in your beauty. Your identity is made up of many aspects of yourself. How you look is just one of them. As you get older, more aspects of yourself can make up your identity; for example, your experiences in life, your accomplishments and your relationships. If you hold onto youthful beauty as a narrow definition of yourself, you're especially unlikely to enjoy your looks as you age. You leave out so many other ways to feel good about yourself.

7) Take an honest look at who you are, not what you look like. Mirrors tell only a little of what we really look like. Gaze again and go beyond, past your reflection and see who you are as a person. Think of what you see as only the image of yourself, that informs the world of your physical self. But who you are is more than what they see.

8) Rob beauty of its power over you. Take back that power and you will feel more beautiful. Our culture has given beauty power over women. We are told who and what is beautiful. We know that youth is beautiful. Most people see babies as beautiful. But grandmothers can be beautiful as well. Some of the most beautiful women in the world are those who smile, engage and appear happy at any age. If you take back the power of what makes you feel attractive, you will become more attractive to yourself and others.

9) Become less afraid of aging and you will look more beautiful. When you see a face that is scared, you would hardly call it beautiful. There is nothing pretty about fear. Women need to accept that aging happens and that becoming more courageous about all aspects of our lives will enhance them . . . and us.

10) Beauty matters to all women, but to those who age beautifully, it matters neither too much nor too little. We all know that a core aspect of our identities is our appearance. No doubt our looks matter. But women who allow beauty to matter, but keep it in balance with all other aspects of their lives, can enjoy their looks at any age.

Bottom line: Dealing with your looks as they inevitably change is a psychological process as well as a physical challenge. Master the first and the second will come with much more joy. When it comes to your face, your body and your aging process, be smart, be thoughtful and you'll be more beautiful.

THAI-STYLE STIR-GRILLED CATFISH IN LEMONGRASS MARINADE

Guest recipe by Judith Fertig and Karen Adler
Authors of Fish & Shellfish, Grilled & Smoked: 300 Foolproof Recipes for Everything from Amberjack to Whitefish, Plus Really Good Rubs, Marvelous Marinades, Sassy Sauces, and Sumptuous Sides
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

For this recipe, choose a firm-fleshed fish such as U.S. farm-raised catfish. 
Serve this with Texas pecan or the more fragrant jasmine rice.

Serves 4
1 pound U.S. farm-raised catfish fillets, cut into 1-inch pieces
1/2 cup green onions, trimmed and cut into 1-inch lengths on the bias
1 cup chopped Napa cabbage
Toasted sesame seeds to garnish
For the Lemongrass Marinade:
1 tablespoon thinly sliced fresh lemongrass (available at Asian markets)
1 garlic clove, minced
1 tablespoon freshly grated ginger
1 teaspoon nam pla or bottled fish sauce, (available in the Asian section of grocery stores)
1 teaspoon rice wine vinegar
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1 tablespoon peanut or other vegetable oil
1/2 cup chicken or vegetable broth
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1 teaspoon toasted sesame oil
Salt and freshly ground white pepper

1. Place the fish, onions, and cabbage in a large seal able plastic bag. In a medium bowl, mix the Lemongrass Marinade ingredients together and pour over the fish mixture in the plastic bag. Seal, then toss to coat the fish and vegetables with the marinade. Let marinate in the refrigerator for 30 minutes.
2. Prepare a medium-hot fire in a charcoal, gas, or wood pellet grill. Spray a grill wok with cooking spray and place over the sink or outside on the grass. Pour the marinated fish and vegetables into the wok, allowing the excess marinade to drain away. Place the wok on the grill. Using wooden paddles or grill spatulas, turn and toss the fish and vegetables until the
fish is opaque and the vegetables have lightly browned, about 15 minutes. Serve over rice, garnished with toasted sesame seeds.

10 TIPS AND TECHNIQUES FOR GREAT GRILLED FISH AND SHELLFISH, EVERY TIME

Guest recipe by Judith Fertig an Karen Adler
Authors of Fish & Shellfish, Grilled & Smoked: 300 Foolproof Recipes for Everything from Amberjack to Whitefish, Plus Really Good Rubs, Marvelous Marinades, Sassy Sauces, and Sumptuous Sides
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

1. Select only the freshest fish and shellfish. Fresh fish has a glistening, dewy look, a sweet or briny smell of the sea, and a somewhat firm texture. Shellfish has a sweet or briny smell of the sea, too. Ask to smell the fish or shellfish before you buy. Even the slightest odor of ammonia means the fish is not the freshest. You can also judge freshness by texture-if you
press the center part of a fillet or steak with your finger and the impression stays, the fish is not fresh. If you're buying a whole fish, look at the eyes-if clear and bright, the fish is fresh; if opaque or cloudy, the fish is not fresh. If you buy flash-frozen fish or shellfish, make sure it
still frozen when you buy it. You'll have the best luck if you buy your fish from a reputable and knowledgeable fishmonger-he or she can help you select the best options.

2. Handle fish and shellfish carefully. Always keep fish and shellfish chilled before grilling. Rinse thoroughly under cold running water, then pat dry. Discard any oysters, clams, or mussels with cracked or open shells.

3. Marinate fish and shellfish for only 30 to 60 minutes in the refrigerator before grilling. Marinating longer could mean an overpowering flavor of the marinade instead of the delicate flavor of fish. The vinegar or citrus juice in the marinade could also "cook" the fish and you'll end up with ceviche. However, there are some types of firmer-textured or oily, full-flavored fish
and shellfish-such as bluefish, mackerel, marlin, monkfish, octopus, shark, tuna, or squid-that can take a longer marinade.

4. For grilling, it is preferable to leave the fish skin on. Always place a fillet flesh side down first, then turn halfway through grilling onto the skin side. This technique helps the fish fillet hold together better during grilling.

5. Grill just about any fish or shellfish you like. Very thin and delicate fish such as Dover sole or lake perch are better sauteed or broiled. Catfish fillets are great on the grill because they hold together well and taste great.

6. Grill over a hot fire. Hold your hand 5 inches above the heat source. If you can only leave your hand there for 2 seconds, your fire is hot.

7. The general rule for grilling fish is 10 minutes per inch of thickness. For a fillet or steak that is 1 inch in the thickest part, you grill flesh side down for 5 minutes, then turn and finish grilling for 5 minutes on the skin side. For shellfish, grill for about 2 to 3 minutes on each side or until the shellfish becomes more opaque and firm in texture.

8. Test for doneness by making sure the fish and shellfish are opaque and somewhat firm. Most fish are done when steaks or fillets begin to flake-not a dry flake, but more a moist separation and you see a clear liquid-when tested with a fork in the thickest part. For firmer-fleshed varieties such as farm-raised catfish, monkfish, sturgeon, walleye pike, or eel, the fish flesh should be all one color, when tested in the thickest part, and the texture
firm. If you prefer your salmon or tuna on the medium-rare side, look for opaque pink or grayish brown on the outside, glistening reddish pink or dark purple-red on the inside, just as you would judge the doneness a beef steak. Shellfish are done when they turn more opaque and firm up in texture. Underdone fish or shellfish can always be put back on the grill or zapped in the microwave for a few seconds. Overcooked fish or shellfish can't be rescued.

9. Grill gadgets that rule: two long-handled wide metal spatulas for fish steaks or fillets and long-handled tongs for shellfish. For delicate fish like flounder or skate wings and very small shellfish like clams or baby squid, use a perforated grill rack, disposable aluminum pans, Nordic ware fish boat, or aluminum foil as a base so that the fish won't fall through the
grill grates. Although your fish or shellfish won't have grill marks, it will still have the flavor of the grill-and be a lot easier to remove. Perforated grill woks allow you to stir-grill marinated fish and vegetables together. 

10. Because you never know what fish or shellfish will be the freshest when you shop, be ready to substitute. You'll want to match the same firm, moderate, or delicate texture and mild, moderate, or full flavor of the fish or shellfish you originally planned on. For example, if cod is unavailable or not very fresh, substitute U.S. farm-raised hake, hoki, whiting, or
turbot-similar matches in delicate texture and mild flavor. In place of moderate-textured and mild-flavored red snapper, try catfish, grouper, haddock, orange roughy, walleye, or whitefish. In place of firm-textured, mild-flavored shrimp, substitute lobster, prawns, soft shell crab, or even halibut or monk fish.

Sign Language

Guest blog by Jennifer Rosen

At the Airport Grill, where my dad used to take us for a hamburger in the 60's, the bathroom choice was "Pilots" or "Stewardesses." A slam-dunk lawsuit today, still, you knew where you stood (or sat, if you were a stewardess.) It certainly beats having to decide if you're a Buoy or a Gull, a Turtle or a Tortoise, or which of the odd silhouettes most resembles you and your clothing. Easier, too, than my neighborhood hangout, Mels, where the triple choice of Men, Women and Ladies requires more reflection than I'm usually in the mood for.

A too-cute wine list scratches the same blackboard. I applaud restaurants for the effort, but headings like "Grills, Thrills and Wild Things," "Cutting Edge," and "Silver Linings," raise more questions than they answer. 

Attempting to describe wine makes sense if you share a common language. Alas, many terms mean one thing on wine lists, another to professional tasters and a third to the average diner. Let's decode some common ones.

Dry: Refers to sugar, or lack of it. Does not mean mouth-puckering, rough, tooth-coating or bitter. Those are the work of tannins and acids. Dry wine can be smooth as silk. High-alcohol wine, like Viognier or Zinfandel, sometimes seems sweet, even with little or no sugar. Taste a little rubbing alcohol and you'll see.

Rich: If they made Shiraz-flavored Koolaid and you used seven packets for one pitcher, you'd have rich. Also known as concentrated or extracted, it means more color and flavor.

Fruity: Does not mean sweet. Arguably, all wine should be fruity - it's made from fruit, for heaven's sake! If you smell peach, pineapple, blackberry, and, yes, even grape, the wine is fruity. (If you pick up gooseberry, you're faking it. Gooseberries are a hoax perpetuated by wine critics, and do not, in fact, exist. Quince and Bramble, two other common wine descriptors, do exist, but no one really knows what are.) On a wine list, fruity usually means simple: you taste the fruit and nothing but the fruit.

Floral: smells like perfume, flowers, or the soap in the guest bathroom that everyone's afraid to unwrap. 

Spicy: Exotic. Can refer to anything in the spice rack. Gewurztraminer is always described as spicy because, a) that's what Gewurtz means and b) there aren't any other things that smell like it. Spicy in a Syrah means cinnamon and black-pepper-up-your-nose.  

Body: A tactile thing: the glop factor. Light-bodied is skim milk or water. Full-bodied is heavy cream, honey or 10-W-40.

Big! Huge! Blockbuster! A Monster!: Three possible meanings. With California Zinfandel, it refers to how your head will feel the next morning; that is, the wine packs a punch. In the case of Cabernet or Barollo, it means tannins like a three-day-old beard. Either the wine is too young, or you're meant to tough it out, saying things like, "Now THERE'S a wine!" Applied to other reds, it means super-rich and full-bodied. Beware; when it comes to food, blockbuster wines are about as friendly as a Sumo wrestler with diaper rash. 

Soft: This term sells oceans of Merlot every year. It means not enough acid or tannin to last, refresh or excite. Lemonade without the lemons. No complexity, nothing that would tax your brain. It's a plot, can't you see?? They think you're too low brow to appreciate anything better than pablum. They want to turn you into pod people! Forget soft wine! Get out of that ghetto, man! Make like an infinitive and split! 

If you follow this guide and still aren't crazy about the wine they bring, give it a chance with your meal. Under whelming sipping wine can make beautiful music with food. But go easy on it, or you could find yourself in front of two doors in a hallway, wondering if you're a Porpoise or a Dolphin. 

Green Fruits in Jasmine Tea Syrup

Guest recipe by Joanna Pruess
Author of Tea Cuisine: A New Approach to Flavoring Contemporary and Traditional Dishes
Watch her interview on The Woman's Connection YouTube Vlog

Serves 6

Jasmine tea and sweetened lime juice transform a simple trio of green fruits into an ambrosial offering. Its memory will linger on your taste buds. Savor the fruit alone or with a scoop of green tea ice cream.

2 tsp jasmine tea leaves
1⁄2 c sugar
Grated zest of 1 lime
Juice of 1 lime
3 kiwi, peeled and sliced
1 ripe honeydew melon, about 5 lbs, flesh scooped into little balls or diced
8 oz seedless green grapes, stemmed, washed, and cut in half
Sprigs of fresh mint, for garnish

1. Bring 1/3 cup water just to a boil in a small saucepan. Add the jasmine tea, remove the pan from the heat, and steep for 4 to 5 minutes. Strain into a clean pan, pressing to extract as much liquid as possible, and discard the tea leaves.
2. Add the sugar and lime zest to the pan. Over medium heat, stir until the sugar dissolves, then bring the liquid to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer the syrup for 1 to 2 minutes. Remove the pan from the heat and stir in the lime juice.
3. Place the kiwi, melon, and grapes in a serving bowl and pour on the syrup. Cover and marinate in the refrigerator for 4 to 6 hours. Remove from the refrigerator at least 20 minutes before serving, toss gently, and garnish with mint.

Variations
Yellow Fruit Salad: Combine 4 apricots, 4 nectarines, 1 mango, 1 papaya, and 1 small pineapple all cut into cubes. Prepare a syrup flavored with Earl Grey tea and lemon juice instead of jasmine tea and lime. Proceed as for a green fruit salad.

Ice, Ice Baby

Guest post by Jennifer Rosen

To Americans, Canada is a parallel, frozen universe peopled with hockey players, polar bears and cheap prescription drugs. Wine-wise, it's not on the radar. Well, roll over Mondavi, and give Nanook a chance. Canada happens to be the Mecca for icewine.

Icewine, in case you haven't met it, ranks among the world's classiest dessert wines, more Chateauneuf de Popsicle than EskiMerlot pie. To learn what sets this sticky apart, let's pay a visit during harvest. Ah, harvest time! Indian summer! Sweat on the brow and dirt between the toes! Singing workers, laden with bushel baskets of bursting berries…oops, wrong harvest.

It's February on the Niagara peninsula; the thermometer's barely cresting zero. In the proto-dawn of 4:00am, shivering figures in fleece and down maneuver mittened fingers through rattling, lifeless vines. Frozen berries are whisked off as fast as they're picked, to be pressed before the sun comes up. 

Look closely: these are not your normal migrant workers. I see doctors, lawyers…media types! Someone with a degree from the Tom Sawyer School of Economics has people paying to come up here and freeze their assets off. Such is the prestige of this rare and expensive wine. What's going on?

There are several ways to turbo-charge a dessert wine. All involve dehydrating the grapes. You can dry them on mats in the sun, or let them shrivel on the vine. Very good little winemakers may get a visit from Botrytis Cinerea, the "noble rot" that turns healthy grapes into hairy, scary, little sugar bombs. Then there's icewine.

Repeated freezing and thawing changes the chemical composition of grapes. It concentrates sugars, acids and extracts and separates them from water, which freezes at a higher temperature. If the grapes are frozen solid enough, pressing will eject the water in crystalized shards, leaving behind the intense, aromatic goo from which ethereal wines are made. 

This fortuitous discovery was made in Germany, in 1794, when Hans Schnockleputter went on a Schnapps bender and forgot to harvest his grapes until January, by which time they had frozen solid. When worse comes to Gewurtz, bad wine is better than no wine, so he went ahead and vinified, stumbling, thus, upon the magic of eiswein.

The capricious German weather permits eiswein only a few times a decade. But in the shadow of the Niagara Escarpment (a mystifying geologic word that sounds like it pushed back its chair in a hurry and left), the harmonic convergence of long, temperate growing season, followed by a predictable deep-freeze, makes icewine a reliable crop.

Which is not to say it's easy. Leaving grapes on the vine long into January is a risky and labor-intensive business. Rain and wind storms, bad mold and birds all vie to make off with the goods. Yields are extremely low; only 5% to 10% of a normal harvest. 

Hence, the price. But at least you know what you're getting. To distinguish themselves from unscrupulous Yankees who put grapes in the freezer and pass the results off as icewine, Canada formed the Vintners Quality Association (VQA), which tightly controls how, when, and at what temperature you can harvest. Scofflaws can't use the VQA appellation and will be put in the penalty box for icing. Right now you're probably thinking, "Hello! Icing results in a stoppage of play with the puck being dropped in the face-off circle near the goalie in the offending team's zone!" But that would be hockey and this is wine.

And extraordinary wine, indeed. What sets it apart from the cloying mass of syrup that defines some belly-button wines is its zingingly high, refreshing acidity. Along with exotic perfumes like papaya, passion fruit and ginger, you get this sweet-tart wake-up-call of fresh lemon and lime. And a texture like the heavy, hypnotic, flow inside a lava lamp.

Which just goes to show that where there's a will there's a wine, and we ought to look at a map more often.

Have Some, M'Dear

Guest post by Jennifer Rosen

You can leave a bottle of Madeira on a hot car seat for weeks without ruining it, and for that you can thank King George the Third, the German navy, and Zarco the One-Eyed.

1419: the dawn of the Age of Exploration. Portuguese sea captain João Gonçalves Zarco, sailing around the north coast of Africa, spots what he describes as "vapors rising from the mouth of hell." Screwing up all his courage, he penetrates hell to discover a small, fog-bound island, part of an archipelago lying 475 miles offshore of Casablanca. The fog is important, not only because it will later feature in the opening shot of the remake of King Kong, but also because it makes the island invisible. That, plus the fact that it's the largest deep-water harbor in the world, and sits squarely in the path of anyone sailing from Europe to the West Indies, makes it a valuable gateway for Portugal. 

Zarco names the island "Madeira," which means wood. Next, he wipes out every last tree by starting a fire that will burn for seven years. 

He has inadvertently provided a great service to the wine industry. The volcanic soil, once too acidic for grape growing, is made alkaline by the ashes of burnt forests. Grapes are planted.

Cut to Boston, 1650: Colonists are protesting the Navigation Acts, which decree that nothing enters or leaves the Colonies without passing through, and paying taxes to, England. 

Just then, Charles II of England makes one of the great political marriages of all time, when his Portuguese fiancée arrives with a dowry consisting of Bombay, Tangier, Morocco, the use of ports in Africa, Asia and America, and lots of money. She also introduces twin civilizing influences: tea and the fork. In return, Charles exempts Madeira from his protectionist policy.

Madeira, therefore, is the only wine shipped directly to America, and so acquires totemic status: a swig of Madeira becomes the American patriot's way of spitting in the British eye. Both the signing of the Declaration of Independence and George Washington's inauguration are toasted in Madeira wine. 

However, despite the fact that in 1478, the Duke of Clarence, condemned to death in the Tower of London, chooses to accomplish this by drowning in a vat of Madeira, an anecdote that I have been trying to stuff into this story for hours, the fact of the matter is that the wine is thin, acidic, and basically tastes terrible. 

This changes in 1600, when a cargo ship goes off course and wanders around the tropics for a year because none of the crew can bring himself to ask for directions. To everyone's surprise, this vacation in the sun vastly improves the wine on board. 

For the next 300 years, Madeira is routinely sailed around the world to mellow, sometimes for 5 years or more. The inconvenience of this approach is brought home during World War I, when German U-boats find these slow wine tankers gratifying target practice. Especially when they manage to salvage the cargo before it sinks. In a quantum leap of technology - no doubt strongly resisted by Portuguese dockworkers unions - the wine industry trades baking aboard for baking ashore.

Today, the wine cooks for three to six months in giant tanks with heat-sensitive locks that alert the government if the temperature gets too high, and then the government comes and confiscates the wine. If that doesn't happen, the wine next ages in barrels for anywhere from three to hundreds of years before bottling. It's so indestructible that someone who just tasted the 1795 vintage reports that it "easily has 50 years of life ahead of it." Which is a lot more than the Duke of Clarence had, but when it comes to that, personally, I think I'd rather jump into a vat of Lubriderm and soften to death.

A Bargain, Really!